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February 17, 2015

Comments

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Edna

Right on the money! For me, struggling with infertility, I often feel like i live my life in the shadow of pregnant women. They complain about their pregnancy symptoms, endlessly, and people listen with never-ending patience. And unless I want to come off as a heartless monster, I have to join in the choir of compassionate encouragement for the pregnant gals. Meanwhile, no one cares much about my pain. This gets especially hurtful with some of the pregnant women who THINK they went through infertility because it took them 6 months to get pregnant or they had a late period or two. I feel like screaming. I feel like I´m slowly suffocating under the weight of this IF. But I just smile and say they look lovely with that belly.

Kitten

I often felt the same way about being a trigger for other people with infertility. On the other hand, I loved how nice people were and how confident I felt about my body (I've never liked how I look, except when pregnant).

Amanda

Your post was better than the greasy fries you wanted to send my (our) way. Thank you!

Don't Count Your Eggs

I really appreciate the comments and the respect we all have for each other. I think we can all agree about that feeling of invisibility that comes from living on IF Island. It's a terrible feeling and it often happens for years. We all need to feel validated and supported and seen. I think once a person is P or a parent, others are more interested. People do feel more comfortable connecting over "happy" things. More interested in sharing and chatting and giving advice. Infertility scares people so outsiders don't ask. But they should. Infertility survivors should be the ones who are congratulated! I feel like I should have won a prize that I was still standing after the round of IVF with my sister's eggs didn't work! I know how isolating and hard it all is and send so much love to everyone out there.

JCS

This post and the comments are right on point for me and I am so grateful for all that has been said. I am currently struggling with infertility and pregnant women seem to be EVERYWHERE- in my book club, at work, on the street, and all over Facebook (ug!). Many of my friends who were supportive in the beginning have started their families and moved on. They don't reach out much and that can be isolating and reinforce the feeling of being left out. I have been working for two years to start my family and if I ever get there, that will be a real accomplishment! Anyway, it's good to hear that so many of you that you have pushed beyond infertility. It gives me hope :)

Cheryl

Leanna thank you so much for your response. I'm glad you gave me the opportunity to better understand your comment. I couldn't agree more! Best wishes to you.

Leanna

I certainly did not mean to be patronizing and I think your reaction to my comment shows how none of us can ever know what people go through. I didn't even mean to say that having a child has made my life or the world around me more meaningful. I was trying to say that people at work seem to share more about themselves and their families than they did before and are more interested in my life. I too had to suffer through miscarriage after miscarriage in silence around these people and in this community. I was invisible. And when I finally was pregnant, I was scared to death every day and I was invisible. It's true that people seem to feel more comfortable connecting with you over happier things. I have actually found this somewhat insulting and disheartening to see such a drastic change in these things in my world just because I have a baby. And when I'm in the grocery store smiling and laughing with my daughter, every single time I wonder if I had caused some other woman that pain that I am all too familiar with from when I used to see women in the store doing the same thing. So I certainly didn't mean to condescend to anyone because I was invisible and in pain before having a baby and now I feel guilty for being blessed with one. The fact that the world around us can't just treat us the same no matter what is sad.

Cheryl

Also, I would like to respond to one of the comments posted below. Stating that since having a baby your "relationships & conversations are .... deeper and on a whole different level" is patronizing. While I'm glad a child has brought more meaning into YOUR life, it is a slippery slope to assume having a child makes ones life more meaningful. Women who don't have children are surrounded by this type of condescending attitude all the time. Sadly, I didn't expect to encounter it on an infertility blog.

Cheryl

Ugh, this post touches upon one of the things that angers me the most. I'm so sick of people "congratulating" women on their pregnancies. Unless you've battled infertility in some way or another (meaning repeat miscarriages as well) getting pregnant is not an accomplishment. Running a marathon is an accomplishment. Graduating college with honors is an accomplishment. Knocking boots with your partner without protection does not an accomplishment make. The world acts like pregnancy and birth is a special feat which demands reverence. It's not. Crack whores have babies, terminally ill have babies, mentally disabled have babies, psychopaths & murderers have babies.

I understand how being pregnant would be special for the woman herself & her family but pregnancy in general is not special. Can we all stop acting like pregnant women are Mother Earth?!?!

Don't Count Your Eggs

Sounds like others have experiences this-- or at least one side. The invisibility vs. the kindness. The invisibility is really hard--you guys hit the nail on the head--invisible sadness. And even when the sadness is visible (i.e. me walking down the hallways at work with my face puffy from crying) people are often afraid to ask-- sending lots of love to everyone out there who feels this invisible sadness.

KFH

Exactly what I needed to hear tonight! Thanks for telling it like it is and encouraging others! Continuing to wish you the best of luck!

jackie

Totally agree with this. When I was at the lowest point in my life going through Asherman's Syndrome, the people closest to me seemed afraid to ask and hardly ever mentioned it. When I was pregnant, it was, "how are you feeling?!" 24/7. People generally avoid asking about a negative or sad situation because it makes them uncomfortable.

Leanna

Wait until you are out in the world with Momo, then you'll realize how invisible you really have been. I was absolutely shocked at how many people came up to me, actually touched or kissed the baby, and told me their story or all about their grandchild or other child in their lives. Even at work, my whole conversations and relationships I have now with people I have worked with for almost 10 years are deeper and on a whole different level. Welcome to a whole other club. And even though you know what it's like to be on the outside, enjoy the good parts without guilt because you know you are changing the world for those who desperately are trying to make their families.

lisa

this was absolutely perfect and right on the money.

Kerry

I have been struck by this as well. I'm finally pregnant after so many years of miscarriages and infertility. People ask me how I'm feeling ALL THE TIME. It's so sweet, and I always answer, " I've never been better in my whole life." But like you, I wonder where that care and attention was when I most needed it most. I felt I was invisible during my IF years, but really, it was because my sadness felt invisible...sometimes I myself felt invisible. I went to work, put on makeup, worked out, and went about my life. But my heart was broken all the time, and it felt like no one saw that. Because IVF was so expensive, I didn't splurge on myself. There were days where I really should have just gotten a friggin pedicure. And because infertility is so isolating, I didn't often talk about my sadness. I didnt think anyone I was close to would "get it." Plus, I already felt being infertile was taking over my life and becomng my storyline, and I didn't want to reinforce that. Looking back, I should have been kinder to myself. I hope people going through it read your blog and take your advice. The world is so kind to regnant women, but for the women who dream of being pregnant, it's as if the world doesn't see them at all. Best of luck o you -- you are in the homestretch!

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