Infertility 101

Ok. Sooo...I'll just briefly mention the Super Bowl, and then we'll move on. WTF Seahawks!!! We actually got to watch it because our birth class instructor kindly changed the time of class, so there was no Super Bowl vs. birth class conflict after all. The conflict came in the last few seconds of the game when the head coach made a REALLY BAD choice and instead of...ugh. I can't even talk about it. Noah definitely can't talk about it. He's sad. We got home and he went into his man cave in silence and started editing footage from Act 1 of our documentary. We were hoping to get in bed early and watch highlights over and over again, but not last night. I'd like to say you win some you lose some but I think it's ok to just say last night's game ended in a crappy way and sometimes winning is everything. 

Now that that's done, let's move on. 

This weekend we did our hospital tour and attended birth class #1. Sh*t is getting real. It made me a bit emotional sitting in a room full of expecting parents, blending in with the crowed. I can't say I ever fully feel like I belong but I do. I'm just as round (Noah pointed out I was the second biggest in the room, his prize cow) and I need to know where to park on delivery day, so we belong. 

Then there was birth class. Another place where I can't believe I finally belong. When we went around and did our introductions, I felt the need to share that we had gone through years of infertility before getting to this point. I think it's important to normalize that and make people aware of that, even if it doesn't mean much to anyone else.

Though I've been reading different books about the birthing process, I still think you don't really know what's going to happen until it happens, but it's good to know the general process and stages and all the options you have. The teacher showed us enlarged pictures of a baby making his way into the world and while I could sense that many people in the room were fearful, asking questions about how soon one can get an epidural, I just felt anticipation excitement. I still can't believe that I have gotten the opportunity to grow our baby and will get the chance to blast her out of me in two months. I'm not scared. I'm just ready to get this show on the road already. 

But while sitting in the class, I started thinking about the idea of birth class. Giving birth is one of the most natural and common experiences in the world. Women all over the planet have been doing this since the beginning of time, yet there is SOOO much support--classes and groups and books etc. At the end of the day, there's a human inside you and it has to get out. There are two ways for that to happen and there are experienced professionals who will help you to do that. But there is no such  (or just much less) support or classes for people who are trying to figure out how to get a baby inside them. Half way through the class, when the teacher was holding up laminated photos of the cervix dilating, I started designing a curriculum for a one-day course on Infertility--Infertility 101. Because here's the thing-- infertility is way more confusing than birth. 

There aren't just two solutions to infertility like there are to birth--there are many. And often it's a step by step process that requires learning a new language, knowing what to ask and advocate for, making difficult decisions that have no guarantees, emotional turmoil, lots of money, and an understanding of the process of Assisted Reproductive Technologies. There are physical and hormonal changes that happen, there are relationship stressors, there are intense feelings, and a high need for coping tools. Birth to me--though maybe I'm wrong, seems fairly straightforward. I'll have to look for specific signs that this is all really happening and then I'll have a handful of choices to make until someone tells me to push. Maybe I'm a total jerk and it's all way more complicated, but the years leading up to now seem to me much more confusing. And at the end of the day, the birthing process takes a few days, max, while infertility can take years. YEARS!

So perhaps I'll  have to create a curriculum one of these days to support those stranded on IF Island. Because the discrepancy in support for P people and those going through IF just seems unfair. 

Hope anyone on IF Island finds some good support out there, best they can. 

Oh, and last Friday Lisa from Amateur Nester posted an interview with me on her blog, check it out!

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi KB!!! OMG. THe Seahawks. I can't even...Noah is just recovering. Thanks for the support and yea, the powerlessness is terrible. AS id the fact that many of us can't get answers, and when we do, rarely are there great solutions. I hope all is going well for you. Becky-- 17 weeks and you don't already have a wipe warmer??? I mean....I totally agree with you on all this. Thinking about wipe warmers is WAAAYYY better than thinking about what time we have to give ourselves the next shot of menopur, but it's still kind of insanity. Babies are born in bushes with nothing a boobie to cling onto and they're fine. Good luck with the rest of your P! Very exciting.

[KB]

I'm so happy for you guys that you are at this point in the process! I wonder if birth classes are to birth what Dr. Google is to infertility. I know when I google questions out into the ether, I will get some answers. I also know that those answers most likely have no impact on how my individual "how I get pregnant" story will go, but it makes me feel better to do it. Just today, in acupuncture, I asked, "why can't ANYONE have ANY answers for us?" It's the most powerless feeling, as I know you know. If there were the infertility equivalent of a birthing class, you better believe I'd sign up! How can we get those going?!

What is so cool for those of us following everything you've been through is to see your ability to fully be in the moment, and really embracing the "who knows" part (especially with the birthing stuff) better than many who haven't been through infertility can! I'm SO SO happy for you, and I appreciate this perspective on those classes as most of my friends have held so tight to them out of fear. AND OMG THE SEAHAWKS. I was there at the game. I wanted to melt into the stadium. Then I had to interview fans on the way out, and the Pats fans were so so mean about it. Grrr. Tell Noah we understand.

[Becky]

I totally relate to this post. We are 17 weeks along & people keep asking 'what about a baby shower? Where will the baby sleep? How long will your husband be home? Do you have a birth plan?' And although that all feels a bit overwhelming I just feel like I can't sweat the small stuff at this point. We got this far & it is bound to work itself all out. And people in far worse situations than ours have babies & families & survive. I was talking to my therapist telling her my anti-baby shower feelings & mentioned that I just really didn't want to be a person that got 'everything possible' for a baby!! Like you...we won't have a traditional nursery, & the ting that pushed me over the edge was a friend that INSISTED I could not live w/out a wipe warmer. Now, I'm not judging anyone, but I'm pretty sure I'll survive w/out a wipe warmer, along w/a lot of other baby stuff out there!! But we'll see. Thanks for making me feel normal, b/c sometimes I still feel like my feelings on this journey are not in that category!!

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for this sweet comment Kristie, and I'm so sorry your egg retrieval didn't turn out as hoped. I get that feeling. It made me literally sick to my stomach when our embryos didn't divide and all the Doc could really say was "I'm sorry." There's so much build up and preparation and money and time that goes into this, to come out empty handed is just devastating. But...you will be ok. The intensity of how all this feels now will not feel like this forever and you will find a way to your baby. I wish you the best of luck. I couldn't see past the heartbreak of it for a while--it takes time to heal, but you will and you'll figure out the next move and eventually you'll be looking back at it all as a really crappy time in your life that will be in the past. Lisa--thanks for the interview! IF 101 on every college campus! Freak all the kids out ;) Interesting information Mel--but more importantly, ugh, and FET bust? I'm so sorry. It sucks. It just sucks. All of this sucks and isn't fair. Hope you're doing ok. Terri--if every person who got P easily contributed a dime to an IF education/early intervention fund... I'm going to seriously think about this more and maybe try and create some kind of course/info sessions/support something or other.

[Kristie]

Your blog is Fertility 101 for me. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. When I'm having a difficult moment your blog posts ground me and help keep me calm. Without your wisdom I would not have coped with going through an egg retrieval and coming out with not a single embryo. Your post about expectations was a great one. :)

[Lisa @ AmateurNester]

Thanks for putting a link to my interview with you, Maya. I agree that there needs to be an Infertility 101 course. They should teach it to everyone in college or before you get a job!

[Mel]

Very thoughtful of you Maya. Thank for not forgetting your friends on IF island (yup still there. Second failed FET yesterday). I agree on the big discrepancy and I think it is probably driven by the rule of masses and proportions. After all, there have been billions of births and only millions of infertile couples .... I found this interesting piece of data on the web : "Birth rates were set at 80 per 1,000 per year through 1 A.D. and at 60 per 1,000 from 2 A.D. to 1750. Rates then declined to the low 30s by the modern period. This semi-scientific approach yields an estimate of about 108 billion births since the dawn of the human race."
Found @ www.prb.org/Publications/Articles/2002/HowManyPeopleHaveEverLivedonEarth.aspx

[Terri]

This is just an awesome post Maya! I love reading your blog and what you post and think about. I'm with you 110% of the way with these thoughts. And there's also the fact that those of us who have struggled with infertility have paid taxes to pay for the courses and support that pregnant and birthing women get. In many cases, we keep working and paying our own way while the support is rolled out for people for whom conception happens easily. WTF!?!?!?