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February 06, 2015

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Marina

This is a whole different issue with someone who has experienced the hell of infertility. Nothing g else comes close.

Elizabeth

I think your answer is perfect! It's not your JOB to educate, but I'm glad you did. And if others heard, they'll know too and may come to you if they ever have fertility issues. We've been really open the whole way (which is pretty necessary when you adopt), which I think has mostly been a good thing.

Also, I found your blog and LOVE it! We are considering embryo adoption for the future and I find it super helpful to read! :)

Don't Count Your Eggs

Thank you both for these thoughtful comments and sharing your stories and reminding me and everyone else that we never know what our children will be like or look like, genetic or not. That's part of the adventure. I can't wait to meet Momo start that adventure. Have a great weekend!

Catherine

Yeah, I used doner eggs, I didnt share this with almost anyone and was super careful to choose a doner who matched my genetics really well. I remember how excited I was when I found this "perfect" doner and everything matched up and we were able to use her. I felt like I won the lotto! Well, I am a blond and my husband has dark hair, but when our baby was born, she had this beautiful bright red hair! Everyone was pretty surprised! I was the most surprised and honestly, a little disappointed. (I cringe to type that, but it's the truth of how I felt). I was really hoping my baby would look just like my husband, but nope. She must look just like some distant red headed great grantparent or something on her doner's side? My husband doesnt have any red heads in his family so Needless to say, early on we got pretty constant comments and questions about our daughters bright red hair. I mean, it's pretty bright red! It's been kinda difficult because we were not at all open to sharing our story (we even considered not telling our daughter) though I laugh about that now, because she would just have to look in the mirror to know something was up! So we end up saying we don't know where the red hair comes from, which is a lie but also the truth because our doner did not have red hair! So it's good you are thinking about this, though you are like a million times more open and thoughtful than I was so I'm sure it will be a total non-issue for you. It's not like a big deal for me, now, three years later and of course She is my daughter 100% but it is something in the background reminding me of the doner, which im still not at the point where this is a good feeling because that reminds me of the years and years of infertility hell.

Silvia

Maya! Let me just say I love your honesty and insight. It's inspiring.

This is such an interesting and I think important topic to think about. I have two boys, ages 2 years and 6 months and they are genetically mine and my husband's kids (I actually never had any fetility issues and am one of thoese "fertile" people but found your site when I was trying to find info to support my friend who went through years of infertility). Anyway, I'm biracial (black & Hispanic) and husband is Caucasian. Well, I was not at all prepared for the amount of interest and comments I recieved regarding my children's appearances.

It's true, one of the first things you hear about your baby is how she/he looks or does not look like you or your partner or questions as to where she/he got so and so genetic trait. Let me tell you, it's kinda always there, especially early on, maybe because there really isn't much more aside from this and "she's so cute" to say about a little person who can't talk?

But I think it's def more prevalent when the baby doesn't look like he/she is "expected" to look. My first child looks a lot like me and I recieved A Lot of comments (I wasn't at all prepared for) about how he didn't look like my husband, my husband was asked why the baby didn't look like him, "where are your genes?" "He looks nothing like you" omg it was so freaking annoying and RUDE! It was actually pretty upsetting to me and my husband. My poor husband, had to deal with "well meaning" people saying "I don't see you in the baby at all." Now that our son is 2 we rarely get comments like this, most are just general "oh he is so cute" I think it's because he can talk and dance now so people actually talk to him and comment about how smart and funny he is. So when I was pregnant with baby #2 I was prepared for these comments and so was my husband but low and behold, I gave birth to a blond, blue eyed child who really looks nothing like me (and people have let me know this!) This time around though, my husband and I DO NOT CARE at all what people think about how our kids look. We love them more than anything and they are each perfect and look like themselves!! We actually think it's pretty damn cool and special and REALLY LIKE that our family is special and looks the way it does.

So, this is a long winded way to say, people with children genetically related to them, get these comments too, and it's probably pretty normal because our genetic children still are not our Clones and will look different from us, sometimes very different. I mean who knows, you and Noah could have had a genetic child who looked Asian and then a second genetic child who looked completely Caucasian. It really doesn't matter at all. Your child will look like herself and will be beautiful and wonderful. But it's good you are thinking about this, because you will get a lot of "genetic" comments early on, especially if she looks more Asian than a person expects you & Noah's child to look. It's awesome that you feel comfortable being so honest and spreading awareness about donor conception. It is something to be proud of, I think. And it shows your daughter, even now, that it is something to be proud of.

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