It's Hard to See the Light When You're Sitting in the Dark

The other day, a friend of mine who also went through years of infertility and now has three kids, rubbed my belly and said, "Don't you wish someone could have told you this day would eventually come?"

"I don't know if I would have believed them," I answered. 

I think I always knew in my heart that I would be a mother. Some how. Some way. But when the first IVF didn't work and then the IUIs proved to basically be a waste of time, and then IVF with my sister's donated eggs was a bust, everything kind of went dark. I knew I had to stay on this mission, and it really became a mission, but there were times when I just couldn't fathom anything working. 

The IF Island survivors we have interviewed for our documentary told me that the day would come. That we would be able to close one painful chapter of our lives and start a new adventure. Sometimes I believed it, sometimes I couldn't. Noah always asked why we would keep pushing forward, keep hoping, keep believing if we didn't actually think things could be different. I agreed with him but sometimes felt I was pushing forward because that's all I knew to do. Moving seemed better than being still. Five years ago, when we first set out to make a baby, I don't know how I would have reacted if someone told me I would eventually get P with a donated embryo. I guess that's what happens when you just keep moving forward.

Yesterday we decided it was time to pack a hospital bag. Even though I'm at 37 weeks, and outweigh my husband, I still don't always believe this is all really happening. So far the bag consists of a package of lollipops, five different kinds of chapstick, a pair of PJ's and a giant robe Noah got me that would be better suited for a middle weight boxing champion. 

I guess my point is sometimes there is a lot of darkness. Sometimes it's hard to believe things can be different, and sometimes you can't believe how different things actually are. And sometimes you just have to believe the light is there, even if you can't see it. 

Wishing everyone on IF Island love and light. We're officially knee deep into week two of our Indiegogo Fundraising Campaign, and while we got off to a good start we still have a long way to go. 

Comments

[Mrs.Boomer]

I really don't like when people try to give their "advice" on how to get pregnant. I know they're just trying to be helpful but they don't know my situation. I don't have my fallopian tubes anymore so just waiting isn't an option anymore.
I've been following your blog for a while now and it just emanates hope. I was in a very dark place for a long time and I found reading others stories of success made me feel better. We're just starting our tests next month! I felt so much better just setting the appointment.

I can't wait to see pictures of your little momo!

(sorry I wrote a novel)

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi everyone. I see here that there are a lot of people, for all corners of the world, who are feeling the darkness, and along with Jojo, I'm sending so much love to you all. I know it. That feeling that it's never going to end. It's so hard and I just hope you all are taking good care of yourself and finding ways to seek out a little light. Nothing stays the same forever. That was my mantra for years. I just kept telling myself things would change. Sometimes they did for the bad when I couldn't imagine things getting any worse, but then they changed for the better. Wish everyone so much luck and a beautiful weekend.

[Blake]

Thanks JCS! The reasons why I'm waiting until I have 8 (and maybe I worded that wrong in my first comment) is because I've paid for 8 to be tested. So I realize they could test 4, but I wanted to send at least 8 so my chances are the best, and I'm not wasting what I've already paid for. We're testing for HD, so the chances for each embryo is 50/50, and I want the best odds I can.

[JCS]

Blake- I had PGD done on only 2 embryos so I would think it could be done on 4. Anyway, it's something to at least ask about. My understanding is that they will only do up to 8 at a time without extra charge, although every lab is different. I would think 4 embryos would be more than enough for PGD. If that's what you want, insist on it.

[Jojo]

For you ladies who have commented below and are in the darkness just know you don't sit there alone. We all know the pain and are with you on this journey- even in the darkest times. Keep fighting. Xo

[Monika]

Thank you for every blog you have written. I am in darkness. Our first ivf was sucessful with only 3 embroys, but sadly it ended in miscarriage at 8 weeks. I was already singing to the baby every night and then it all ended. Since then I am not the same. I am trying so hard to stay positive but with loud clicking biological clock it is very hard, but I am not a quitter. Today I heard on the radio that some woman left 8 weeks old Baby outside in cold.. In those moments I think.. Why God? Thank you for the hope your blog gives me.
Monika from Canada

[Blake]

I'm not there yet. Yesterday I got another "It will all work out and you will have a little baby soon" text. I've always been a realist. And what's real right now is that I have to go through another round of egg retrieval because the first round last month only resulted in 4 good embryos, and we needed at least 8 to be sent to have PGD done. So I still have a quite a few hurdles before I'm even P let alone a Mama. On the bright side, I sold another house today, so I have the cash to continue this journey, and I'm not afraid to keep going.

[Kate]

Thank you, I am following you for a long time. You make me keep going, you helped me many times with finding sense in moving forward. Maybe I will find my happy ending someday... For now, still in the dark.
Kate from Poland

[Moira]

Thank you for this! I've gotten to the point where I cringe everytime someone tells me "oh you'll get pregnant eventually, I know it". Ummm, unless you're God you don't know it. I do believe I'll be a mother someday, but right now that whole pregnancy thing is practically foreign.