When Momo was born, I sent an informal birth announcement to the fertility clinic where we had the embryo transfer. I think I wrote "an addition to your success rate" in the subject line. That's what many of these places really care about, right? Whatever. Their success is my success. I'm fine with it. Along with Momo's stats and a pict, I asked if it was...appropriate for me to write a thank you letter to the couple who donated the embryo.
Wow. It's so weird to talk about Momo as an embryo now. She is such a human--though she sounds more like a bulldog and resembles a piglet when she eats.
Anyway. The donor coordinator never responded to the birth announcement, or my request to write a thank you. I was going to follow up today but then thought twice. Maybe it isn't appropriate? Is it selfish of me to want to express gratitude, while hoping that the couple will be willing to connect with Noah and I so Momo can eventually get to know her genetic sibling, a boy that's around 5 years old now? Is it an invasion of this couple's right to remain anonymous if I...break that boundary, even if it goes through the clinic? What can of worms could I potentially be opening?
Maybe I won't follow up just yet. Maybe I'll let it be for a sec. I wish things were more open, but this is the situation and I probably should respect this couple's desire for anonymity.
Momo was made from an anonymous egg donor from a frozen egg bank and the husband of the infertile couple who sought the help of the egg donor. The egg donor was shared, so there are perhaps more half siblings. The egg donor herself has at least three kids. I want to find everyone and be one big extended family but I know things don't work that way. Much of what happens with all of this is not up to me. I wonder what Momo will want for herself. Perhaps this part belongs to her.
For those of us using donated parts, these kinds of issues are going to come up. I'm learning how to navigate and how to better understand how I feel about all of it. When I look at Momo I see our baby. That's it. But I know there is more to the story, and I'm trying to figure out if I have any role in how the story unfolds or if it needs to unfold naturally. Over time. With Momo's desires taking the lead. With respect to the generous strangers who helped her be.
Hm.
Every situation is so different, and the more I feel curious, or the more I feel like I need to find Momo's genetic history, the more I realize this isn't really up to me. I will stand by my baby girl and help her do whatever she needs to do when the time comes. I'd like more information, but maybe she won't. The bottom line is she has two parents who love her to death and can't stop staring at her and counting her breaths. Maybe in the end that's all that really matters.
My husband and I are currently considering embryo adoption. We live in Spain and the law here is that it has to be anonymous. Like you, I wonder what the child would want and I think I'd want to support them in making contact if they wanted. With the law as it stands now though, I'm not convinced that would be possible. It's inspiring for me to read your story.
Posted by: Rachel | April 13, 2015 at 04:36 PM
They should have responded to your email. We are doing open donation. There was no question it was the right choice for everyone involved. As long as the story is conveyed without angst, in a matter of fact way, I think it will turn out alright. Our daughter never begs for a sibling or is upset about being an only child because we never made a big deal of it. We certainly never had her pray for God to give her a sibling! That would be putting our adult problems on a child. If we acted like being an only was a problem she would believe it is. Instead we act like this is the family God wants us to have and this is the way it's supposed to be.
Posted by: C | April 11, 2015 at 06:54 AM
I've only recently found your blog through your wonderful and upcoming documentary (it's been making the rounds on babycenter) and it is literally the first time in the past 3 years of our infertility isolation that I've felt like someone understood where I was coming from, even if it was someone I had never met.
We are about to embark on our own embryo donation saga (transferring around May 28!) and have spent a lot of time weighing the different options between 'embryo adoption' and 'embryo donation' and have been dealing with the same ethical dilemmas you discuss in this post. With the program we've chosen, we won't even have a photograph of our donors, just a set of statistics and a birth year.
Your posts have really given me hope, something that has been incredibly hard to find since November, when we suffered our fifth loss due to my chromosomally abnormal eggs (the reason we're doing embryo donation instead of IVF). Thank you for putting words to the feelings I cannot express and the fears I haven't been able to share.
Posted by: Tabatha | April 10, 2015 at 08:10 PM
Hi Lauren, You are so right. Healthy loved kids is all that really matters but this added...relationship or lack there of is something we will have to figure out I guess. How weird that the donor just kind of disappeared. I can imagine the disappointment. Elizabeth-- you're right about the 23andme stuff-- I just wonder how interested Momo will be. The clinic's program is anonymous. The egg donor was anonymous and the embryo donation program is small and also anonymous.
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | April 10, 2015 at 09:56 AM
even if the couple wants to stay anonymous it may not happen. With the rise of genetic analysis services like 23andme, Momo can find her genetic relatives herself, with or without the biological parents' consent.
Just curious- does the clinic support open embryo adoption/donation or is it clinic policy that they be closed?
Posted by: Elizabeth | April 08, 2015 at 12:13 PM
I wrestle with his too and our EDC was extremely guarded about our donor. I even wonder if she told our donor not to keep in contact (we exchanged emails, had a lovely long one from her, but then never heard from her again--not a thank you for the gift we left her, not a congrats on BFP, not even congrats on birth). It is a little hurtful after having heard from her. I definitely had expectations based on that. But right now it's time to focus on our amazing daughter and see how she feels when she's older. Our daughters are healthy and loved, and that is really all that matters.
Posted by: Lauren | April 08, 2015 at 10:03 AM