First Flashback Friday: How to Deal/Cope with Explaining IF to your family?

I got an email the other day from a fellow IF Islander who is struggling with getting her family and in-laws to GET IT. How does one explain the process of ART, the reasons why certain interventions are the best options, and the idea of donor conception to folks who are baffled by and uneasy about the science? How does one field the same questions over and over again? How does one deal with the added stress of trying to justify yourself and your decisions when you might not even be sure yourself?

Good questions. I'm not sure I have the answers. Helpful, right? Anyone who wants to comment, please feel free to chime in.

I've been lucky in that my family has been very supportive. While they didn't always understand the science and they did feel uneasy about the hormones I was injecting into myself, my family really respected our determination and willingness to try whatever it took to find our baby.  That doesn't mean I didn't have to explain things over and over again. But I knew these questions were coming from a place of love and concern, and remembering that helped decrease any feelings of frustration. 

When my my sister donated eggs to us, I knew my parents were uncomfortable. Perhaps it seemed so totally futuristic, perhaps they were worried about both of our health, perhaps they had fears about how a child conceived in this way would adjust--perhaps all of the above. But they knew Noah and I were on a mission, and they respected that. That respect is really key. They knew nothing they said or asked was going to change our course, so they decided to get behind us not matter what. 

But I didn't always feel this level of support from everyone in my life, and I learned to let go of needing it. I knew that everyone had their opinions, their definition of right and wrong, their individual comfort zone, and I knew that making babies in a lab out of genetic material not our own might not jive with everyone around us. And I stopped caring. I stopped letting that stress me out because that stress wasn't productive. Noah and I were going to be our child's parents, not anyone in the peanut gallery. We knew our intentions and we knew what felt right, and in the end that's what mattered. 

Helping your family understand that infertility, even unexplained, is a medical diagnosis with a treatment protocol may aid in facilitating awareness. Clearly stating your goals--for example, to parent a healthy child-- may help open their minds and hearts to the alternative path you my need to follow in order to achieve that goal. Sometimes these conversations are less of a conversation and more about setting boundaries and explaining the game plan. If the questions keep coming, different organizations like RESOLVE or ASRM or INCIID often have information for friends/family-- an infertility specific therapist might also be helpful. 

At the end of the day, each of us knows what is right for ourselves and our family-to-be. My heart really goes out to those who have family members who don't approve of their choice to pursue treatments. I remember talking to a woman who had done several rounds of IVF, who told me her family didn't believe in making babies through ART. It was clearly heartbreaking to her not to have that support, but she was 100% sure in her decision and ended up having a baby through a gestational surrogate. Now no one cares how the baby got here, because, well, there's a baby! 

If anyone has any thoughts on this, please comment. 

Sending lots of love and strength and wishing everyone a great weekend. 

Comments

[AGP]

I'm late to this, but we've had a mixed bag. Our closest friends and my family and my husband's brother and his wife have all been incredibly supportive, and we are so, so fortunate. But his parents seem to be, at best, incredibly uncomfortable with the subject. They mostly just ignore our time on IF Island completely, but when they do actually say something, it often tends to be hurtful and dismissive and tone-deaf.

Outside of my in-laws, however, I will say that I have gotten pretty good at calmly confronting ignorance and explaining things. Granted, I don't always have the energy to host a one-woman version of the Idiot's Guide to Infertility, but I do it in hopes that whatever awful thing was said to me won't be said to the next person.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

It is really hard to deal with people not getting it. I find the more people try but totally miss the mark, the more defensive and frustrated I feel. But the more I try to convince people-- or try to help people understand from my POV, the more it feels like I'm banging my head against the wall. So I try my best, I try to explain. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. And then I let it go and move on and accept the fact that not everyone is going to understand or be empathic. IF is an invisible thing indeed. And many will say it's not the worst problem a person can have. True, perhaps. But it is painful and isolating and heartbreaking and deserves to be better understood. Sending love to everyone.

[Miley]

I must agree with you Jojo and Mel. The struggle with infertility is hard enough and to add on top of that hurtful comments and ignorance from people who supposed to provide support and love is not what I can handle! I tried to educate and explain, but I got in return silence and pure ignorance which caused me to shut down and simply I stopped sharing. It is much better this way; but still sad.

[Melanie]

Both my parents and my in-laws are completely supportive of our decision
to proceed with IVF. I can't imagine what it would be like to not have that support. The whole process is already hard enough. My mom doesn't fully understand the actual process but she listens to me when I describe it in great depth. We are presently waiting to do a frozen embryo transfer. Going to stay positive and hope for the best!

[Carla]

Infertility and mental health disorders are the least understood and least supported of medical diagnoses, I think. Someone in my family has bipolar disorder and it gets about as little sympathy as infertility. Mention cancer or multiple sclerosis and everyone rushes to donate or support in some way. We are a visual society and infertility and mental health disorders are unseen. They are not physical. Infertility: just try harder or you're trying too hard. Mental health: just get some exercise or take up yoga or something.
It is so wrong. But people are imperfect and you have to forgive their shortcomings or you will always be bitter. However I would love to see a revolution much like what happened in the last century regarding the disease of alcoholism. Before it was hush-hush. Now we know it is a real illness and generally take it more seriously.
Nobody, not even my mother who tries, understands. Only my husband, and the wonderful couple we are communicating with who plan to give us their embryos. In more ways than one, embryo donation creates a very special bond between two families who have struggled with this illness

[Mel]

I'm not sure this fits the topic discussed, but i'll bring it up anyways.

I have been trying to get my friends and family to support your indigogo campaign and I must admit I am a quite surprised by their reaction, not to say shocked. No questions asked. 0. I suspect few have donated anonymously, but they did not take the credit, at least not with me. I don't know what to think about this underwhelming reaction. Is it that they simply don't care, or are they uncomfortable with the subject of my struggles? Either way, it is consistent with how the world views and reacts to infertility.

I have done my part Maya, but it looks like the world has other priorities. There's a lot more work to be done and your documentary is much needed!

[Jojo]

I would say that unless I know the person is supportive and coming from a place of love and acceptance-- I do not explain. I don't want anyone in my inner circle who isn't 100 percent supportive. This road is damn hard without the ignorance or judgement of others. Unless they have experienced IF the level I have and can offer advice and opinions, they should just offer support and love. I really recommend cutting out people who don't or won't get it while we are on IF island.

[Carole]

my mom doesn't understand what we are doing cause she's older and from the Middle East and I can't really find the right words to express in arabic what donated embryos conception looks like. She believes we're adopting a child and we kinda are so im not over explaining it to her. Even though I've put in my fundraiser page as much details as I could and asked everyone who would like more clarification to ask I have not gotten any questions from my friends. Even people who I've explained the procedure to, once they hear IVF they think we will be using our own gametes. I'm just tired of re-explaining everything.