Momo Monday: What baggage do I bring to parenting after IF?

I hesitate to write about sleep strategies and parenting choices because people have strong opinions about these things and I don't really want to stir the pot. My opinion about strong opinions is that every person/couple has to do what feels right to them for their family. Whether that means co-sleeping or an immediate sleeping schedule, it's a very personal choice.

The problem Noah and I seem to be having is we don't really know what feels right yet and we have these moments in the middle of the night where we go back and forth about what to do. Should we put Momo in the bed? Give her a few minutes to cry before jumping in? Pacify with a pacifier or repeat Dr. Harvey Karp's Five S's until one of us passes out? Is it true that you can't spoil a newborn or do babies learn behaviors from the get-go? The past few weeks have been a bit of trial and error. Sometimes Noah and I hit a home run outta the ballpark and we are very pleased with ourselves and our blissfully sleeping baby, and other times we strike out miserably and can clearly hear each other's frustrations, even though Momo is crying like mad.

These are all normal moments of early parenthood. Flipping the pages of various baby books, checking our Wonder Weeks app, trying to remind ourselves that Momo has only been a person for five weeks-- feeling the fluctuations of fear and anxiety and pride and mastery. What I'm trying to figure out is if there is an added element to these questions for people who are parenting after infertility, and specifically for people who are parenting children not genetically related.

I remember my friend Candace, who adopted a baby boy after years of infertility that included nine rounds of IVF and multiple pregnancy losses, saying that sometimes when her baby would cry in the middle of the night she wondered if he couldn't be comforted by her because he somehow knew that she wasn't his biological mother. That was the trauma of her years of infertility seeping into her psyche. All new babies cry. She knows that. And she is very much his mother. She knows that too. But the automatic thoughts some of us have can sometimes be a reminder of our alternative path to parenthood, and I'm starting to pay close attention to how the journey might impact my own parenting decisions. 

I feel extremely connected to Momo. I was lucky enough to have been able to carry her and give birth to her, even though both processes were kind of a nightmare. I never question if she knows that I'm her mother, but during these moments where Noah and I are trying to decide things like where she should sleep, I do think her not being genetically related plays an unconscious role in my thought process. Maybe my fears that she won't feel attached to us makes me lean towards having her sleep in our room for as long as possible. Maybe me intervening immediately when she starts to fuss or get upset is my way of not wanting her to ever feel scared or alone... OMG, as I write this I realize how normal yet insane it all is.

Every parent wants the best for their child and wants them to feel no pain. Every parent's heart breaks at the sound of their baby's cry. Maybe there are a few things that make parenting after IF a little bit different, but maybe a lot of the feelings and fears are common too. I think it's most important to try and figure out where the feelings and fears are coming from so that we can work through them best we can. 

What are your thoughts about brining IF baggage to the next stage?

Comments

[C]

We did co sleeping. We prepared for it and for not doing it because we weren't sure. Her first night home we knew it was right. We followed Dr Sears' advice. It was absoulutely the best way for us at the time; nothing but positives. However I don't know if we would do co sleeping with our hoped-for next child if we are so blessed. We did co sleeping after getting pregnant on first try, having perfect pregnancy and natural childbirth and exclusive breastfeeding. Our hoped-for next child will be after five years of secondary infertility, failed IVFs and a loving embryo donation. I cannot say yet what we will do. Co sleeping has huge benefits but I can't get over the perceived risk and that perceived risk is more important when you've been through so much to have your child, I think. Plus, I feel so much older now! We shall see. I think we may not do it, who knows...

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for all the thoughtful comments everyone. Lisa-- GOOD LUCK IN JUNE! Normal to be terrified but be stay positive! It's the best thing you can try to do. I hear ya Kitten-- I feel similarly that this might be my only chance so I have to savor every moment--I've stopped trying to think I can do anything perfectly and am trying to embrace the different ways I might screw things up. Lisa! Eight weeks! So exciting. I know all about the anxiety and the guilt. But you've worked really hard for this P and have done so much for the IF community--- no guilt! Jojo, always looking at the positive. I love it! Very good point Karre and thanks for that reminder. We have a new human in the house and we are all figuring things out...and then you're right, when we finally think we figured out how to calm her our old tricks don't work anymore. Sorry you're in hormone hell Lauren. It's all terrifying and interesting and...messy-- the entire path to parenthood for those of us who don't get knocked up so easily. Beautifully put Lindsay! And I am constantly imagining germs invading Momo-- probably more a first time mom thing than anything else...

[Lisa]

My thoughts are that I'll be a big worry wart about everything! I already have feelings that I won't be able to enjoy the pregnancy because I'll be thinking about the medical bills and what it took to get this baby (hopefully) growing inside of me. I do have a calm sense though about doing our first IVF in June, but on the other hand I am still terrified. I'm trying to remain positive and be strong for myself because only I can control that. It's so hard and Infertility is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. (TTC since August 2012, 4 failed IUI's, diminished ovarian reserve, husband is fine, first IVF June 2015)

[Kitten]

I can't speak to the specific fears or baggage that come with parenting a non-genetically related child, but I do often think about my parenting choices and style in relation to infertility. Would I be doing it this way if I hadn't struggled to get pregnant? Maybe, maybe not. I feel the pressure to do things perfectly - to embrace every moment, record every memory - because there's a very good chance I'm not going to get another opportunity thanks to infertility.

[Lisa]

Even just 8 weeks into my pregnancy, I am feeling a tremendous amount of IF baggage. A combination of "it's too good to be true" anxiety and survivor's guilt.

[Jojo]

I found that I am just as scared and obsessive and overwhelmed as other non IF first time Moms. However, I do feel like I am able to squeeze joy and gratitude out of the hardest moments because I had to battle so hard to get here. I have perspective that I am lucky to have to wake up five times a night to a crying baby and not shower whenever I want. I have found that after the hell of IF- it is us infertiles that are luckiest. My 'fertile' Mom friends seem so be more frazzled and stressed and less just plain old grateful. Just my experience and thoughts.

[Karre]

After three years we were able to conceive naturally so I don't know if I can consider myself part of the IF world but I do have some thoughts on your post if you don't mind. What you are feeling is completely normal, even a genetic newborn feels like a stranger when you have no idea what they need, why they won't go to sleep or why they won't for the love of God stop crying. Every parent, and I don't care how many kids you have, a newborn is just something you don't master, you try things until you find a fit. Then when they are out of that phase something else will come up, it's the joys of parenthood and you guys are navigating the best you know how, just like everyone else does. Additionally if you guys are blessed with a second baby it really isn't any easier!

[Lauren]

I love your posts about parenting after IF - it gives me something to think about that is a ways off for us and isn't related to hormone injections or embryo transfers (which is very much my life right now!). I think being a first time parent is pretty darn terrifying regardless of how that baby was conceived - does IF make the whole process even MORE terrifying? Honestly I think that it does - we have experienced so many setbacks and disappointments along the way that it is easy to look for the next thing to go wrong. It sounds like you guys are doing a great job and that it is getting a little bit easier with time :)

[Lindsay]

I wondered after having our daughter if I was a little bit more freaked out than other parents who didn't have infertility struggles about her well-being. I worried incessantly about her breathing, how delicate she was, not wanting her to get sick or be around any germs at all, a small hemangioma at the back of her neck (it really is nothing, but I took her to the doctor just to be sure.) It was like after all the struggles we went through to make this perfect, miraculous little baby I almost didn't want to believe that I could just relax, take a deep breath and ENJOY her.
Now she's 6 months old. She's a little armful of energy and smiles and as she grows and develops her personality I'm able to relax a little bit more. But I still get nervous about germs and diseases and something bad happening to her. We had to start her at daycare a few weeks ago and while I choose a safe, great place with wonderful women caring for her during my work day I have a terrible feeling that I'm shirking my responsibilities as a parent and that our bond won't be as strong when I'm not with her all day. Initially, I thought that had everything to do with my time on IF island but a few weeks back, a friend of mine who recently had a son - and had zero issues with getting pregnant but delivered 5 weeks early - was expressing the same exact concerns I was feeling about going to work. Her trauma might be related to having a preemie, but it also might just be the fact that she's a first time Mom and what she wants is what I want and what you want and what we ALL want - for our babies to be as happy and well-adjusted as they can be. And that has everything to do with us being concerned and good mothers, whether genetically related or not.