Somehow the day just goes and I feel like I'm always on a time clock to get things done. Getting to know a new human that we've brought on this earth is both amazing and stressful, and perhaps the biggest gift my years on IF Island have given me is the perspective that as challenging as having a newborn can be at times, it doesn't even compare to all the IF stuff.
Case in point. Momo wakes up several times a night to eat. That's expected. She starts this process by about 45 minutes of grunting in her bassinet, where it sounds like she's trying to pass a kidney stone. I jump up alert at the first signs of her grunts and start by looking to see if someone has replaced my baby with an obese bulldog, and then going through a series of thoughts that question whether this behavior is normal. I prepare to feed her, which means surrounding myself with several towels and the "milk saver" nipple guard and the little nightlight that I wear on my shirt to see her-- and I wait. It's 1:17am.
By 2:07am the piglet is ready. She's managed to get completely sideways in the bassinet, even though she's swaddled. Her eyes pop open and say, "woman feed me!" And I know I have about eight seconds to get her out of the swaddle and onto my boob before she screams bloody murder. As insane as it might be, I try to prevent her crying in anyway I possibly can because I think I'm hardwired to have an emotional breakdown at the first signs of her distress. That will probably change as I relax into this new role (will I ever relax into this new role?) but for now I hustle to get her into position. And then the marathon feeding begins-- where she eats voraciously, then starts grunting and flailing her body because she needs to burp, which takes about 15 minutes to do. I tap and rub her back and say things like, "your little burpie needs to find his way out, baby." I'm personifying burps at 2am and that seems completely normal. When she is too passed out to eat anymore, and her face and clothes are completely saturated in milk, I change her diaper. It sounds like a simple task in theory, but actually takes about 20 minutes because the second I get her diaper off and start to clean the situation, she pees, everywhere, including on her pajamas because I never pull them up enough. I then have to scramble to find a clean pair, trying not to wake Noah in the process. I continue to clean her diaper mess and almost have a new diaper on her when she sneezes and poops (every time!), into the clean diaper. I contemplate just using the soiled diaper but then feel terribly guilty and grab a new one, and re-wipe her down. As I try to fasten the diaper on her, she starts getting annoyed and stretches her legs out long so that I can't secure the diaper. One thing she inherited from donor genetics is long strong legs! I plead with her to "relax your legs baby" but she is having none of it and the escalating grunting is starting to happen because she realizes she's still hungry. By this point, I'm profusely sweating and the sound of Noah snoring is building a deep resentment. If she gets loud enough Noah will wake up and say, "Do you need help?" Just as I'm snapping her pajamas back on-- which I consistently snap wrong and then have to re-do-- and there are so many friggin' snaps!
YES I NEED HELP!
It's now close to 3am, and Momo is back to eating. There's a moment where I feel like all is right in the world, and then she spits up heavily all over herself, and I have to change her pajamas again, and this is the moment where I want to cry. This is the moment where Noah has to get up and get the PJ's because I just can't. This is the moment where I take a step back and think about the progesterone in oil shots. And the IVF schedule. And the daily ultrasounds. And the cancelled cycles. And the boxes of meds. This is the moment where I remember the negative betas and the day our embryos fell apart and the moment when we realized I would have to let go of my genetics. And I realize how much infertility is helping me appreciate being up in the middle of the night in a daze of milk, sweat and tears.
We get Momo changed, again. She finishes eating. It's 3:32am. I fall back asleep knowing that in about two hours I'm going to have to do this all over again. And that's ok.
Hi everyone! I commented under One More Shot but feel like I owe you all a much bigger thank you for normalizing this for me. I can't wait until the fog lifts and I can am really looking forward to the next phase. Momo is amazing and beautiful and fun and strong-- she's really friggin strong and kind of athletic for a baby-- but more often than not around 5 pm I find myself filthy, starving and totally besides myself. Thanks for the encouragement. And Silvia-- my sis is due any day now! Not really. She is 38 weeks!
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | May 18, 2015 at 09:20 PM
You have such great perspective and strength. Xoxo
Posted by: Kristie Lawry | May 15, 2015 at 05:07 AM
Thanks Y'all! I'm definitely looking for advice, always. The zipper was a great suggestion. Why didn't I think of that? Hearing how the stages change and evolve, and get easier is really helpful.
Posted by: OneMoreShotDoc | May 14, 2015 at 08:52 PM
I'm in the same situation with a three week old and cannot believe you are able to write and post coherent, even eloquent thoughts here. Posting this comment may be the biggest accomplishment I manage today!
PS we haven't bothered with pjs yet. It's warm and we swaddle her with the swaddles that allow you to check/change diaper without un-swaddling.
Posted by: Deb | May 14, 2015 at 05:43 AM
It's really hard in the beginning. What you're feeling is so normal. It gets better, don't worry! Don't be afraid to ask Noah for help. He can get up at night too.
Posted by: Cortney | May 13, 2015 at 05:02 PM
I'm not sure you were asking for advice, so ignore me if you weren't. As someone else mentioned, lose the snap pj's and never look back. Zipper or even the nightgowns where they have the elastic on the bottom.
I had my nightstand stalked with diapers, wipes, extra pj's, etc. it was a life saver.
Also, changing a diaper fast will come with time. Pretty soon you will have that thing on before she can stretch her legs.
Don't be afraid to pat her pretty good to help her burp. You won't hurt her.
You will sleep again, until then, admist all the chaos she sounds like the joy you had been searching for.
Posted by: Karre | May 12, 2015 at 05:09 PM
This too shall pass, including the grunting!
Posted by: C | May 12, 2015 at 02:01 PM
LOL trying to pass a kidney stone really made me laugh. I really love reading all your articles.
I would like to give some tips as I have a 10 week old and have been through very similar situations to what you've described. OMG I still remember those early days when I had NO idea what I was doing, and how stressful it was, even though I was over the moon having my baby with me.
Firstly, I think the grunting may be wind issues, my bub constantly grunts and sometimes cry or wriggle as if he's in great pain and I finally figured out it's because he has so much trapped gas in there he needs to pass but somehow his little stomach is too weak to do so, it helps if you lift both legs up to the head, sometimes a litte pressure helps them pass the wind faster. Also the bicycle motion helps a lot. Wind is my baby's biggest issue now, it's always worse after a sleep for some reason and I always prop the legs up high during his sleep.
Changing nappies, I find it easier to change half way during a feed, because when babies are hungry, they HATE being changed, but changing almost ALWAYS wakes them up so it won't work if they've finally fallen asleep and you hope they'd still stay asleep afterwards when you finish the change. YES the pooping after a clean one is one is their running theme, LOL! Also putting a towel or bib around them may help with spitup or any other messes.
With milk leaking, OMG I have the same issue, I sometimes see it squirt out like a water pistol, no wonder my poor baby looks like he's choking sometimes and coughs. Once again a towl is good, but if you KNOW when the letdown happens, my suggestion is put tight pressure on the other breast if you possibly can, because that will stop it from coming out everwhere. I normally know when it's coming because I get D-mer, a sudden depressed feeling in the pit of my stomach right before due to hormonal changes. I know not everyone gets it but sometimes just before the milk releases, you can feel your breasts really hardening all of a sudden. Then, you can do what you can to stop it from leaking.
Just remember it's totally normal to be stressed, sometimes I would feel really frustrated because I just don't know what to do, esp when my baby's there in agony with wind and I've done everything I possibly can.
Posted by: Sus | May 11, 2015 at 11:06 PM
Maya - three words for you...zip n plays! Look for the zip up PJs, so much easier at night than the snap ups!
http://www.amazon.com/Gerber-Baby-Girls-Newborn-Front-Sleep/dp/B00S89JVOG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1431399984&sr=8-1&keywords=zip+n+play
These were my favorite brand, and you can find them in all kinds of designs!
Posted by: Samantha | May 11, 2015 at 08:07 PM
I echo the comments by my smart Twinnie JoJo. She kept me sane at the beginning and although my gratitude never wavered, my sanity sure did! I remember JoJo telling me a story about going in for her son's 6 month check up and the doctor talking about his big smile and giggle and telling her she is finally getting some feedback after those tough first months. As I recall, JoJo burst into tears with this sentiment! You are doing great. I remember my hours long process of breastfeeding each baby one after the other and then pumping. It seemed like 15 minutes or so before the next round started! I found myself doing multiplication tables out loud to the sound of the pump machine because I was so unbelievably delirious and out of it! Now, at nine months those nights are a rarity, not the norm! Lots of hugs to you. Bravo for keeping it real and being so honest. You are doing great!
Posted by: Jess | May 11, 2015 at 07:59 PM
I've got a 9 month old and a 2 year old and this schedule sounds about right for the first 4 months. The hardest part is how tired you become after not really sleeping for 4 months! That's hard. But like Jojo said, it's true- you will sleep again, soon! And right now that I'm on the other side of the newborn stage, it's glorious and fun every single day, and I have the evenings alone and uninterrupted with my husband to have dinner, watch a show, read, and then go to bed and SLEEP till the morning. It will happen to you too.
Has your sister had her baby yet?
Well, Hope you had a wonderful Mother's Day!!!!
Posted by: silvia | May 11, 2015 at 07:53 PM
Yes. To all of this. I felt like I could have written this those first few months. Then around 3 1/2 or 4 months you emerge from the fog, sleep is a bit easier to find and all of a sudden the pep talks to yourself are less and less necessary. Then at about 6 or 7 months the fun parts truly outweigh the hard parts, sleep is finally yours and it is truly only downhill from there. You are doing awesome Mama. I tell this to all my girlfriends-- being a Mom for those first few months is not indicative of what it is really like. It is a fragile and precious and really hard little test before the real fun. Xo
Posted by: Jojo | May 11, 2015 at 07:34 PM