Ok. In all fairness. Momo doesn't hate naps. She just hates sleeping on a surface that isn't my chest. So I put her in the Baby K'Tan and wear her like a apron. All. Day. Long. Not all day, but for a lot of the day. And then I worry that I'm carrying her too much or that it might not be good for her hips or that it isn't good for her skin to be sleeping in the massive pool of sweat created between her face and my cleavage. What's going to happen when she goes back to work? And then I tell myself I won't be carrying her around like this when she's 18 years old, so it will somehow all get figured out.
Having faith that things will somehow get figured out is a really important thing to cultivate and to believe. So is trusting your instincts. I think when we are in a moment that is uncertain, there is sometimes this feeling of doubt that we will ever figure things out. I felt that way at times going through IF treatments-- when we didn't know what to do next, I sometimes felt like we were never going to figure out how to create a family. Then I became uncertain about my instincts and my decisions and it was all a hot mess. Sometimes, when I'm carrying Momo and pacing the neighborhood for the fourth time in a day, I think the same thing. Am I ever going to figure out how to get her to sleep somewhere else? It feels like the answer is no but the answer is very much yes. I have to remember I have good instincts and that somehow all will be okay. It will be okay, right? I have to get back to trusting my instincts and the first step in all that is putting all my parenting books aside (thank you to whoever suggested that!). It's information overload and at the end of the day, Momo is my kid and I'll screw things up how I want.
Momo is resilient, strong and healthy. She always has been. She was as a embryo and as a fetus (why does that word creep me out so much?) and now she is 13 lbs and 23 inches and has graduated to the next size up in diapers. Every day she is able to see the world more and is totally fascinated by everything. She is kind of obsessed with the heating/air conditioning vents that run along our ceiling. The light hits them in such a way that blows her mind and I think about how amazing it is to be experiencing life for the first time. Everything is amazing to her. A leaf waving in the wind. The annoying songs her horribly ugly play gym makes that make me want to take a hammer to it. The feeling of a super cozy blanket. It's all new and it's all amazing.
I wish we could all experience things in this way again. We can consciously try to. We can try to be mindful and we can try to take the time to be fully present and aware and appreciate all the beauty that surrounds us. I tried to do that often, especially in times of total despair. It was hard at times for sure. And now I try to do that with her-- to appreciate every moment. Time feels like it's moving so fast after years of moving so very slow.
Wishing everyone a good week ahead and hoping we can all find moments of beauty and awe.
"Heather ale" my daughter is also six and I also have secondary infertility. And yes, so much nostalgia for those days! Sometimes I wish I had known I'd have trouble down the road - in other words, how bizarre I got pregnant the first month with her - but actually I'm glad I had my daughter so easily, it made those first years so innocent and carefree and precious. If I had to struggle to conceive her it might not have been the same, as Maya writes, although perhaps I would have been more thankful for her in the first years. Infertility makes children that much more precious, so as years have passed and we haven't had another, I spend more time watching her sleep with tears and thankfulness than I would have had I as many as I want, that is certain. I believe the children of those who struggled really are more precious in their parents' eyes. It's not to put down the other parents, it's just a matter of fact. At pool at school it's myself and the other mother who had infertility who watch the kids like hawks. The other moms, who I know had their children no problem, sit on the bench and chat. Hmmm, interesting, I do think there is something in that….
Posted by: C | May 28, 2015 at 07:17 AM
That is one of the terrible things about infertility, it makes you question yourself and something that should be so clear and simple - getting pregnant - is instead so fraught. I know because I was on the other side, getting pregnant so easily, everything going well, so following my instinct was of course easier. Now I'm on the side of trying for four and a half years to have another child, my husband's surgery was three and a half years ago, my first of four IVFs was nearly three years ago, our first adopted embryo transfer failed, we have never had a positive first test. Hopes have been dashed again and again, massive effort and investment has not been rewarded, and we wonder if we are doing the right thing. We don't trust our instincts. We don't know what our instincts are! If it makes it any better, there are a lot of mothers who have children easily and nonetheless never learn to trust their instincts. To me trusting your instinct is being present in the moment - no iPhone, for example - observing the child, just listening to your inner voice, not over thinking or over researching. Getting out of your head, actually, in order to hear your head! Knowing this is temporary, just as with failed IVF you are supposed to know the pain will pass and it will not always be like this. With a failed transfer there's really nothing more to do. Don't research to figure out what tiny thing you did wrong; I don't believe that helps. And just listen to your inner voice about what to do next. But I hate the "expert advice" both for IVF and baby-raising. The person who says, you should try IVF again, it's just psychological (the husband of a friend who had two children with IVF, you would think he would understand it's not just psychological, it's egg quality!) and makes me doubt our decision to move on to donor embryo, for example, because you know, maybe one more IVF with my eggs would have been the answer. Maybe. The friend who had twins via surrogate (again you'd think she would understand!) who says, you got pregnant naturally once, it can happen again, the problem with IVF is it takes away your chance to try naturally, and it makes me wonder if all these years of IVF took away my chance of a second natural pregnancy. Well, probably not, my husband may as well have had a vasectomy, his counts are so low, I have to remind myself. And I have to remind myself too that she was just trying to be positive. But see every little thing makes you question yourself because the future is uncertain. Just have to make more of an effort to follow your instincts.
Posted by: C | May 28, 2015 at 07:05 AM
I carried my daughter around in a sling not only for naps, but for most of the first 3 months. It was exhausting in so many ways, but luckily we lived on the edge of a mountain park, and I have to admit I look back on that time now (I have secondary infertility) with nostalgia for all that closeness (and walking :-)) She's 6 now, and has never really slept easily, but she's a highly sensitive, intelligent, imaginative little being, and I think those kinds of character traits are often connected to sleep issues. I thought I might drift away from your blog now you're a mamma, but your honesty and perspective is so lovely. Happy walking x
Posted by: heather ale | May 26, 2015 at 07:16 PM