My Husband is in Love with Another Girl

And I'm okay with that. Because that other girl is Momo. 

Since the moment she came out, he fell head over heels in love. His voice was the first she heard (or maybe it was mine screaming bloody murder in the background). But as the nurses were drying her off and I was getting bits of my placenta ripped out of me, Noah was talking to his baby girl, welcoming her to the world, telling her how much we love her and how long we've waited to meet her. And the love affair has continued and gotten stronger and I'm kind of a witness to it all happening. And the way he looks at her, talks to her, cares for her, proves to me that the lack of a genetic link doesn't matter. 

Honestly, I worried a little bit about what it might be like-- for him. Knowing his biology was fine but agreeing to embryo donation rather than egg donation because I had a feeling about this embryo. I wondered how he would feel about the baby we would make in this way. I got the opportunity to carry, so I would be connected in a different way, the biological mother. But Noah has no genetic or biological connection and yet I don't think he could feel any more connected to this little girl. His little girl. And that makes my heart smile.

We rarely ever think about genes or embryos or any of the issues that were so pressing and so intense at one time. We are too busy thinking about how long she sleeps, when she should eat, and trying to manage my anxiety about those two things, in addition to all the other stuff I worry about like if she's too hot or too cold, near anything germ-like, etc. etc. etc. There comes this moment where the struggle of the journey becomes the past as we learn how to be with this little person who has taken over our lives (and house) in the past six weeks. 

If infertility has taught us anything, it has taught Noah extreme patience, especially in dealing with me and my worries, and I have learned to be so grateful for my fears and concerns. And we have come to know that love is blind to genes or biology. At least that's what I'm observing over here, as Noah is passing out with Momo in his arms-- he's been stuck in the same position for over an hour because he doesn't want to disturb her sleep. Because he wants her to be happy and comfortable and well rested, and he will do anything for her. Because he's totally utterly in love. 

Comments

[C]

Thank you so much for this, it's good to be reminded the gene question won't matter when your child is finally part of your family. It is very helpful for me now because I still, at the eleventh hour, have pangs of wondering whether we made the right choice in embryo adoption. It is so very very hard to give up your genes or your husband's genes when you don't yet have the child to take the worry away. Should we have tried another round of IVF? Egg donation? Here is why we chose embryo donation and therefore gave up both our genes like you did. In sharing my view I am not judging those who do use egg donation, I know every situation is different, and if we were not already blessed with one child who was born with our genes maybe we would have chosen egg donation as well. Just as mothers who breastfeed and have reasons why theirs was the right choice are not condemning those who did not when they tell why they wanted to breastfeed. OK, ideally maybe I should keep my opinions to myself and not tout them with so much pride! But here goes, I admit to pride even as I determine not to judge! We could have afforded egg donation, but embryo adoption seemed a more loving choice. I hated the ovarian stimulation so much, I didn't want to deliberately put another woman through that just for money. And what to do with any remaining embryos that resulted after egg donation? And what to tell the children we did with them because they would want to know one day? And do egg donors even understand what they are "getting into"? I don't think I would want my daughter to donate her eggs to a stranger for money. I could not escape these ideas - and wanted everything to be done in a fully right way as we created our next child, with only love involved. We wanted to embrace life that was already created and just frozen in time rather than create more than we need, even though we fully understand that's just how IVF and egg donation work. I am hopeful that our choice will seem absolutely right one day as your choice for you. In the end it seems, with time, the child becomes more and more your own, whether adopted traditionally, surrogate mother, etc etc. It's just hard to be at that point when the child is not yet there and you are wondering and worrying.

[Anita]

Infertility does make us realize our sides that we are not aware of. I'm just so much appreciative of how loving and patient my husband has been all along this journey. He was so totally understanding of the anxiety and depression I was feeling with my own decision to go the donor route. Now, 22 weeks pregnant I can not be happier for the blessing that I'm carrying. Also I thank God everyday for the biggest gift he has given me- my lovely husband. Your post is so touching, so lovely. I so look forward to my husband and me finally enjoying parenthood. :) Wish you, Noah and Momo the happiest family life.

[Lauren]

Oh my goodness - this post made me cry. It is so wonderful to read how happy you are now after everything you have been through - what a wonderful and amazing happy ending!

[Cherise]

Thank you for your thoughts on the "genetic connection". We are doing a donor cycle this month and those feelings and worries are very intense for me right now. While I am pretty sure that once the baby is a reality those worries will disappear, it is still a leap of faith. The more I hear other's experiences, I am more and more reassured in our decision to move on with donor eggs. So for now, I am taking a deep breath and jumping!