I've been thinking a lot about my friend who I wrote about a few posts ago, who was in her two week wait after an FET of embryos made from her second (or third?) round with her second egg donor. It's a mouthful to say (or write), I can only imagine living through it. She got her beta result earlier this week and it was a no go. She texted me a single word. Negative.
My heart sank for her because it is just so unfair. That's it. It sucks and it's unfair. I remember that feeling of empty after getting a BFN. It doesn't feel real at first and then when you start thinking about all you went through just to get to that BFN.. you're left feeling sick to your stomach. There's so much build up-- physically and emotionally, and then it's just done. Game over. And you try to find answers and have something make sense and it just doesn't.
So how do we move on? How does she move on? With one frozen embryo left, she has her Lone Ranger. Her last chance for this cycle. No pressure.
I've met and talked to so many people who have endured all kinds of different...obstacles (to say the least) on their path to parenthood. I have one friend who had six miscarriages, one was a set of twins a few weeks apart. I remember talking to her early on in my own journey and feeling like there was no way I could have kept going. She told me that she would have gone through the same process in order to end up with the two kids she ended up with (one through adoption, one through an egg donor and a surrogate). Now I understand that. All the things--the terrible, painful things, somehow line up in such a way that the baby that is perhaps destined to be yours finds you. Maybe that's wishful thinking, but most people I know who have struggled and come out the other side say things to this extent. It still doesn't negate the heartbreak, though.
But we keep going because we just do. We find a way to grieve and process and let go and move forward and love and hope again and again. We find a way-- and it's different for everyone, to get back up after being knocked down time and time again. We find ways to believe in our bodies and our family-to-be and we somehow let go of past baggage to leave room for a different outcome. For some people moving forward means ending IF treatments and choosing to live child-free, that too is a resolution. But others will keep pushing on and eventually, some how, some way, we get through it. All of us are stronger than we think.
Sending love and strength this weekend.
Hi Beck. I just want to give you so much needed support. I am in very similar boat. Out of 9 follicles only 2 matured and did not stick. Before that.. We had 3 perfect follicles which resulted in pregnancy which unfortunately with my broken heart miscarried at 7.5 weeks. At this point after 3 iui, 2 ivf, one chemical pregnancy and one miscarriage we gave up on genetics and starting search for donated embryo or adoption. I know it might take long time for any of those options but I can't give up and I wish you the same. Even though my heart is broken and this infertility changed so many things in my life ...Somehow, somewhere through all this pain there must be baby, child waiting for is. I must believe it even though my heart hurts. This experience is like no other but nothing stays the same. If we can survive this we can achieve anything. Please believe!
Posted by: Maryann | June 08, 2015 at 02:48 PM
I came across your blog and writing in the last few months as I've been preparing for and going through our first round of IVF. We found out today that is was a failure and watching your video of your first IVF failure makes me cry and feel some small hope at the same time. Your thoughts are exactly the same as mine and your husband's caring but distressed faced is the mirror image of my husband's today. I'm 37 and we only had 4 eggs retrieved (2 grade C embryos made it to transfer) and my husband is 41 with a low sperm count, so I really don't know what the future holds for us...I know it will be happier than right now, but today it seems very hard to imagine.
Posted by: Beck | June 01, 2015 at 07:23 AM
I'm sorry so many people can relate. It just sucks. Blake-- I can't believe 8/10 with other abnormalities. It's so unfair and you've done everything possible. They do need to do more research. I'm sending so much love to your healing heart and wish you all the best with whatever comes next for you.
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | May 18, 2015 at 09:16 PM
I'm so sorry for your friend, Maya. Can totally imagine the grief and the heartbreak. Makes me always wonder why some of us have to endure the terrible unfairness of IF... Medical science still has a long way to go.
Posted by: Anita | May 15, 2015 at 05:44 PM
True story. Thanks always for your perspective & speaking for us!
Posted by: Becky | May 15, 2015 at 03:16 PM
Since discovering your blog and video/s, I've been sharing it with every forum/group I belong to.
Posted by: Beth | May 15, 2015 at 11:27 AM
Thank you thank you for always writing so eloquently. You have a knack for saying what EXACTLY is on my mind, on so many of our minds, in just the perfect way. I described the getting back up to a friend the other day as one of those weighted blowup dolls that keeps getting punched but just pops right back up, seemingly effortlessly. I like your description much better. ;) Somehow...we just do. Hug Momo tight for all of us waiting to find our Momo! And thank you again for being such an amazing voice for us!
Posted by: Jordin | May 15, 2015 at 10:35 AM
Interesting blog post for me, considering the news I received 1.5 days ago. Our IVF journey has ended. We had 10 embryos tested for Huntingtons, through PGD and PGS. 8/10 had the HD gene, and the other two had other abnormalities. The doctor said she would not recommend IVF for us anymore due to the terrible odds we are dealing with. What's not fair, is that "they" say HD is 50/50. But if 8/10 have HD, then how can it be 50/50 for each embryo? Seems like more research is needed in that area to further investigate those odds.
We have decided, for now, to not continue on a baby journey. For now. I'm not sure what the future holds, (I'm wanting to go on a world wide travel adventure) but I know that life sucks, is unfair, yet at the same time, strangely beautiful. Thanks Maya, for your blog. It gave me hope while I was going through all these trying times.
Posted by: Blake | May 15, 2015 at 10:26 AM