UGH! I just spent the last hour writing a blog post and then my internet farted and it all disappeared. I'm so very depressed because a) it was somewhat coherent b) it had all these links and stuff that a techtard like me has a really hard time putting together and c) I spent an HOUR writing and I don't have an hour to do anything anymore. I haven't had five minutes to pluck my eyebrows let alone... ok. I won't cry over spilled milk. But I do. And I have. And I did just yesterday. Moving on.
Momo got her first set of shots today at her two month (I know, I can't believe it's been two months) doc appointment. Seeing the nurse bring out the tray of syringes made me want to cry but also made me flashback to my first injection. I was a wreck. I couldn't sleep the night before. I was sweating. I was afraid. I was also convinced that I would have to do eight days of them and not two years off and on, but who's counting now. As the nurse was getting ready to stab Momo, I looked away (Noah was holding her) and told myself that she won't remember this. Her present moment will become part of her past and at least she won't get whooping cough.
I realized then how much all the intensity of going through ART has become part of my own past. Many IF Island survivors that we interviewed for our documentary told us this would happen. That one day we would be on the other side and we wouldn't feel the burn of desperation. We wouldn't feel sick from not knowing when or how or if we were going to find our baby. We wouldn't feel the all consuming intensity of being so far away from something we wanted so badly. I didn't believe these survivors at the time, because the present moment for me was so painful and so intense, but now I understand that there comes a moment where your present experience slowly fades into a memory-- that perhaps comes with some valuable life lessons.
The best thing I did for myself when going through infertility was to constantly remind myself that nothing stays the same forever. That even the most painful and heartbreaking moments pass, and though it often takes time to heal or rebound or figure out how to move forward, it is possible, and the feelings change. I did that today as the nurse pulled back the syringe and stabbed it into my baby's chunky little thigh. I reminded myself that the moment will pass. The pain will pass. And we will both be okay.
Sending Friday love to anyone stranded on IF Island feeling the intensity of the present moment.
Hi Ashley-- thanks and welcome! And I'm sorry you're stuck on the Island but wishing you so much luck with the upcoming IUI. Maryann-- ugh, you've really been through a lot. I so understand that isolation but know you are never alone. And it will pass. I would always tell myself I wasn't going to be going through IF treatments at age 50! Things are constantly changing. Good luck with whatever comes next for you.
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | May 24, 2015 at 08:35 PM
Nothing stays the same mantra is the only thing which helps me to go through this hell for past 2 years.. 3 iui, 2 ivf, one chemical pregnancy and one miscarriage at 8 weeks, visit to children aid society looking for answers, sign from God or anything which elevate this burning pain. Your blog which I read often helps me elevate the loneliness I feel in my soul and baby searching. We just found out the second ivf was a failure and considering our age ..we don't have much options left other than embryo donation or adoption. Relationships got strained or broken, too many hurtful things were said which caused me to withdrew and close up. And while all this is happening I keep reminding myself.. This shall pass too .. And least that's what I pray for each day.
Posted by: Maryann | May 23, 2015 at 05:32 PM
I just recently started reading your blog a few months ago and I love it! Currently on the IF island here, and only just started (3 rounds of Clomid, 3 rounds of Fermara and now onto our second IUI), but what you said resonated with me: Nothing stays the same forever. Thank you for that and I love seeing your sweet little baby!
Posted by: Ashley | May 22, 2015 at 10:52 AM