Momo Monday on a Tuesday, Because Sometimes That's How Things Go

Momo and I flew back home yesterday. The ride home was a little bumpier, but all in all she did great. But she's heavy--and has been stripped to my chest for the last...11 weeks?! Whatever. I feel like I hit the baby jackpot, she's got such a sweet temperament. Definitely not genetically related to me in that sense. And she's got long legs-- another donor perk that I could not have passed down.

For the entire time away, Momo's schedule was totally off. Not that she really has a schedule at 11 weeks, but we have a sense of her naps (still only on my chest) and a basic understanding of her bed time. This last week, it all went pretty much out the window and though it caused me significant anxiety (insane thoughts like maybe her brain won't grow if she doesn't sleep enough), everyone survived. And she's happy and healthy, even though she went to bed closer to 10pm than 8pm. I repeat, everyone survived.

This was an important lesson for me, because it showed me, once again, that sometimes we (I) need to be flexible, and sometimes things don't go smoothly or according to plan, and in the end it's all ok. I thought I learned everything I could about flexibility during my IVF cycles-- with cancelled cycles and non-responsive ovaries and no embryos for transfer day. But Momo is teaching me all new lessons in flexibility, patience, and mindfulness. So I guess my time on IF Island was the prerequisite course.

So how can we be flexible when we know things are better off one way but they seem to be going another way? How can we be patient when time and time again things don't go according to plan or when every time you put a sleeping baby down in a bassinet her eyes pop open like toast ejecting from a toaster? How can we be mindful and present when we are fed up and jacked up on hormones or desperately tired in a sea of dirty laundry?

I keep bringing it back to the moment and reminding myself that any sensations or frustrations I have are temporary, and I try to find a little sliver of peace or beauty in whatever is in front of me. I TRY-- doesn't mean I'm always successful.

When going through ART, the best I could often do was focus on something sweet. The smell of fresh strawberries, a cozy solid nap, being hugged by someone I loved. Sometimes it works, sometimes my heart hurt too much, so I just sat with it until I could find some sweetness again. Now I focus on Momo's little face. She has a pretty perfect one-- even when her eyes are red and she's fighting sleep. I have to remember she was stuck in a freezer for the better part of four years so perhaps she's a little wide-eyed because the world is an amazing place. She's really curious, which makes me really curious. I try to see things the way she does, for the first time, which is really hard to do. Every morning when she wakes up, I sing a little good morning song to her toes and she smiles the biggest, most joyful smile. Then I open the shades (which we refer to as the sun rising) and she looks at the way the light reflects off the air conditioning vents, and I watch as it blows her mind every morning.

This moment is why I went through nearly five years of infertility. This moment makes the fact that we spent thousands of dollars on IVF, only to have our embryos dissipate in the petri-dish, okay. This moment trumps all other desperate and painful moments, because we finally found our baby, and she finally gets to notice shiny things that make her smile.

So maybe she will be a little tired and fussy later. I probably will be too. But for now I just try to see the light with her, knowing one day the big metal vents will just be air conditioning vents, and nothing more.

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Thanks for the love Jess! And JCS-- believe me, I want to post 100 picts of her, she is so friggin cute, but I feel like I should protect her privacy so I'm hesitant to post picts. But I will say I don't know how it happened but she looks a lot like my sister when my sister was a baby!

Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | June 14, 2015 at 09:32 PM