A New Chapter

Yesterday, Momo went in the pool for the first time. I put her in a silly little bathing suit that made her look like a 1940's wrestler and she kicked around just a little uncertain. She's growing so quickly, she blows my mind every day.  I have these moments where I look at her and can't imagine my life without her. I look at her and remember the picture of her as an embryo. I look at her and am amazed at how much she looks like me when I was a baby. The journey to find her seems like another lifetime ago and yet finally having a baby doesn't feel like a cure for infertility. My friend Candace said that after adopting her son after 9 rounds of IVF. She was right. 

Noah and I are in a new chapter for sure, but figuring out the first three months of parenthood while trying to wash away four years of infertility has it's own challenges. It been hard for me to completely put my finger on this unsettled feeling I sometimes get. Is it just anxiety about doing the "right" thing for Momo? Is it realizing how much Noah and I have gone through to get to this point only to have moments of feeling pretty disconnected? Is it the expectation that every moment of having a baby should be complete bliss and yet there are times when it's just exhausting and hard? Is it knowing we will have to continue talking about IF--telling Momo her story, planning when to go after that second embryo-- there's just more stuff. More feelings. But not a lot of time to process them.

The years on IF Island have given me a specific perspective. I know how lucky I am to have Momo. But the experience has also made me a little hardened. You don't miraculously forget the journey just because you're on a new one. And maybe that's ok. The journey is part of who I am now, and the lessons of patience and going with what is can be applied to being a new mom. 

Sometimes I wonder how different I would be had we gotten pregnant easily. I would have a five year old, and maybe a second kid, and I'd be totally oblivious to a world that millions of people belong to. I'm proud to belong to the IF community because I feel like we are all a bunch of fighters, and I know the process has made me stronger. 

The saying "this too shall pass" is really true, and it was my mantra for a long time. Things do pass, but that doesn't mean they disappear. Experiences become part of who we are and that can be a good thing. 

Comments

[Maryann]

I had not read the nasty comment from Mmagas but judging by the tone of the comments it seems like it came from shallow minded person. Only someone like this would dare to judge and say that the parent is only created by genetics! It is not even worth to try to defend or explain because for me anyone making statement like this is just cruel and simply stupid.
It almost makes me glad I have to had a chance to read her comments.

[Essie]

Hear,hear! Opinions and discussions are great, but trolling in hurtful ways on good people's blogs is never OK.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Y'all. Thanks for these response comments to a nasty comment I decided to take down because it just didn't feel right leaving it up on this blog. While I appreciate different point of views and respect opposing opinions, no one is going to tell me Momo is not my child. Not here. Not anywhere. Call it my maternal instinct ;) Parents are the people who love and raise a child, regardless of where they come from. That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it!

[WBC]

Another great post, Maya. And so timely. I recently found out a dear friend is pregnant after only a few months of trying. She and I are the same age, but it took me 2 yrs of heartbreak, $$$$$, and ART to make it happen. I know I am still one of the lucky ones in the IF world, but even after having "gotten mine," I could not help but feel that twinge of jealousy upon hearing her news. It is a much softer feeling now though. I agree that the IF experience will forever be with me, and the upside is I know my relationship is strong and our family is resilient. We know how to face challenges together. You will know what to do when it comes time to talk to Momo about her birth story, and you will be a stronger family for it. Ignorant comments from detractors may still hurt, but you know what you are made of. :)

[Silvia]

I agree that the comment made was horrific and mean and uncalled for. Most thinking, non-bitter humans would recognize Momo as your child because you are raising her.

I have thought though that embryo donation/adoption is complicated because like you often emphasize and state that Momo is "100% your baby." I find this interesting/complicated because as a mom with 2 genetic/biological children who I carried, I never would think of stating that my kids are 100% mine and my husbands, this is just a complete given, something that I'm lucky enough to never ever question or have anyone else question. I think Momo is as much your child as my children are mine, but there is a but, and that's why you feel like you have to talk about her being 100% yours.

The reality that she does have a genetic family out there that could in some small way have some claim to her and that others and possibly Momo herself, would recognize in some way as also being her family, tied to her through genetics. I think this only adds to the beauty and wonder of Momo though.

I think your family of three is awesome & beautiful!

S

[Leanne]

I've been following this blog for years and have never felt compelled to post but the post by Mmagas is just so horrific that I feel I must do so for the first time. Without even going into the numerous arguments that prove Mmagas' idiotic post wrong, we all understand that parents of children who are not biologically related to them are very much so parents. While doing IVF, I mentioned to my RE, who had two IVF conceived children of his own, that I had read an article about a study showing that IVF conceived children are "smarter" than peers, even after all factors (socioeconomic, premature birh, etc) are considered. I asked him what he thought made the difference and he said that while researchers can control for those factors, they cannot control for the desire to be parents. In his opinion, IVF children are "smarter" because their parents desire them so much that they prioritize their children's well being in every decision. If this applies to IVF children, I can only imagine how much more desire to parent comes into play with children conceived through embryo donation. Momo is the result of so much desire to parent...and you and Noah are her parents in every single way. I can't even imagine the pain that a comment like Mmagas' must cause you but rest assured that no one with any sense agrees. My son, the result of our third IVF pregnancy after two miscarriages, the first of twins in the second trimester, is only a month older than Momo and also only naps on my body so I know how tired you are and how much you need to hear that you're doing an awesome job. She is a lucky little girl. Parent on, Maya.

[C]

well said, Easie

[C]

Oh how wrong you are, mmagas. To me you are a perfect example of a Pharisee living today. Mmgas, Jesus might say to you, "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people's faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to." Your judgment is precisely the type of sin of which Jesus spent most of his teaching time in condemnation. How many more times did Jesus condemn the Pharisees for their sins of judgment and self-righteousness? Far many more times than he condemned any other sin. You use this blog as a platform to judge others, forgetting that you are not perfect. Ugh, I hate that kind of negativity. As Mother Theresa said, you are using all your energies to judge, there is no more energy left to love.

Isn't it fascinating that when embryo adoption is successful the woman's body does not reject an embryo that is not genetically hers? The miracle of life, a wonderful gift from God!

[Easie]

Mmagaa - love makes a family, not genetics. If you found out tomorrow that there was a mixup in the delivery wars when you were born and your parents are actually not genetically related to you, would you stop thinking of them as your family?

As for Maya's beautiful and insightful post, there may not be a cure for the harrowing experiences of IF, but I truly believe it makes you a better parent. It has forced us to be humble to the fact that we don't know everything and to be open-minded about things we never thought we'd have to consider. It gives us perspective on what really makes a family, and more than anything it teaches us patience.

[C]

Another good post, bravo. These years of secondary infertility have been the hardest of my life, the worst, the years I want to forget, and yet, at the same time, the wonderful years with our daughter who is now six. There is that contrast for us. We did our first IVF shot nearly three years ago, on my 35th birthday, yes it really worked out that way, the day I went over the fertility hill. (We were supposed to go out with friends that evening and cancelled at the last minute, I was so sick and scared about the first shot.) I think that's when I started feeling old for the first time, 35 and failed IVFs. I don't know if I would have felt so old had I another baby in my arms; mothering an infant made me confident and happy with myself and my body. My guess is that without infertility we'd now have three kids, I wouldn't feel so old, I'd be in breastfeeding bliss for years (I really loved it), and, I would still be judgmental - that is, unable to put myself in another person's shoes - and full of pride about my mothering skills. For instance, I was one of those mothers who breastfeeds her 18 month old in public if need be. But I didn't think I was showing off. I see now I was indeed showing off, and I think other mothers who do that are too. After all we know all the meaning our culture puts into whether you breastfeed and for how long. We know some turn it into a way to put others down and build themselves up. If I am blessed with another through embryo donation I will be more humble about breastfeeding in front of others. I will try in all ways to do what is best for me and my child but without making others feel bad or uncomfortable or not good enough in order to make myself look better. Along with realizing I was judgmental and lacking in humility, this infertility has brought me closer to God, who really is the one who performs the miracle of life in my view.

[Chon]

I often have the same thought process about the type of mother I would have been if it happened easily and I know for sure I would have been a very very different mother. I wouldn't have embraced the shit days (and man let me tell you there are some days when I am like I spent HOW MUCH MONEY to have you :) ) but it definitely made me stronger, more resilient and definitely ready to embrace the crappy days.

[Jess]

This is so well said. Very true that time does help with the processing and emotions but does not take away the memories and feelings that can be so raw. Almost a year off of the Island I feel more and more joy filling into the raw parts but like you, am proud to be part of the Warriors in our community and believe it is a good part of who I am today.