Is it really Friday? The week just went. Last week I went back to work part-time at the agency I've been with for several years, and suddenly I went from feeling there aren't enough hours in the day to absolutely knowing there are not enough hours in the day. It's hard to be away from Momo, but it's also kind of surreal in a similar but very different way from what I felt while going through IVF cycles.
I distinctly remember going back to work after my first unsuccessful IVF cycle and feeling like I was having an out of body experience. I had gone through and was still struggling through an intense emotional situation-- the shock and devastation that follows going through IVF only to have your embryos disintegrate in the dish and having nothing to transfer-- and I went back to work and just...worked. It wasn't as if nothing had happened, people I worked with knew what was going on, but the emotional experience was uniquely mine, and there was work to be done. I'm a therapist, so much of my job was containing my own emotional turmoil to help others deal with theirs. I remember feeling split, like there were two different lives I was living, the inside and the outside. Now I'm back to work after spending three intimate months with Momo, getting to know and understand her, adjusting to my changing body, trying to figure out what it really means to be a mom, and trying to manage my own anxieties and fears about doing the "right" thing for Momo. And there are days where I am stinky and sweating and covered in sticky milk, just trying to find a way to shove some food in my face between Momo's cat naps. Now I have to put of an actual outfit and shoes (none of which fit me anymore for some reason) and we a real person in the world!
Going back to work has again been surreal. Only this time people seem friendly and interested-- "how's the baby?!" Versus the avoidance and confusion or plain not knowing I was met with going back to work after IVF didn't work out. I miss Momo during the day, and my inner experience of missing her and worrying about her and if she's eaten and how she's sleeping and if she is happy-- is very different from my outer experience at work. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, only to say that this might be a common experience (or maybe it's just me), and in some ways it just feels bizarre--like I'm living in two different worlds. I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing, it's just taking some time to adjust to.
What seems to be most important for me to remember is that compartmentalizing my life isn't a bad thing, it's a learned skill. It's not being dishonest, it's trying to find balance. It takes some getting used to and some conscious thought and some patience I suppose. When we are going through an emotional experience on the inside, it's also important to be kind to ourselves.
Sending lots of love this Friday to anyone whose inner and outer experience isn't totally matching up.
I hope your first week back at work went smoothly and the transition back to work wasn't too stressful for you all. I imagine it wasn't easy to leave Momo. Thank you for your great posts.
Posted by: Kristie Lawry | July 21, 2015 at 03:13 AM