Doing the "Right" thing

For the past few years I've struggled with figuring out what the "right" thing was for us in terms of building our family. Not everyone has this dilemma (to egg donor or not to egg donor? to adopt a  baby or take a gamble on an embryo? to do another round of IVF or call it?)-- but we did. And we did for years. And for a lot of that time I was convinced there was a "right" choice, but could never seem to totally find it. I've written about the right vs. the right now decisions many of us have to make on IF Island, and I truly believe more and more that that is true. I thought I'd learn my lesson by now, but apparently I haven't.

I'm totally obsessed with doing right by Momo. She's doing great. She hit the 4 month mark and is a beautiful happy healthy baby. So why I'm completely engrossed in her wellbeing is...normal I guess, but also really exhausting. It's to the point where I'm opening and closing the air conditioning vents multiple times an hour because I worry that she's too hot...too cold...too hot..too cold...as if an 8th of an inch is going to make a huge difference in the the temperature. I feel guilty if I don't read her tired cues soon enough and even worse if she's sitting in a wet diaper for more than ten seconds. I'm insane and constantly feeling like I can't do anything right. 

I felt that way a lot on IF Island, though it was different. With each intervention we opted for, with each unsuccessful IUI and IVF, I somehow felt like maybe I didn't make the right choice. It wasn't regret exactly, it was this frustrating sense of not knowing how or what is going to work and having to give my self over to trial and error. 

Well, that seems to be a lot like parenting. I don't know what's going to work for Momo all the time, but I'm giving it my best shot. I have to just be in the moment with her and look at my options and then pick one and stick to it. Things get messy when I second guess myself half way through and move onto something else. It gets confusing. 

Much of life is confusing. Much of infertility is confusing. Much of parenting is confusing. No wonder my head is constantly spinning. But perhaps if I can convince myself that my best is ok. That my gut instincts are decent. And that making a mistake now and again isn't the end of the world, maybe just maybe I can calm the F down. 

There really is no such thing as "right," there are just choice we all have to make. And if we are thoughtful and well meaning and hopeful in what we decide on, that's all we can expect from ourselves. I'm going to keep telling myself that when I'm standing by her door on the brink of tears wondering if I should let her fuss herself to sleep or rock her until my arms fall off. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for all the comments and support ladies! I am too hard on myself. And I hear ya found and clear on the anxiety, Jess. I started doing yoga again today-- for the first time in a long time. It helped. I think whether on IF Island or in a role of new mom after years on IF Island self care is key! Hope everyone is doing well and taking good care of themselves. Sending love. M

[Jess]

I hope you don't mind my suggesting this, but when I read your comment about obsessively checking the A/C vents (too hot/too cold/too hot/repeat!), it really hit home. I didn't even know it was a "thing," but I'm fairly certain I developed postpartum anxiety with my now 10 month old. I think the nature of the infertility beast is to over-research, plan and analyze (and worry about) everything - and that carried over into the early days with the little guy. I still feel it sometimes. I was on high alert looking out for postpartum depression signs (both of my sisters had it), but did not see the anxiety coming! Anyway, just sharing that in case it helps identify how you are feeling. And for what it's worth, it got a tiny bit easier as I've settled into being a more confident mamabear and started trusting the universe again. :)

[Martha]

I had to comment... Your post here and about Momo's sleep are so exactly what I experienced with my first baby. It was hard to overcome my drive to ensure that my baby was perfectly safe and comfortable and never overtired! What helped a little was to realize that despite baby books and their words of doom, and friends with kids with seemingly insurmountable sleep issues, babies are quite flexible. You and your husband are really switched-on and aware of Momo's personality and needs. You will be able to manage well and have already survived 4 months of cat naps! My first started sleeping longer at 5 months, like an hour at a time. It gets easier and even more fun!

[C]

I agree about the painful loss of innocence that is infertility. I was so confident a mother because all had gone so well for me, pregnancy, birth, etc. I don't know if I would have done so well had I struggled like we have for nearly five years now. I would at least have worried more. How different things are now than before for us. Before, we said, let's start a family! Then I FORGOT ABOUT IT, my period was a week late, and I didn't even realize it until one evening I felt very tired and my husband said, maybe you're pregnant! We were pregnant on the first try. Our miracle first child, never to be repeated, until, thank God in Heaven, we got our first ever positive after an embryo transfer this week!!! Thanks to embryo donation! Comparing these two experiences is like night and day. I can't believe I've lived them both.

[Cortney]

In case you are wondering, your experience is exactly how mine was with my first (non-IVF) baby. So much worrying!! Don't worry, you'll be able to relax more with time.

[WBC]

I think one of the deepest scars left from spending time on IF Island is the loss of innocence. We are so painfully aware of all the things that can go wrong- and that can extend into pregnancy and parenting, once we get there. Our children are just that much more precious, and we've already been conditioned to obsess over every little thing, because back on the island, that might have been the thing that made a difference between a BFN vs P. As someone who studies child development though, I can tell you it's never just one thing (except in the rare catastrophe- and don't dwell on this!). It's your lifetime of interactions with Momo that will make the difference. So try to let go and return to that blissfully ignorant place that was pre-IF. I know it's hard, and I struggle with this myself, but you are doing great, and you will continue to do so because your heart is in the right place.

[Kristi]

Please don't be hard on yourself....no need....life's got that covered! You can only do the best you can do in that moment.....whatever that moment is. Your best is good enough.....it's the BEST you can do!! I mean.....I'm not a mum, not yet......not in real life. I am one in my head.......I have been parenting an imaginary baby, or vicariously through others, for years. And I know when I finally have my own I will be the same.....obsessing and stressing and fretting and worrying and.......what a waste. Because amidst all that I will be doing the best I can, at that moment. And I can't ask for anything better than the best.

I think the reason you're so hard on yourself is because you went through so much to get her. That you went through hell and fire, over broken glass, through a field of land mines........and now that you're out of the war zone, and you've got the prize.......you're terrified you're doing it all wrong. But you're not. You're doing it all right. You're doing alright. You're doing right. By her.....just not right by yourself. :)

Sorry....hope I'm not coming across preachy. But I just think you need to cut yourself some, no a LOT of, slack and stop second guessing everything you do. You're doing fine. She's thriving........that's your proof! If she's eating and drinking and sleeping and pooping and laughing and making you guys smile wider than you ever thought possible? She's doing fine. Which means you are too.

Love this blog. It's one of my lifelines while I'm still on IF island. (I hate this place......I can't wait to see the back of it!)

Xoxo

[Jess b]

You are too hard on yourself!!! Try to relax and enjoy the ride! So long as Momo is loved and cared for it does not need to be perfect and probably often times won't be - that's life with kids! You are a wonderful mother doing a fabulous job raising a great baby!!! Cheers to that and don't worry about the rest.

[Maryann]

I am trying to figure the right thing myself. While waiting for donated embryos and after saying good bye to our genetics I struggle to contain the emotions if this is it for us and if this will bring baby to us.
You are wonderful Mom Maya and your blog brings suffered soul like mine peace and hope so much needed hope.