One of the most annoying things I remember people saying to me while going through IVF was, "how exciting!" Just before starting a cycle, I got that a lot-- how exciting! And my gut reaction was, ummm...no, there's nothing exciting about any of this. It's terrible. The shots. The meds. The anticipation. The unknown. The waiting. Terrible.
But one of my cycles resulted in Momo, and that's exciting. I wish I could have seen the process as that-- an exciting opportunity for one chapter to end and another to begin, but I couldn't at the time because it was all too scary. All too dire. All too painful. But for all the fear and anxiety in the unknown, there is also the possibility. The chance. I often focused on the fear because it was overwhelming, but perhaps putting more energy into the possibility would have served me better. But how was I to do that?
I couldn't imagine Momo. I couldn't picture her face or her toes. I couldn't imagine her smile or her laugh. I couldn't fathom something as far out as embryo donation actually working. But maybe if I spent more time imagining or visualizing these things I could have envisioned a future that wasn't stuck running laps around IF Island, and maybe that vision would have helped me in the moments of despair.
I don't know. Retrospect is a funny thing. But I do know that whatever is going to happen is going to happen, so we all might as well be as hopeful and open and optimistic as we can be. A little optimism can't hurt a situation, right?
I guess what I'm saying is we don't have to pretend to be excited when we feel doubtful and upset, but perhaps taking some time to imagine a positive outcome and to believe in ourselves and our bodies and that the desire to be a parent will come true one day could be a beautiful thing.
Sending lots of love to everyone trying to find a little excitement in the process.
Getting excited can be scary. As we are on the first cycle with donated embryos and as we hold our breaths .. We are waiting and praying and hoping. The nurse told me to make sure to use mind over matter which is the hardest thing to do after 2 years of continuous failure in art world.. but I am excited and scared at the same time. I hope God will help us and our 2 donated embryos.
Posted by: Maryann | July 16, 2015 at 03:36 PM
You are so right. We just got matched with 2 potential egg donors, and we actually were ... excited. Excited to do something with more chance of working, excited that we agreed so easily about which donor to choose, excited to stop waiting. And then, right as we were about to make our final decision, the donor we both preferred backed out for unclear reasons. I guess I'll have to get excited to see how we manage this roadblock?
Posted by: Meg | July 10, 2015 at 04:45 AM
Oh JCS, I'm so sorry. Glad you have some in the freezer but I totally get your worry. I wish you so much luck. Pamela, you're so right--learning to live with uncertainty is such a huge thing but so hard. Good luck on this next cycle!
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | July 05, 2015 at 09:05 PM
Haha, this is seriously the perfect post for me right now, as we're a couple of weeks from starting our third (and possibly final) IVF treatment. For the first two (after two years, two surgeries, and a failed IUI), I was gritting my teeth, willing it to work, hating the expense, the uncertainty, and the time it was taking us away from home (we're doing it in Turkey), fuming every time ANOTHER dang Facebook friend (or Bristol freaking Palin) announced a pregnancy or birth...
After the second failed treatment, we kind of hit a wall and took a month "off" in a neighborhood away from the city center to breathe, spend time together, meditate a little, get our heads right, and of course do endless research about reproductive endocrinology... And let's be honest, Turkey isn't the worst place to spend time!
And now I actually do feel excited about our next cycle. I even dare to feel just a little bit hopeful. Who'd have thought? And -- at least as important -- I know we'll survive if this doesn't work. We'll grieve, but grief fades and life goes on and good things happen. We'll meet our child(ren) somehow.
Learning to live with uncertainty, impermanence, and how little we really control isn't easy. But in times like this, you learn. By God do you learn.
Posted by: Pamela O | July 03, 2015 at 02:31 PM
Maya, this is just what I needed today, so thank you! We just had another failed FET with no explanation why. We have 2 more frosties in the bank and could move forward with those, but the RE also said we could take a break and try on our own for a while. In my heart, this is what I want to do but I'm also scared because of my history of RPL and the 60% chance that we will miscarry with each pregnancy. But I also know that I have a few golden eggs left and, with a little time and luck, I just might actually be able to do this on my own. I'm terrified but, when I let myself think about the possibilities, I feel excited and optimistic. Focusing on the possibilities feels really good.
Posted by: JCS | July 03, 2015 at 09:03 AM