I've been thinking a lot about identity lately. Again. The concept of identity has come up now and again for me during the years of figuring out who I was as a woman trying to make a family. It's a no-mans-land, an in between place you are stuck, but when you are stranded on IF Island for a significant amount of time, you kind of can't help but notice that infertility becomes part of your identity.
Now that Momo is six months old--I know, can you believe it? She's amazing. She's in the 95th percentile of weight and height (thank you 5'11 egg donor!) and she's starting to crawl and find her voice (especially at 5:30am when she has SOOO much to talk about). Watching her develop is all that I've ever wanted. Watching me develop as a parent is...interesting. And that's where identity comes to play for me. Even though I have embraced that I'm lucky enough to have that coveted role of parent, I still identify way more with being infertile (though I hate that word). Why?
Infertile, hopefully, for most people, is a transient identity (even though it often feels like it goes on forever). It is temporary until you transition to being an expectant parent (whether being P, or through surrogacy or adoption), then you land on the identity that you've so been wanting for, hoping for, fighting for. But there is so much insecurity and fear through all of it for different reasons, it kind of feels like you... (or maybe I should just say I because I don't know if others can relate at all to my brain ramblings here-- I have 20 mins to write as Ms. Cat Napper is ten min into nap #2 of the day) one day just become a parent. That's exactly what happens. Though it can be years of struggle and heartache and then nine months of expectation, becoming a parent does happen in a moment. A single, painful, incredible moment.
Now what, right?
It's taken me about six months to feel like I can consciously start to incorporate the different identities that I've had over the past five years. While part of me wants to just let the past go and focus on where I am, who I am now, I know one of the added bonuses of being a parent after infertility is getting to think about these things and reflect on how the "journey" has added to who we are as people and as parents. I say added here, though I know the process can also sometimes take certain things away. But why focus on the deficits?
I was an infertility patient for a lot longer than I've been a parent, so I know how to navigate that realm. This other stuff I'm still figuring out. All of our experiences make us who we are, make our relationships grow, and make us more complicated and interesting people. I have to believe that. Perhaps much of this is about embracing this new identity without needing to completely shed the past. Integrating infertility into parenthood.
Hi, I've been TTC since April 2009 and it looks like it's going to be through embryo donation, but I'm worried about my child as a teenager having identity issues because of not knowing anything about their genetic family. What are your thoughts about this? (I research the internet constantly and I am not able to find much about this topic...)
Posted by: lpizar | November 23, 2015 at 06:49 PM
I myself experienced that the best looking embryos which the doctor vouched that had high chance of pregnancy turned out not sticking at all.. And many stories of the not so good looking resulting in perfect baby. The doctors visually grade the embryos which do not take into account what's happening inside. Doctors don't know everything and we need to be our own advocates and ask questions, many questions..
When our 6 attempts failed and perfect embryos miscarried at 7 weeks, after spending 2 years driving 70 km one way to the clinic .. We gave up on own genetics and we were the one who told the doctor we don't want to try anymore with our own genetics and we want to try donated embryo. The doctor never mentioned it to us.. As we didn't reach yet standard 3 ivf tries.
Posted by: Maryann | October 08, 2015 at 08:54 AM
Oh Pamela, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine. I hope the frozens turn out to be your miracle. I have heard countless stories of the ugliest, wonkiest embryos making perfect beautiful babies. keep us posted. we're rooting for you
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | October 07, 2015 at 12:58 PM
I'm in the same boat. Took us 4 years to conceive & we now have our 3 month old baby boy. But I still kinda feel more connected to the 'infertile' crowd rather than the 'mommy' crowd. I hope with time I can let that go & transition. I'm not sure we ever really let it go.
Posted by: Becky | October 01, 2015 at 04:30 PM
Well, I thought I was finally on my way to being off the island. I was pregnant with twins from our first IVF transfer (third IVF -- our first two rounds didn't make it to transfer). Unfortunately I lost both of the twins at 5 1/2 weeks. We still have three embryos on ice, but we've already transferred the two "best-looking" ones.
I wish I at least knew if it was a genetic issue, a gamete quality issue, or a uterine issue. (I also dearly wish this was treated like a "normal" medical issue with a little help from insurance!)
We'll do another FET (or two) with the other three embryos (even though it means a long/stressful flight to Istanbul), but I'm not keen on trying IVF again after all the bad luck and the incredible expense. Donor embryos might well be in our future.
So THANK YOU for writing so candidly about it. I hadn't even really heard about it until I read your blog. And it's such a wonderful "adoption" option for some people for so many reasons. Traditional adoption can be amazing, of course, but it can also be unbelievably stressful, intrusive, and expensive. For very private people, without a whole lot of money to spend, it can be a wonderful gift.
We can't wait to meet our kids, one way or another.
https://ladypartadventures.wordpress.com
Posted by: Pamela Olson | October 01, 2015 at 11:26 AM