Our Journey to Her

For a long time, Noah and I talked about our "journey to parenthood," and wanting a "baby." I put those words in quotes because while we on our mission to resolve our infertility crisis, those words were these distant ideas. It was just this process to an end goal. A baby. I couldn't fathom what being P would be like. I couldn't imagine birth. I couldn't picture the "baby." 

Now that I've had these experiences and can reflect a little bit, I honestly have to say it wasn't about getting a baby, it was about finding this baby. Our baby. During our process, I talked to a lot of different people who said they eventually found the baby that was meant to be theirs. I believed them, but didn't fully get it until we found Momo.

Momo (or the embryo that is Momo) was created and frozen the year Noah and I started trying to create a family. It took us four years, multiple procedures and heartbreaks, but everything we did that didn't work led us to her. If the IVF or IUIs or donor egg cycle worked, Momo might still be in a freezer in Seattle and we wouldn't have gotten to her. While I'm sure if something worked we might feel that was the baby that was meant to be ours, I can honestly say I would do it all over again--every shot, every confused moment, every invasive procedure, every penny-- to end up with this baby. 

I rarely think about her origins, and the trauma of the "journey" has begun to dissipate. When you're in it, it's so intense and at the forefront of your mind all the time. But once a resolution has been found, once your baby is in your arms, the "journey" is just that. A journey. It isn't the most painful thing anymore. The baby doesn't erase the experience, but the intensity of longing and frustration are replaced with the intensity of love for this little being. 

Our little being is almost 6 months old. She has two little shark teeth and has started eating a little avocado and sweet potato. She's trying to crawl but ends up rocking herself back and forth until she gets frustrated and sprawls out on the floor with her fingers in her mouth. Every day I can't believe she's ours and while I have moments of, I don't want to say worry, but maybe I'll say curiosity about the day she asks about her bio sibs or about her genetics, I have no doubt in my mind that she will know we are her parents and hopefully it will be an interesting conversation. Hopefully we can find her origins. Hopefully she will see what a miracle she truly is. 

I wish I had known that all our struggle would lead to this moment. If I could have just believed that the nightmare would end and we'd get to watch this baby girl grow and laugh and grab things and scream (that's her new favorite thing, screaming. Just screaming. For fun), then maybe I could have gone through all of it with more grace and less fear. 

Retrospect is funny like that. Of course I can say this all now. I don't even know if I would have, could have believed it then. But I always say if you're open to how your baby comes to you, there is an end to the stay on IF Island. And there is a "baby," YOUR baby waiting on the other side. 

Comments

[Cortney]

I love that Momo was conceived the year you started trying, and she was just there waiting for you for 4 years! I have 2 more embryos that we may or may not use (I have one and one on the way) and it's so weird to think that if we do have a third child, he or she will have been conceived on the same day as the 2nd.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for these comments ladies! Pamela congrats! And ummm...good thing you asked for clarification. WTF!
WBC thanks for the post ideas...I'm about to write now. Finally finding a quiet moment.

[WBC]

Checking back in after a couple months away from your blog and it's always so nice to hear your voice in these posts. Our little ART miracles are so close in age that your descriptions of Momo make me laugh because I know those shark teeth and the rocking back and forth flailing so well. Just as I knew the cycles of hopelessness/hopefulness and the seeming endlessness of "The Journey" so well before. Two things that I hope you write about in the future- 1)if and how you deal with stranger's comments about Momo looking or acting like you or Noah (people say stuff like this to me all the time and although I personally did not adopt either a baby or embryo, I wonder how those who did would feel), and 2) your "recovery" from infertility. The harshness of the feelings have definitely tempered for me, but I am surprised at what triggers a still-painful walk down memory lane. I find that I am still preoccupied by other women being pregnant- maybe because I wonder if I will ever be again. Thanks, and happy 6-month birthday to Momo. :)

[Pamela O]

I wrote to you a while back about how helpful your blog has been for me as my husband and I have climbed a few extra mountains and forded a few extra streams in search of our (first) little one.

Just today we got our first-ever positive blood pregnancy test. (Yesterday we got our first-ever positive home pregnancy test.) We've still got a long ways to go, and our "baby" is still very much theoretical. I'm not dancing on tables or anything; I know how much can still go wrong. But we're closer than we've ever been, and it's pretty exciting. Trying to take it a day at a time.

Getting our results wasn't without drama, though. If you can believe it, they gave us a blood test result that said "Negative" right where one would expect the result to be. We almost just went home and cried. But then I asked for clarification, and we were told it was positive after all.

Anyway. The crazy things that happen on this "journey"...

https://ladypartadventures.wordpress.com/2015/09/16/good-news-but-wtf

[A Few Good Eggs]

This post resonates with me SO much. When I look at our B, I think about what we went through to get to her and how she IS our baby. It is tough to grapple with since we lost a baby before her, but we wouldn't have B if we didn't lose L. That's tough to reconcile, but I still know that B was meant to be. Anyway, it is complicated and I love your thoughts on this subject.

When Momo is old enough to understand her origins, hopefully she'll understand just how much she was wanted by you both!