"She looks just like you!"

Here's the thing. She does. Momo, though she started as a donated embryo meaning not genetically related to Noah or me, does, in fact look like us. Well, more me.  I wonder if it's because we are a similar ethnic mix, complete chance, or because I carried her. I wonder if Epigenetics is somehow at play. I'm not sure I'm using that term correctly. Epigenetics is the study of how, basically, environmental factors (in utero) switch on and off certain genes. I don't know much about it, but I wonder what Momo's full genetic sibling looks like. The clinic told me he is a blonde, and I wonder if the mother who carried him was blonde. Anyway, I digress.

Momo looks like me. She's actually way cuter, but in a general sense she looks like me. And when people tell me that, and a lot of people do, my first instinct is to say thanks. I don't know why. How does that even make sense, to say thanks. But that's the word that comes to mind. But I often do one of two things, depending on the situation, the amount of time I have to 'splain myself, and who I'm talking to. I either agree-- "Yeah, she does a little." Then I smile. And then the person will ask if I had lighter hair as a child (because Momo's hair is starting to lighten a bit, maybe she'll be a blonde too) and I answer the question. Yes. My hair was lighter as a child. All truths. All simple answers. I'm not faking anything. I'm not hiding anything. I'm answering questions. This is usually what I will do when I'm in a rush or talking to a random person at the market or whatever. Then I let them point out all the specific traits that Momo has inherited from me and I smile. But if I'm talking to someone I kind of know-- like when I first started going to a baby group and someone would comment on how she looks like me and ask if my husband is tall or a "big guy" (Momo's pretty long, and big overall), and I'll say, "No, he's not a big guy, but it's funny how much she does look like us (me ;) because she's not genetically related to us." Then I get to watch their mind explode. But wait... who... how... egg donor?... wait... hold on...

That's my favorite part. People can get an entire lesson in human reproduction in five minutes. I should go teach sex ed at middle schools. I like that I can share our story and feel proud of it and normalize our alternative baby making. Because it's totally normal. I'm just another mom in a group with a baby that resembles her. Sometimes I wonder if Momo hearing, "she's not genetically ours," is... I don't know what. I'm sensitive about saying a lot of this stuff in front of her but at the same time she will always know her story and I hope she feels proud and special. 

She is really special. 

How each person wants to share or not share is very personal. Anyone else with a donor conceived baby have thoughts? Would love to hear. 

Comments

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[Cortney]

We were considering a donor egg, and I didn't get that far along in my research, but a big question for me was, at what point do you tell your child their genetic makeup and who else do you tell? I wasn't ashamed but I didn't want everyone to know my business either. But I still wanted to normalize it because I think it is normal in this day and age, and I wanted to help show how normal it was to people. So, I appreciate your thoughts on this. I think you're right to not tell the casual person but to explain to friends in such an easy way. I've been trying more to talk about my infertility journey because I find so many people have these experiences and don't talk about them, and it's a chance for me to either educate people (they are very curious!) or sympathize. The pain was too great when I was in it, but now that I'm (almost) past it it's easier to share.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Jess, thank you SO much for sharing this!!!

[Jess]

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-3259508/Scientists-hail-amazing-discovery-s-revealed-infertile-mothers-use-donor-eggs-pass-DNA-children.html
I've been following your story for about a year and a half now. I started when I was in the midst of our infertility journey. You've really helped me get through some tough times. Your strength and determination is very inspiring. I'm so happy for you and your family. As I was surfing facebook during a 3am feeding, I stumbled upon this article. I'm sure you've seen it by now but I thought of you and wanted to share. :-) Thank you for being such a strong voice for those of us who've been on and are still on infertility island.

[Carla]

I just want to add that part of me would like to "educate" people about the terrible ordeal of infertility, that families are love not genes, etc, but I've basically concluded that's not the best way. It's not very humble. Rather than trying to educate and improve other people's flaws (lack of empathy, self-centered thinking) I will focus on improving myself. I want to be a better, more understanding person as a result of this secondary infertility and embryo adoption. Besides, trying to better others so often backfires: they say the wrong thing, judge, gossip. And, like others said, this embryo adoption isn't just my story to tell.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thank you all so much for sharing! We should create a little parents via embryo donation group or something! I appreciate the thoughtfulness as well and wonder how all this stuff-- disclosure issues, how our children will feel as they grow up, will change. Sometimes I worry but most of the time I try to be curious and I always remember that Momo will know she is so loved and wanted and so ours. Having to adjust for the "outside" world will be interesting as these babes get older....

[mikki]

We used donor sperm for my children, they are full siblings but not my husbands genetics. I have talked about it a lot in front of them, that they were so wanted that we went to the doctor to help us make them. My 7 year old is starting to understand what that all means. But the truth always comes out and I never wanted it to come as a surprise or a shock, never wanted to figure out what the correct age is to "tell" them. In terms of human reproduction it is truly amazing how little people know. We took my oldest to a sex education class that was aimed at 5 yo, just the basics, but the teacher couldn't explain how twins happened, and she had twins....

[CnLmom]

I have a 9 month old baby girl from an anonymous embryo donation and I have a seven year old son from a successful IVF cycle (my eggs, husband's sperm). Never saw pictures only a one page fact sheet on each donor. The embryo was also created from donor egg cycle of the donating couple which adds another interesting layer. We told close family and a few close friends mainly because I was very against not telling and I totally thought it would be very obvious anyway. Well low and behold this child looks like us! She especially looks like my son and everything is just so familiar about her. Happened right from the beginning, even our family is stunned. She has the same clef in her chin that my son and husband share and a dimple in the same cheek I have one in. I still want to tell but my husband is not wanting to because he doesn't want her to feel different one day. I'm working on him and I know we will tell her one day and we will have to tell her brother too, probably when he learns biology or starts asking questions. I plan to be open and matter of fact but I'm not sure I like the whole thing about talking about it all the time. We don't talk about natural conceptions all the time so it just seems weird to me. I don't want to hide the truth but I also don't want it to define her if that makes any sense. I thought about all of this when I was pregnant but it has gotten so much more complex since she was born. I just love her so much and feel very protective over her. It feels no different from the way I feel about my son. Sometimes I fantasize that she is genetically related and I think I grieve that she is not and will someday have something to deal with. I see a counselor about all of this and it has really helped me process all of this. I would do it again in a heartbeat though because this is the baby we were meant to have. I do wish there was more openness and was considering calling the clinic to see if just maybe they feel the same... I think that would make it easier. I'm like you though, when strangers or even friends that don't know say something, I just tell the truth. "Yes, my husband does have blue eyes." I would never just out and tell someone. It is her story to tell not mine, but I also won't lie. Sorry for the book😜

[Maryann]

We are still early in pregnancy with donated embryo (almost 10 weeks) but the more I think about it the more I am convinced not to tell. Unfortunately there is too much ignorance surrounding infertility and other ways of having a child. There is still stigma around third party reproduction and the nation of superiority of own genetics, which makes me angry as family is not made by genes but it is made by love. Lately my friend upon learning about my pregnancy ( doesn't know it is donated me ergo) said: see at least it is your blood and flash (vs to adoption which I told her I wanted to proceed with). This comment made me sad and confirmed not to tell because some people just don't get it and I am tired of educating and open their closed horizons.

[Carla]

I can't decide! I think I won't tell most people, because they don't understand and don't try to, but may just gossip about this strange thing we've done that they don't comprehend. I recall how little I tried to understand IVF when I was happily fertile. I've told family and a handful of close friends about the embryo adoption, and once I show (I'm 13 weeks thank God we've come so far!), I'd get a kick out of telling people I'm pregnant with my adopted child. But I probably won't. Plus we have our six year old daughter to consider (conceived naturally). She is too young to understand, it's not her story, plus she has had trauma these five years we have TTC especially trauma from our rounds and fails of IVF. Though we never spoke to her of our difficulty she is plenty aware of something and has suffered too. So we will keep it simple. However in a few years we will tell the child of the embryo adoption and our daughter can listen along. We are glad we chose open adoption so we can share details about the donating family, who will now forever be a part of our lives

[KB]

You are handling it perfectly, from the opinion of an outsider who has often been the one making those kinds of comments!

In college, we had "moms day" with our sorority sisters our freshman year, and we all went to brunch as a big group. It was the first time we were meeting the moms of our friends, and I told my friend she looked JUST like her mom! She got this big smile and said "No I don't!" So I persisted, thinking she was just being modest, and said "no- I mean I really do see the resemblance!" and she said "Nope. Can't be." I didn't pick up on why that might be, so this went on for a bit. She then said she was adopted- but the way she handled it made me feel incredibly stupid. Because, to me, they DO look a lot a like. I don't see how the fact that they aren't genetically related makes me wrong about that. It would have made me feel better if she had just said "that's so sweet- i'm actually adopted" or something, instead of taking me through 15 rounds and then dropping it on me like I should have known. And as you say, it's up to each individual how they want to handle it- but I think the examples you gave sound much kinder to folks like me who have made that error without even thinking about it.

[E]

You can look up studies that have been done about genotype and phenotype. Bottom line is that YOU carried her, so your genes affected her development, which can include appearance. If someone else had carried her, she would be different - from looks to taste preferences to temperament.