Why are the holidays so hard on IF Island?

They just are. 

Noah and I usually spend turkey day with his family up in Seattle. Thats' where we are now. Looking back on the last few Thanksgivings has given me some...I don't know, perspective in how very thankful I am this year.

Thanksgiving 2012 was the WORST. We were mid IVF cycle and things were quickly falling apart. Noah and I ate the equivalent of airplane food turkey at a hotel in Palms Springs (because we couldn't travel with our doctor appointment schedule) and imagined that Thanksgiving the following year would be different. Thanksgiving 2013 was different but not in a good way. Not in the way we were hoping for. The egg donation cycle we did with my sister the summer of 2013 was a bust, so by November we were still trying to figure things out. That was the time I "found" Momo and we went to meet with the clinic about embryo donation. It all seemed really... bizarre yet hopeful. Last Thanksgiving, 2014 I was on bed rest with Momo, and I couldn't believe she was becoming a person inside of me. I was terrified but thankful for every day she grew bigger and stronger. 

This year we are back in Seattle, with Momo. Now I can't imagine our lives and our family in any other way. Though it's exhausting and chaotic to travel or pretty much do anything with a curious 8 month old, she blows my mind every day and her existence makes me eternally thankful. 

Noah has a group of friends back home who all have kids. Some have one, some have three. Momo is the youngest. Tonight they all came over to crawl on top of each other chew each others toys, and I had a moment of overwhelming gratitude that we could be a part of this. I'm very much aware that many people who go home for the holidays have similar moments of friends and family and babies, yet surrounded by their loved ones they can't help but feel totally alone. Noah and I know that feeling-- that longing and sadness and we send love to everyone out there who is in that situation today.

All I can say is it might take time, years perhaps, but eventually things change. Eventually something has to give. Eventually you don't feel so lonely. 

Happy Thanksgiving. Wishing that regardless of where you are in your journey to parenthood that you can find something beautiful to be thankful for. 

Comments

[V]

I'm so glad that I found your blog. Thank you for writing and continuing to write even after becoming a parent through your journey. I wished I had found this two years ago when I started the "Island" journey. What a comforting analogy by the way. It's the holidays and my husband and I are spending it alone this year, not such a great feeling especially after another failed attempt. I'm pretty beat up in all senses so I've been searching on a daily basis for some comfort and your blog has given me this. Thank you and please, always keep writing. ;-)

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Sorry for my delayed response here but I know the holiday stuff hits home for a lot of people. JCS-- I'm so sorry. You've been in this fight for too long and even though every year around this time you might feel like you keep saying next year is your year, eventually you will be right. Noah and I kept saying that--2012! 2013! Whoo hoo! Bust. 2014!! And then we hit the jackpot. With the baby that was meant to be ours all along. Yaensk--an HSG is the PERFECT holiday gift to yourself! Ugh. Hope everything went well. My first one was so painful and it showed only one two. My second one showed everything was fine. Go figure. I hope you get good results and hope for whatever comes next. Pamela-- NOOOO! I'm so sorry. It like enough already, right? The way things pan out often doesn't make sense but I send so much love your way and lots of strength to get through the rest of this year. Fingers crossed for you Laura! Keep us posted! Maryann-- congrats! So happy you're getting a different experience this time around.

[JCS]

Thanks, Maya. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to feel like my holidays will never get better. I just had a third failed FET cycle with a PGS tested embryo. My RE has no idea why this keeps happening. We are now back to trying on our own, back to square one after 3 years of RPL and failed IVF. It's so ridiculous it's almost funny. Although my perspective has changed, and I'm definitely stronger, the holidays are still tough. I want to order Christmas cards with my baby's chubby cheeks on them, I want to be announcing our little miracle! Instead it's another year of zero progress, no baby and a lot of uncertainty about the future. In 2013, I was sure that 2014 would be better. In 2014, I hoped that 2015 would be our year. In 2015, we thought surely 2016 would be the one but, at this point, who knows. Trying to stay strong this season. Hoping we all get off this island next year!

[Yaensk]

This blog is a godsend. I'm new to IF island, but your words are hitting the spot. I am muddling through the holidays, a year in and no baby (while the relentless emails and FB messages from family showing off their perfect babies, toddlers, and children keep coming). In fact, I am celebrating by heading in for my HSG in a couple of hours - while coworkers keep telling me "It won't be so bad - if it were, they'd give you something right?". At this point, I'm not sure if I am more afraid of the pain of the procedure, or of the results - because is there a good result from an HSG? I just wanted to say thank you - for writing words I can relate to, and for making those of us who are in this position feel less lonely.

[Pamela O]

Yep, we're there. Fresh off a miscarriage (after three IVFs), hoping for a miracle pregnancy on the next cycle. But we just found out Thanksgiving day that we are most definitely (still) not pregnant.

Went to a friend's place for turkey dinner -- a friend with a five-year-old, a friend who's little sister just had her second child. Her husband's little brother was passing around his angelic toddler. And the end of the night somehow evolved into all the women telling their birth stories while I just sat there with nothing to add.

"Hey guys, wanna hear about IVF? And by that I mean failed IVF?"

Probably not.

Feels kind of endless and hopeless sometimes. I never imagined I'd be about to turn 36 and no closer to a baby. We still don't even really know what the problem is. Yeah, I have endometriosis, but (a) it's been treated and (b) lots of people have endometriosis and still get pregnant.

Anyway. One of those days. Thanks for giving us a glimpse of at least a dream of light at the end of a tunnel of unknown length.

[Laura]

I appreciate your thoughts and your words in this post. I feel the longing. I am currently in the TWW of my 5th ivf cycle. I'm 39, single and so want to have a baby. Ironically this was my best cycle yet. I'm crossing all my fingers and toes this time!

[Maryann]

Thank you for this post. It hits the spot.. 2014 was the worst Holidays time in my whole life. Freshly after miscarriage surrounded by children which didn't belong to me, having this sinking hole in my heart not knowing when and if this will ever end. It was heartbreaking.
The gratitude I feel this year being pregnant with donated embryo is indescribable. Thanking God every day for this gift and forever greafful for the people who donated them to us. Praying for everyone who suffers on IF island this Holiday Season.