Can we just wrap the year up in a neat little package with a bow?

It's hard to believe another year has passed. Years feel so long on IF Island and then suddenly it seems like WTF just happened, the year is over? Noah and I often felt like we had nothing to show for the year other than a giant box full of syringes. 

I often felt... uncomfortable...angry? pissed? sad? shocked? when another year had passed and we weren't any closer to having a family. I guess we were always a little closer in that we could check certain things off our list. Clomid? Ha. Check. IUIs? Check. IVF? Check. Donor eggs? Check. Even though we didn't get the outcome we wanted with these things we did get closer to the goal because we knew trying these things, regardless of outcome, was part of our process. But the end of the year felt hard because I wanted things to be wrapped up in a neat little package, tied with a bow. I wanted closure and clarity. I wanted to feel like I had some control or some sense of what the plan was, where we were headed, and how it was all going to play out. The end of the year and the beginning of a new year often makes some of us feel like this. Like we want a clear end and a clean slate beginning. But more often than not the end of the year on IF Island kinda means nothing but the feeling that another year has gone, another year of the biological clock ticking louder. More often than not we don't have clarity, things are not left in neat little package with a bow. Things are left nebulous and vague and uncertain. The discomfort for many of us is in the uncertainty of it all and yet we have to muster to find hope and optimism that this next year will be IT. 

We have to find that feeling. That hope. Hope sometimes feels betraying but sometimes it's all we have. Noah and I said "next year will be our year" for several years. And eventually we were right. Now Momo is 9 months old. She's tearing up the house shelf by shelf and it's incredible to watch. We can't imagine our lives without her. We can hardly believe that this time last year we were just hoping she stayed put for a few more months until birth. And the year before we were trying to figure it all out and the year before that we were just a hot mess. There came a point where I had to let go of the idea that the year would end neatly with a game plan and I just allowed it to be a time of rest and being cozy. I didn't want to reflect or set resolutions or goals. I just wanted to try my best to take care of myself and Noah and recover. 

Now we are taking care of Momo. We are more exhausted than we've ever been. Noah just looked and me with bags under his eyes and said, "it's not even 11am." And this is what we were waiting for. 

Comments

[Pamela O]

I feel you, Lisa. I try so hard to love and appreciate my body and believe it will happen. But after 3 IVFs resulting in one miscarriage, and only three so-so day-3 embryos left (and little desire to try IVF again, though I'm fine with trying an FET with the last three amigos), it's hard to have much faith. Even if I become pregnant again (with our embryos or donor embryos), it will be with a heavy dose of dread and fear -- and I hate that.

When it comes to the most important event/decision/goal in your life being so precarious, finding that place of accepting what you don't have control over, doing what you can, and hoping for the best is not easy. It's a scar you really can't grasp unless you've been through it. (A friend of mine tried to compare it to male-pattern baldness! I'd a thousand times rather go bald than go through what we've been through.)

But hey, it's a new year, and though we have our moments in the pits, we're pretty strong and stable, and we'll become parents somehow. Here's hoping.

And many, many congrats on your pregnancy. <3

[Blake]

I had a couple meltdowns this last week. Frustration, jealousy, sadness, you name it. I guess I've just masked my true feelings 99% of the time since our 2 IVF fails. I thought I was getting better, and maybe I am, but having my sister home was what did it. She is the person that I can be 100% honest about without sounding totally self-absorbed. It's kinda funny though, because she is 12 years older than me, and was a self-proclaimed "never gonna be a wife, never gonna be a mom" person. She goes to the movies and travels alone (prefers it that way) and yet found herself pregnant at 37. She didn't like being pregnant at all, but her boy (who has Cerebral Palsy and needs her 24/7) is her everything. So she can finally see where my longing for motherhood comes from. Before she was the person looking at me like I was a complete lunatic for wanting to be "tied down". We drank, I cried. In public. :) Oh the holidays. Cheers to 2016 and what it will bring.

[Lisa]

I also just realized my due date is 2 days before Momo's first birthday!

[Lisa]

Oh Maya! This post rings true to my heart...and hear I am, after 3 years on "the island", 7 months pregnant with our IVF baby. I still don't know how to feel - sometimes I feel like I'm living in someone else's body, and sometimes I do feel connected to the baby growing inside of me, but really, because of my journey, I don't think I'm going to be able to really connect until he's in my arms. Some may not understand that, but because I have been so guarded for so long, it's hard to let myself just "be". Wishing everyone on IF Island much love, joy, and peace during this holiday season.