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December 23, 2015


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Pamela O

I feel you, Lisa. I try so hard to love and appreciate my body and believe it will happen. But after 3 IVFs resulting in one miscarriage, and only three so-so day-3 embryos left (and little desire to try IVF again, though I'm fine with trying an FET with the last three amigos), it's hard to have much faith. Even if I become pregnant again (with our embryos or donor embryos), it will be with a heavy dose of dread and fear -- and I hate that.

When it comes to the most important event/decision/goal in your life being so precarious, finding that place of accepting what you don't have control over, doing what you can, and hoping for the best is not easy. It's a scar you really can't grasp unless you've been through it. (A friend of mine tried to compare it to male-pattern baldness! I'd a thousand times rather go bald than go through what we've been through.)

But hey, it's a new year, and though we have our moments in the pits, we're pretty strong and stable, and we'll become parents somehow. Here's hoping.

And many, many congrats on your pregnancy. <3


I had a couple meltdowns this last week. Frustration, jealousy, sadness, you name it. I guess I've just masked my true feelings 99% of the time since our 2 IVF fails. I thought I was getting better, and maybe I am, but having my sister home was what did it. She is the person that I can be 100% honest about without sounding totally self-absorbed. It's kinda funny though, because she is 12 years older than me, and was a self-proclaimed "never gonna be a wife, never gonna be a mom" person. She goes to the movies and travels alone (prefers it that way) and yet found herself pregnant at 37. She didn't like being pregnant at all, but her boy (who has Cerebral Palsy and needs her 24/7) is her everything. So she can finally see where my longing for motherhood comes from. Before she was the person looking at me like I was a complete lunatic for wanting to be "tied down". We drank, I cried. In public. :) Oh the holidays. Cheers to 2016 and what it will bring.


I also just realized my due date is 2 days before Momo's first birthday!


Oh Maya! This post rings true to my heart...and hear I am, after 3 years on "the island", 7 months pregnant with our IVF baby. I still don't know how to feel - sometimes I feel like I'm living in someone else's body, and sometimes I do feel connected to the baby growing inside of me, but really, because of my journey, I don't think I'm going to be able to really connect until he's in my arms. Some may not understand that, but because I have been so guarded for so long, it's hard to let myself just "be". Wishing everyone on IF Island much love, joy, and peace during this holiday season.

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