From one Islander to another

Yesterday I went to the ear doctor because I kinda went deaf a while back. It happened when I was about five months P when all of a sudden it felt like I had water in my left ear and everything sounded muffled. I knew that weird things related to mucous and such can happen when P so I ignored it and found myself just saying, "WHAT?" a lot. It got really annoying around 9 months P so I went to my primary care doc who told me some tube was probably blocked and I could try a nasal spray that might not be safe during P. Ummm...no thanks. Cut to yesterday. I was in this ear doctor's office and she was doing some basic tests. I told her the story-- about being P and one day just noticing I couldn't really hear, and I saw her tense up and get...snippy? I know this sounds crazy, but I honestly felt like something came over her that pissed her off when I told her it happened while I was P. And then I just knew she was part of the club. I'd known her for about four minutes but instantly I could sense that she had struggled and still had feelings when people talked about being P. Perhaps I have intuition about these things. So I tested it out. 

As she was getting more seemingly agitated at just the word P, I told her what my primary care doc said about the eustachian tubes being blocked and she said that wasn't it and I said, "that wouldn't be the first time my primary care doc was wrong. He completely missed my obvious fertility problems." And almost instantly I saw her eyebrows soften and her tense jawline relax. She asked me who my RE was and shared who hers was and talked about how after years of fertility treatments she adopted her first child and her sister carried her second child for her. Suddenly we were old friends. Oh, and I have sudden onset hearing loss and possible nerve damage and some problem with the bones in my ears. No fix apparently. No drops or spray, that ear is apparently just done. Anyway. 

I went home moderately depressed about my ear and made an appointment for an in depth hearing test next week, and I thought about the interaction. How did I know she was an IF Island survivor? How did I sense that the word P was upsetting her, even as a medical professional, even as a parent of two children? It's my new Spidey sense perhaps. Of all the superpowers...

It's interesting to be (finally) on the other side of the Island and reflect on the scars, the sensitivities, the traumas, the desire to share and the camaraderie many of us feel towards each other. I never know who I am triggering when I walk down the street with Momo strapped to my chest. I have guilt about that but I also often get lost in her, which makes me feel even more guilty. I also have love and understanding for anyone going through the insanity of it all, and I hope that by connecting and being open I can help one person feel less isolated and more hopeful that the situation at hand can and will change.

Many of us might carry with us some... feelings about all of it. And that's ok. It's about how aware of it we can all be. How kind to ourselves and understanding towards other we can be that matters. 

Comments

[mustaque]

hi
as there were no cleavage of eggs. u could try more!
have u heard abt IMSI?
two more things to remember next time you try icsi, get enough relaxation.
that will help to improve the sperm head and egg quality.
go to bed early . by 9 pm.
no computer or electromagnetic device , tv. mobile after sunset.
avoid fast food but enjoy butter.no margerine .cook with olive oil.
we had a lady last year who had only two eggs on d first attempt. both fertitilized but were 1 day behind on the 5th day. no pregnancy after ET.
she tried two months later again only two eggs. both reached expanded blastocyst stage.

dr mustaque ahmed.
harvest infertility care
dhaka.
she delivered one boy and one girl last month.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for sharing everyone! It's so true. WE join this club not by choice but by force-- we find each other by necessity, and then we always know how to feel another woman's struggle, relate and connect. I see that as an unintended pro to a list full of cons on IF Island.

[C]

Nice post. Sorry about your hearing, what a drag. This has happened to me recently. I had a physical to keep our home study updated (home study required where we do our embryo adoption, I'm OK with that) and noticed when I told the new physician assistant that my pregnancy is from embryo adoption she got flustered. Turns out she has embryos remaining she won't use so I was happy to tell her about embryo donation! Then another day noticed the obgyn sonographer seemed curious about our fertility treatments, and turns out she has stepchildren but her husband had vasectomy and they are considering their options but concerned about IVF cost. Once again I was happy to share about the wonderful option of embryo donation and adoption. If people seem curious I just ask why they want to know and if they or someone close to them have infertility then I share readily and wow, it can remind me what an amazing little movement we are part of, making special babies through embryo adoption! The good thing about years of suffering infertility and failed IVF is it makes you more aware that other people may be suffering something too, and more ready to extend your sympathy.

[Annie]

This is my favorite post you've written. First, I'm sorry about your hearing, Maya! I've been to the ear doctor a few times in my life but it's usually been wax (sorry TMI) that has rendered me partially deaf for days. I hope you get sorted out soon.

It seems that my intuition has sharpened to identify others who have struggled on IF island, too. The other day I was in a foster parent training here in Seattle and when we went around the room giving introductions, I had a sense from some (if they did not state implicitly) who wanted to foster-to-adopt that if they had no current children, they had likely struggled with fertility. I also got pissed off though when about halfway through the room, a woman said she and her husband had a 2 year old and she had just learned that morning that she was pregnant again (whoopee, stranger) and we were the first to know. I don't know her story -- maybe she had struggled with her first ? -- but I still think she was either clueless or totally insensitive to the other people sitting there in the room. A few people later, someone said they had secondary infertility and I also mentioned IF when it was my turn.

Sending a hug. Thank you for blogging!

[Lisa (@AmateurNester)]

Wow, that really sucks about your ear. So sorry to hear that. I definitely feel like I've developed an IF radar. (And also a radar for older women who may or may not struggle with IF, but don't know because they've never met the right person to try with).

[Lindsay]

Great post. Been awhile since I've written on here but I'm still reading. :)I think infertility moms are so tuned in to that kind of stuff - mothers who haven't struggled to conceive might likely have been oblivious to what caused the change in that doctor's temperament but you could sense it.
That's kind of why I've been open with people about my journey. I want them to know they can reach out to me. I have a neighbor who is going through her first IVF cycle right now. She'd confided in me when I was pregnant that they were looking into fertility clinics and of course I shared with her what we went through to get to that point. I was walking my daughter through the neighborhood in her wagon last weekend and that neighbor must've seen me - she rushed out of the house to tell me that she had started her shots and we chatted about the process for awhile. I think it gave her so much hope to see me at that time, since I've been through it; and to see my daughter at that moment as a real-life possibility of what can be.

[Jojo]

I so feel like I can sense it too. I am perhaps a bit too open in hopes I can reach someone who is struggling quietly. Sorry about your ear- hope it doesn't impact your life to much. Thank you for always being here for all of us.