Casting a Wide Net or putting one foot in front of the other?

I remember when Noah and I started our "journey," a friend of mine (who was on IF Island for years and ended up adopting one child and having a surrogate and egg donor for her second) gave me one piece of advice: pursue everything at the same time. Sign up for adoption. Put a deposit down for a surrogate. Find your three favorite egg donors and figure out their cycle times. And, of course, keep doing IVF. And then try naturally because you'll definitely be in the mood between paperwork and shots and donor websites. My head was going to explode. And so would our wallets, had we even tried to entertain the idea. There was NO WAY. My my friend was able to do this (she also had some insurance coverage and lived in a state that mandated coverage) and when her IVFs proved unsuccessful and a miraculous adoption opportunity fell into her lap, she was already prepared. She had lawyers and an agency and was able to adopt her son within a few weeks. Had she not been going down several paths at once, maybe it wouldn't have turned out the way it did. Who knows. 

There actually was a moment where Noah and I were thinking about starting the adoption process while doing treatments but it was just too costly and time consuming. So we went down one road at a time. And when we hit a dead end, we backed up and tried another. It probably took us more time, perhaps, but that's just how it worked out. 

People sometimes ask me if they should pursue several avenues to a family at the same time, and I don't really know how to answer that. Yes. Maybe. If you can. Cast your net wide. Be open and curious and receptive. Up your chances and know the different roads you have in front of you so if you hit a dead end you don't have to drive in circles to find another road. If you have the means, the time, and the energy, maybe this is a good strategy. Not too many people can afford to do this. Most of us regular folk have to make choices, and sometimes it is in those choices that we are led down a certain path to a certain baby. 

Putting one foot in front of the other one step at a time forces you to slow down. It's terrible, because everything on IF Island feels so F-ing slow, but it also can sometimes be necessary. Noah called it 'coming up for air,' which I hated. Those stagnant, slow moments of feeling my face smashed up against that dead end made me wish we could just jump into another vehicle onto another road--but we couldn't. And we didn't. And that was our journey. Easy for me to say now, right? 

I guess I'm kind of throwing this idea out there. Should people cast a wide net if they can or take it all one step at a time? There's no right or wrong, just things to think about. Thoughts?

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for all these thoughtful comments. And you guys are right. When we went to look into adoptions, they ask that you stop fertility treatments for that exact reason-- to be able to grieve the loss, to close one door completely and then gather momentum and excitement about the possibilities behind another door. But I do know many people that don't do this, or continue to try naturally, because I think what is so hard is that you never know what is going to work when. There are many ways to look at the process and the way in which we each go through the process. No right or wrong, just what's right for each individual perhaps.

[Maryann]

We were ready to try anything and everything. It started with "investigations" of all available options...we made a graph showing all the options, their pros and cons. It all depends on a couple and how open they are for "the options". In our case, considering our age, miscarriage, chemical pregnancy, failed IUI''s and IVF' s, we just simply "resigned from our genes"...as the desire to be parents was so strong, that we just knew, that if God blesses us with a child, whichever way he/she comes to us, that we will be truly blessed and this is how we got donated embryos.

[Ashley]

Many adoption agencies require prospective adoptive families to cease fertility treatments before pursuing adoption. As D said in another comment, part of the process is grieving the loss of a biological child, which is not possible if pursuing multiple avenues at the same time.

[KitKat]

Remember that what is right for one person or couple might not fit another. The time each person needs to digest the cr*p that is thrown at you is unique during this journey. Talk to others that have been through a similar difficult experience but at the end of the day what truly matters is what feels right to you and your partner and your family and friends might not like it but that's too bad.

The choices available to you now were likely never considered at the beginning of your journey. Take the time to work through them. In my experience sometimes an option you thought was closed is no longer and although you feel like you are trying it all over again it just might turn out differently. There are no rules to this journey.

Do what works for you and feels like the right choice now. Change doctors, protocols, investigate other options... It's only you and your partner that truly understand this hellish journey and have the biggest stakes to loose. Not even the closest family or friends are there for every medical procedure, every disappointing phone call, all the false starts, tear filled days and the feelings of despair. Trust yourself and your partner, even if you aren't both always on the same page.. Things take take time to digest but you'll get there. It does get better, maybe not right now but it will.

[D]

The idea of trying multiple avenues at the same time seems to me to contradict the common wisdom I've heard that, for example, you need to spend some time mourning the loss of the genetic connection and coming to terms with it before you should proceed with donor eggs/sperm. Similarly, I've heard stories of people trying to adopt while also TTCing and being told by agencies that they aren't qualified to adopt unless they've given up/stopped and come to terms with not TTCing. Those might be old stories, though, maybe from my parents' friends who were trying to adopt a generation ago.

[Jojo]

I think in the early stages one foot in front of the other makes sense. There is still hope and optimism that IUI and IVF can work. I think once you are in the holy crap we need to get creative phase and have been able to accept that your road to baby might be unconventional a wide net is a good plan. Just my two cents!