I wish I would have known...

That everything would be ok.

I wish I would have known that one day instead of waking up early to juice up on hormone injections I'd be up at 4am trying to convince a 10-month old that it's still time to sleep.

Ten months old today. As wrecked as I feel (and look) sometimes, everything is finally in it's right place. For now. I wish over the years of struggle I would have known a right place existed and that the boxes of syringes, the insane schedules of doctor appointments, the fear that nothing would ever work just wouldn't matter any more. I mean, it matters. It all matters. But what matters more is Momo and what she eats and how she sleeps and how she dances when I clap and sing. 

It was really hard to see any of the light, any way out, when we were in the trenches. But I wish I could have.

A short little reminder post today that light exists. It might just be a speck in the distance-- at the far far end of a super twisted dark tunnel. But it's there. 

Wishing everyone lots of love and light. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Kelly--
I'm so sorry for your struggles. It is a really hard and lonely place. You have a lot of warrior sisters out here-- people who can understand you. It's so confusing. I'm sending so much love to your healing heart. And I hope a path towards your baby starts to unfold and reveal itself to you soon. m

[Kelly]

Hello, I have been following your story from the start. You story is beautiful and you must give so many women/couples strength and courage that there is light , so much of it beyond our own genes.
Husband and I have spent the last 2 years doing endless fertility treatments. Surgeries, iui's , 6 Ivf cycles . December we decided to stop treatment.. It was an agonizing decision but we had spent all our money , our hearts were broken and we were just depleted. I am in the middle of grieving .
Faced with the alternative ways .. We still have not made up our mind yet which way to go. I have felt so isolated. What I wouldn't give to sit and have tea with some women who have gone or are going through the same . I am lonely . I am heartbroken. I read about you and your darling daughter and think that one day.. One day soon we might feel that miraculous joy .Thank you for writing and being so honest about your journey x

[Amy]

Thanks for this post, it's really helped me at the right time. We're currently going through an FET that we've had to extend due to an unresponsive lining. Sometimes it's hard to remember that light is there...but it is there xo

[Heather]

Today, I just found out that I am pregnant! I was on IF island for a while, and we ultimately opted for a donated embryo. It feels unreal, but I am so excited to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[Pamela O]

Thanks for your wonderful blog. We're heading into Year 3 of trying to conceive. Hoping this'll be our year.

Happiest of new years to you and your lovely family!

[Jojo]

Beautiful