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January 13, 2016

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Don't Count Your Eggs

Thank you all for sharing. I think all these feelings are so normal and so hard sometimes. Jojo, six cycles? Ugh. I wish you so much luck. You're truly a warrior.

C

Finally having success with ivf (thanks to embryo adoption) erased a lot of the bitterness. Plus I've been there, I have to remind myself, I got pregnant with our daughter on the first try! (Secondary infertility, male factor, poor ivf response.) I saw a woman today who has two and has been trying for four months for a third when the first two came easily and she was clearly worried. Before finally being pregnant again (29 weeks!), when suffering failed IVFs, I would have really disliked what she said. Four months, give me a break. But I'm better able now to try to understand that it's a big deal for her. Better able to understand first because secondary infertility taught me to stop judging and second because we are so happy now to be expecting again. Definitely nice to be in the club again, the great equalizer indeed, and yet I have this secret most don't know about how we got this special baby, and I have the great pain of what we have been through - something no one can imagine without going through it - to make our joy that much more profound.

Jenny

I feel you! This post resonated with me. I was in a centering group during my pregnancy and could almost forget that I wasn't one of the girls. Until everyone started talking about birth control. Or how long it took them to get pregnant ("4 whole months!") It wasn't until after we had our babies that I was driven/compelled to tell them that not only was my pregnancy and postpartum time a struggle but that conception took years of treatments and IVF. Every time I hear of someone pregnant with their 2nd I feel the old awful jealous feelings. How lucky for them to be able to just have old fashioned sex to make a baby whereas I have to juggle all this emotional/financial crap to even begin to think about a 2nd. I'm amazed that the pain is still there and probably always will be to some degree. Thank you for an amazing, honest and inspiring blog.

Maryann

Painfully and with shame I must admit feeling jealous when hearing those announcements. Not when the announcement comes from someone who struggled and succeeded, but when it comes from those ignorant, fertile one, who don't even acknowledge that for some out there it is not that easy. In my experience those announcement always came in least delicate way "Oh we didn't even try it just happened, he just looked at me and I get pregnant", while the audience had women who struggled with infertility. It caused me to withdraw from
friends and family, as those feelings were so painful. I felt ashamed for feeling this way. It was very isolating feeling. Now, when pregnant with donated embryo after years of struggle, I realize that infertility indeed divided me from the rest of the lucky fertile ones. Even now, I feel more drawn to those who still suffer and struggle and feel strong about wanting to help them somehow. I think that if infertility topic would be more discussed on tv, social media etc. there would be more awareness to general public and it wouldn't be that isolating and shameful. When I miscarried a friend of mine suggested that maybe I did something to cause the miscarriage. And this is not isolating incident of such ignorance.

jen

I so wish I didn't feel jealous when I hear these stories, but I do. I know my feelings shouldn't be jealousy, I didn't have primary infertility and am now pregnant after an emotional battle with secondary infertility. What gives me the right to feel jealous? Yet the feeling is there and I can't say it isn't. When I was still struggling, it was obviously much worse. A pregnancy announcement on facebook from someone who had just had a baby would leave me upset for days. Now its momentary, but its still there. I can't explain what it is, other than just sheer jealousy that it was so easy, even if it was unintentional and I wouldn't want to be in their shoes anyhow. I try to not feel guilty for my jealousy any more and just say "yes, this is what you are feeling and its ok, but don't dwell on it." I remind myself that they don't have my wonderful daughter and that I'm so excited and blessed to have this second daughter on the way that I love with every part of my being. I also remind myself that I don't know what their life journey will be. It may seem like some people always get the easy road, but you never know what roads they may have to travel years down the road. Unfailthful spouse, job loss, or worse things that I won't even mention. Not that I want anything bad to happen to anyone! I certainly don't, but it helps me to see that I'm not seeing the whole picture and my feelings of jealousy are totally unwarranted. I keep wondering if and when I won't feel that way, but every time I see a fertile couple announce a pregnancy, its there. Its not their fault they are fertile and I'm not mad at them, its just jealous and it passes. I'm always happy for them too. Sometimes I admit I might think "have fun with 2 under 2!" and smile to myself to make myself feel a bit better but I honestly do with them well. This journey has forever changed me and it took me so long to get to a place where I can say I'm thankful for the changes in me, I can. I appreciate little things so much more than I ever knew I could.

Jojo

My miracle IVF boy is almost 2 and I am six failed ivf cycles into trying to give him a sibling. I think because I am actively still immersed in the IF world, I still have some of the same feelings when a pregnancy is announced. Although, now that I am one of the truly fortunate to have my son, the pain and twinge of envy is far far less. If I am being honest, I feel nothing but joy if I know the person has struggled with RPL or IF, I feel mostly joy and a tad jealous if it is a nice and compassionate fertile friend, and I feel a deep pange of unfairness and frustration of it is a flippantly fertile and un- empathetic friend. I wonder if these feelings will pass once I am really on the other side and not going through treatments. I honestly think I will always feel a little bit of pain for the women who have no child and are fighting hard for one. I am glad your feelings are all neutral- I would even settle for that. Xo

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