Seeing the Whole Journey

So I realized Noah and I both wrote a few posts that somehow didn't publish correctly and are somewhere floating in cyberspace. Noah's pretty peeved. I can hardly remember what I wrote about but I swear we haven't been so negligent to have only posted once last month...though...it kinda looks like that's exactly what happened. Apologies and promises to keep up better this month. Part of the reason why I think our posts didn't make the page is because both of our computers died... because we have been overworking them...because we have been working on our documentary... which is almost DONE! Our computers are over it. I'm going to post our new trailer and start dishing out some new scenes as soon as Noah gives me the ok. And the files because I have no idea how any of this works. 

Anyway, one thing I've found to be both therapeutic and eye opening has been the editing process. While I'm not doing any of the heavy lifting here, obviously, I do watch cuts and discuss choices the editor has made and weigh in on it all. It's hard when big events, or things that felt really big get cut because "it doesn't pan out." Or it's a minor blip in our journey. One scene we lost was a scene from Thanksgiving day a few years ago, where we thought everything was falling apart. And it was. And it did. It was such a seemingly huge moment for us. I was sick, literally sick to my stomach that my follicles weren't growing and ended up driving to Palm Springs hysterically crying the entire way and then threw up and went to sleep. And now that scene was on the chopping block and no one really bat an eyelash. But me. The IUIs we did have been shaved down to a 30 second montage. They were MONTHS of our lives, TONS of medication (I was on 8 vials of Menopur a day!) and of course the repeated torture of the 2WW. A 30. second. montage. But we needed to whittle 200 hours of footage over about four years down to under 90 minutes. So some things had to go.

What it made me realize is that everything that felt so important, so dire, so intense at the time ended up not being so in retrospect. But only in retrospect. Had I been able to see the big picture, to keep perspective, to see all that we did as steps on our journey to her, to our Momo, then maybe each event wouldn't have felt so life or death. But it did. It just really did. 

Being able to take a step back and watch all this has been such an interesting process. For both of us. Maybe I'll give Noah another shot at a Hubs post, though I think he's stilled pretty unhappy about his lost post from last week. For me, it has given me some space and distance and the ability to smile at what we did to find this baby. And now we can let go of some of these things, these procedures (OMG I'm almost laughing at how I thought the HSG I did was the worst thing that's ever happened to me), these scars because we can see the gestalt of it all. 

I wish that for everyone on the Island who feels like they're drowning in heartbreak. I wish we could all pull back and believe that even in moments of despair and so-called "failure," that things will eventually be ok. They have to be. When you're at the bottom, the only way to go is up. Hopefully. Sending lots of love. 

Comments

[Larry Grobel]

All I can say, having been on this journey as long as Maya and Noah have, is that 90 minutes isn't enough to fully capture the agony, the struggles, and the incredible bravery and sheer will to keep moving forward, the never-say-never approach to life that is so inspiring and that everyone who is on their own journey toward fulfillment is demonstrating. But I've seen how this documentary has come together and it is a remarkable document. Very proud of the filmmakers. And of my daughter and soninlaw. And for us, as now grandparents, we get to reap what they have sown. Thank you for never, ever, giving up.

[Laura]

So good to have you back!

Everyone said to me when you get that BFP you forget about how long it took to get it. For us, it's still there in the back of our minds. Maybe someday it will seem like a 30 second blip but I understand how you feel looking at the footage and realize it's truly so much more.