What's the big deal of waiting another month?

I have a friend who is gearing up for IVF for number 2. Her baby is just over a year now, but it took several rounds and was literally the very last kinda wonky embryo they put in that took and became a perfect, beautiful healthy baby. Her diagnosis is "mushy eggs," as in they don't really know why she makes a lot of eggs but very few embryos. Maybe there is a sperm issue, maybe not. Different doctors say different things and at the end of the day she has more questions than answers, but if she wants to expand her family she's got to pull the trigger now. The clock is always ticking.

So she was supposed to start this week. She cleared a shelf in her house for the boxes of meds, and cleared space in her brain to process and accept and understand that this-- all that THIS entails-- was something she was going to TRY in hopes of another kid. Once you've been out of the game for a bit, I would imagine it might be hard to jump back in. The schedule, the appointments, the shots, the crossing of fingers and toes, the waiting...waiting...waiting. The cost, the hormones...maybe I should just stop now. But she had a great attitude. This was just something she has to do, let's just do it! 

When the time came earlier this week for her starting appointment, her doctor happened to be out of town. The nursing staff felt borderline incompetent and suddenly things just got weird. She didn't want to see another doc who she'd never met but she also didn't want to wait another month. What's one more month right? That's what I said. Lil ole incentive me. Another month is not what she had prepared for, and while nothing on IF Island is what we prepare for, the pushing back another month just felt really disappointing. Like she'd have to stare at that empty shelf and continue to wonder and question if this was going to work. It's somehow easier to be in something-- active. By doing shots and being monitored it feels like you're moving forward. Another month feels stagnant. 

I felt frustrated for her, but I also can't fathom doing an IVF round. Ever. Again. I can't fathom another needle to the rear, though I know that is probably in my not so distant future. But even harder I can't fathom the mind fuck that is infertility treatments. Hoping. Waiting. Wondering. Accepting. Letting go. Moving on. Being sad. Being happy. It's all so hard. 

I'm sending love to anyone deep in it. Like my dad said in his very sweet comment the other day, we are all happy that I didn't give up, but man it's rough. Take care of yourself. Take care of your partner. Take care of your heart. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for your comments everyone! Kate congrats and good luck! You found your baby! It's incredible to think of it all like that and it's true. When you go through a "journey," there is a sense of the universe coming together in a way. We feel the same way.

Thanks for sharing Rachel!! Will check it out.

Kelly-- you've been through so much-- so much loss. I'm glad you got some time off to enjoy life but I totally understand the...anticipation or whatever of just wanting to get started. I wish you all the luck in the world this summer. Keep us all posted.

C-- what a crazy ride.. but any day now it will all feel like a blur. Keep your eye on the prize and think only good things. I hope your birth is a piece of cake.

sending everyone so much love.
M

[Kate]

Hi Maya,
I do not know if you remember me from the emails while back. I wanted to say that your blog continues to help me everyday. We add another years into our journey. After 6 IVFs, 13 transfers and even after egg donor/sperm donor cycle we had to give up and look for other option. We are currently during the adoption process and only a few weeks (maybe months) away from our precious call. That our baby was found and is waiting for us. You helped me keep my sanity in tact. I sailed away from the island few months ago and I am starting to feel like myself again. Happily waiting for new member of our family, being sure that it will end well.
You also helped me numerous times to explain others how difficult it all was. Recently, you helped me yesterday to explain our journey.
Thank you, I am so happy for your happy ending Maya!
Best regards from Poland,
Kate

[Rachel]

I am such a fan of your blog and I think you are doing such great week! You're a really wonderful writer. I am going through my own fertility journey and have been inspired by women like you to start my own blog. I would love for you to check it out! www.fiercefertility.com

Thanks so much!

[Kelly]

Thank you for your complete honesty. Infertility and the treatments IS a complete mind fuck, there is no better way to explain it. I posted a long time ago after my last IVF cycle. I had a positive result which ended very suddenly a few days later. You then posted the 5 stages of grief post after my comments to you. I had lost my mum, step dad and the hope of being a parent all in the space of 6 months. I told you it was over for me and that was it. But now here I am after having over a year off all things ttc & IVF and travelling the world with my husband we will be starting it all over again in July. The worst part of this for me right now? Having to wait until July. It feels like an age away, yet realistically it isn't. But like your friend it is easier to be involved in it and dealing with the crappy hormones and apts rather than just waiting around. Plue the sooner I start the sooner I hopefully get the long awaited sticky bean.

[C]

It is such a psychological toll and when you already have a child to care for it can be too much! The cycle when I ovulated "through" the ganerelix a couple of days before the expected egg retrieval was just as hard as the failed transfers of three embryos. And the cancelled cycles for poor response etc etc. Since we already had a child we couldn't keep putting her through trying and failing at iVF so we chose open embryo adoption with "quality" embryos from an egg donor. Even then we lost two of three transferred. (ESET did not implant and then lost a twin early on.) However I am 37 weeks with our adopted embryo and this has been a totally uncomplicated pregnancy, like my first natural one! I haven't had an ultrasound in months, like a normal and healthy pregnant woman, and have been followed by a midwife like before. It's been a real mental feat not to get anxious about things- cord wrapped around neck? Low fluid? - because after the hell we went through you always wonder if there is still sadness in store. Can happiness really be on the way again? We are hoping God is working for our good!