Managing Anxiety on IF Island and Beyond-- no easy task!

This month is National Infertility Awareness Week, so I'm going to do my best to keep up better with the blog here. One of the reasons I started this blog was to raise awareness and build community and help connect to fellow Islanders who often feel very isolated. I've been getting emails lately from people who are literally stranded on the Island. And all I can really say to them is it sucks. It really, really sucks. One of the worst feelings in the world, for me at least, is to feel lost.

I was very lost on IF Island, not knowing how we were going to get/make/have a baby. I still feel lost a lot with this whole parenting thing. I also feel actually lost quite often, like every time I park in Santa Monica at one of those parking lots where there are like ten lots that all look the same and I forget where I'm parked and end up traipsing multiple parking lots in a panic. In my mind I know I'm going to find my car. I know I'm going to figure it out and get home and be safe. But in the moment of feeling lost and confused and mad at myself and mad at the parking lot, I can hardly think and just want to cry. That's the panic of feeling there is no way out.

Now, did I seriously just compare IF Island to not being able to find my car? Yes. Kinda. Only in that when we don't know what's happening or we can't seem to find our way, we often default to panic mode. Fear can be an overwhelming emotion, but it's also a natural instinct. Fear is what helped us escape from wild beasts who wanted to eat us many moons ago. Fear drives us to figure things out, but it can also be debilitating. 

I had many moments of fear during the years we spent "trying" to build our family. Sometimes that fear (distrust, anxiety, whatever you want to call it) drove me to action. It helped me research and get answers and ask questions. But sometimes it completely paralyzed me and overwhelmed my system. The key is getting in touch with where you are at in a given moment, and to respond accordingly. When anxiety is a driving force, get out of my way I'm on a mission. When anxiety is debilitating, I need to take a few deep breaths and focus on managing that feeling better in order to think and act clearly. 

As a newish parent, I find moments of that fear creeping back in. It's normal, all of these feelings are very normal, but the question I often ask is is it helpful? Being a little fearful of germs helps me stay vigilant about washing Momo's hands and keeping her away from snot nosed kids. Being obsessed with germs turns us agoraphobic. The other day Momo fell on her face. She scraped her nose and it was bleeding and while I was calm in the moment, I also felt flushed with this overwhelming fear that I don't know where the nearest urgent care is, and then I started to worry about her drowning.  It was a really interesting though train I had and I realized that fear really breeds fear. When we are anxious about one thing it often is contagious and we start to build up our list of worries. 

There is a lot to worry about with parenting an infant and infertility. There are a lot of 'what-ifs' and a lot of unknowns and a lot of things we cannot predict or have control over. The best we can do is stay present and focused. To be mindful and understand our feelings and where they are coming from, and to reality check ourselves. Are germs really floating through the air and attacking Momo's face? (Seriously, sometimes I really think I can see them.) Are none of my follicles going to grow or am I just worried about that? 

It's all hard, so being kind to ourselves along the journey is important. Finding a way to meditate or ask ourselves if something real or if it is our anxiety talking, might help us stay with what is in a given moment.  That's all we've got in the end.

Wishing everyone struggling with fears on IF Island and beyond moments of calm and mental peace. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

CONGRATS MARYANN and happy mother's day!

[Maryann]

Dear Maya; thank you for this post. After years of infertility, million questions and uncertainty we are so blessed to welcome our daughter into this world via embryo donation. We couldn't be more in love and she is couldn't be more ours!