Donor conception isn't for everyone, and that's okay

I've written a lot about how strongly I feel that Momo was 100% meant to be ours. I don't think about genetics. I don't question our decision ever, and I feel luckier and luckier every day. We hit the baby jackpot. No Doubt. But coming to this point didn't happen over night (well it kinda did the moment we laid eyes on her I guess, but the decisions happened well before that moment), and I think it's important to note that feeling okay about third party reproduction/donor conception or adoption isn't for everyone, and that's okay.

The infamous "journey to parenthood" is one that none of us choose to be on. We kind of find ourselves plopped at this crossroad with a road map written in sanskrit. We look at the few roads in front of us and usually choose the one that seems the least scary. At the end on one road sometimes comes another few choices. Sometimes there are less choices, sometimes you become more open to different options and there are more choices. But the most important thing, I think, is knowing what you are truly okay with in your heart. 

I say that because at a certain point the decisions we all make are no longer just about us, they are about the child we are working to create. After I wrote that piece for the NYT Motherlode blog on embryo donation, I got  a lot of heat from commenters who basically were saying what I was doing wasn't fair to my child etc. I brush ignorance like that off most of the time, but recently this topic came up for me again in conversation and what I truly feel is what I always say-- whatever...stuff Momo has to work out about her origin story, Noah and I will be there to help her navigate. But the reason I feel so confident about this is because I know Noah and I are both 100% comfortable and proud about how she came to us. And I think that is the key. If Noah was still struggling with letting go of his genetic contribution, or if we thought the whole thing was strange or something then perhaps this would all be very different.  That's why it is so important to really know yourself and work through whatever feelings you might have, or accept that certain options just aren't for you and then move to explore the ones that are. That's the only way to be fair to yourself and to the child you hope to create.

I think a lot of this stuff has to do with how a donor conceived child or a child born via surrogate or an adopted child is seen, heard and parented. And that it is our responsibility to make sure we are solid with our feelings. Any child who is conceived in alternative ways will always know they were so wanted and so fought for and ultimately so loved, as long as that is how the parents truly feel.  Momo turned 14 months today. My parents were here earlier and she was thrilled to show them her new tutu and how coordinated she is wandering the house with a bucket on her head. She is so loved. So seen. And so heard. And we are so thankful.

Sending love this weekend. M

Comments

[Heather]

Thanks, C and Maya! I appreciate hearing C's experience and I'm so happy to hear your journey to parenthood is alive and real. The blood levels have been good, so the ultrasound is next - will keep you posted!

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

C! 8 Weeks! Congrats. And Heather, yes...so much luck. Sorry my response is so delayed. Please keep us posted. WE're rooting for you/

[C]

Thank you for another good post. For us, embryo adoption was more steeped in love than using an egg donor. Heather, good luck to you, I hope this is it. A year ago we booked a last minute Memorial Day weekend vacation to get away after learning our first adopted embryo did not implant. It was more terrible news after years of the same and we were incredibly sad. Now we have a beautiful 8 week old baby after the second adopted embryo transfer, and we and our daughter are so happy. We went through so much. Heather, I hope your painful journey can end happily too.

[Heather]

Thank you for yet another inspiring post! We are on Day 2 after a donated embryo transfer and so grateful for the chance to create our family this way. Yes, there has been grieving for what we have "lost." And a fair amount of beating myself up about the "what ifs." And we looked at all other options, but this one felt right. We have a therapist helping us learn who we want to tell and when, as well as how to be open with our child. It helps to have the extra support and know there are others out there. Wish us luck! This is our second try after the first embryo miscarried.