Creating your narrative with the help of space and time

We showed the film to some friends and family this past weekend and I've been amazed at how... strange time feels. How can I articulate that better? 

I guess it's kind of like when you're in something bad it feels all consuming. You drown in it and can't see straight. Trying to figure out the puzzle of how to make a baby with limited resources and no guarantees feels like insanity. And the cyclical nature of all of it, of the waiting and the periods and the starting injections--- it often feels like you're chasing your tail and not really moving anywhere but in a circle. And then suddenly the whole dance becomes a moment in time. A chunk of life space on a time line that's a lot longer than initially imagined. Four plus years feels and sounds like a long time but now I can watch those years in 90 min. And I can go back to feeling the intensity of it all but that feeling is no longer my daily reality. Some things we have on film I barely remember. Or I watch and I see how negative or hostile I am and realize wow, I was really in a bad place. For a long time. But now that chapter is complete and I feel really proud of our film and can't wait to share it with others. I think it normalizes some of this stuff that feels far from normal. 

 

But I think time is an important concept to think about, and I think it really helps to think about when you're in a rough time. I vividly remember my friend Lisa (who has two teenagers, on via adoption, one via egg donor and surrogate) telling me one day I won't even remember much of this. One day it will feel like forever ago. One day. It was hard to believe at the time. And I do remember a lot, but it's memory now rather than my present. And for that I'm grateful.

 

Momo is almost 15 months old. For that I'm even more grateful. And the newborn phase that feels so scary and intense and anxiety provoking is now memory too. It's been the fastest slowest year ever. 

 

After the screening, a friend of mine, who is also in the film sharing her story, said something to me about how hard it must be to re-live our journey every time we watch it. But I don't feel that way at all, and I guess that too is a result of time and space and being able to construct your own narrative. When we can retell our story we can own it, sculpt it in a way that allows it to be integrated into our lives and selves, and share it how we want to share it. There's power in that.  

 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks Ladies! Noah and I are trying to figure out that part-- how to get it out there. Will let you know as soon as we can!

[Maryann]

Can't wait to see it! Your blog has been life saver for me and I am forever grateful.
We need more openness about infertility issues in the media so maybe people who go through the heartbreaks will not feel so alone and stigmatized.
Thank you Maya for great work!

[A Few Good Eggs]

Maya, cannot wait to see the documentary. Will it be available to view online or will there be screenings?

[Jojo]

I am so looking forward to the documentary. Thank you for all your hard work on it! Xo