On Monday Noah and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary (we were together for 8 years before we got married so it's really been quite some time in my humble opinion). We got take out sushi and ate dinner at 6pm in pajamas. I couldn't have asked for anything more. Each year we write each other a card, and for the past several years we noticed that that card has started with something about how tough the year has been. It made me really think a lot about relationship survival on IF Island and how many of us often have a specific path we envision for our lives once we meet our better half. Many of us connect to our partners and have fantasies about jobs and homes and travels and family, that feel like they can become reality once we've got our partner in crime. We can imagine our children as a mash up of each of our best traits, and we can see the possibility of how it will all unfold. I guess one thing Noah and I have learned that is perhaps one of the most important aspects of relationship survival on the Island is the ability to revise the fantasy as a team based on what reality presents. No easy feat. It's normal to push against what the universe dishes out when you don't like it. It's normal to desperately want to stick to the script (nooooo!!! our baby HAS to have dada's perfect nose!). It's normal to feel...pissed off or sad, and it's normal to feel differently from your sig fig about how to turn the fantasy into a reality that you can each accept. But there also comes a point in time on the infamous "journey to parenthood" where you each kind of have to wipe the slate clean and look at what's in front of you while letting go of what's behind. I think our ability to do that, though I'll admit it was tough at times for sure, really saved our marriage, and for that I'm so grateful.
That was Monday. Tuesday (was that only yesterday?) was kind of intense. Noah got hurt at the gym and after an entire day in the ER he ended up having to get his lip sewn back together. I won't go into details but it was pretty bad and he's pretty banged up. Before I knew the severity of the situation I was like, "seriously?" but then realized this was one of those times we just had to deal with what is and be thankful things weren't worse I suppose.
When big things happen in our lives, whether big things that seem to go on forever or big things that happen in a split second, we have choices in how we deal. It took me a decent amount of time to know how to deal with being stranded on IF Island for years and I don't think I always handled myself that well but I did the best I could. Yesterday as Momo was having an overtired meltdown outside the ER and Noah was being sent to some other department because none of the ER doctors felt comfortable stiching his lip because it was pretty literally hanging apart in three places, I tried my best to be present and not freak out about what might happen or dwell on the frustration Noah and I both felt that this happened. We just teamed up and moved forward together the best we could. We've had a lot of practice in doing that. Another (positive?) unintended consequence of infertility.
Thank you so much for starting this blog, you have no idea how you saved me today. I had just come back from a baseline ultrasound after finding out I have a cyst that put the brakes on our cycle. I was feeling distraught, crying non-stop and just miserable. I googled cyst and IVF and I was so lucky to have found your blog! You wrote a post in 13 or 14 where you said you knew you needed to help other women, if there was anything that were to come out of this and you did it. You helped me.
Thank you.
Posted by: Alexis | July 11, 2016 at 01:11 PM
Yep, the way my husband handles things -- and you all know, these things are way beyond "not easy" -- makes me love him that much more.
And then we hit a deer with our car 1400 miles from home just before my FET was supposed to start. Delay, expense, stress at an already-stressful time. But we figured it all out as calmly as we could (ended up being only a two-day delay to patch it up, plus the time the car's been in the shop back home). And then my FET was delayed anyway, so that kinda worked out? Plus the airport in Istanbul was just bombed (the one I flew in and will fly out of).
It's all a journey, and even people who have kids no sweat have their own unexpected events.
IF is like boot camp, man. We learn to soldier on.
Posted by: Pamela O | June 30, 2016 at 07:29 AM
Both my husband and I have grown so much closer during our journeys on IF island. When trying to find something to be grateful in all of this, we always come back to the strength of our relationship. Hope your hubby's healing goes well!
Posted by: Heather | June 29, 2016 at 10:40 PM
So true, infertility makes you stronger. You can handle anything now
Posted by: C | June 29, 2016 at 11:50 AM