What would we have done if embryo donation didn't work?

Honestly, I don't know.

I know a lot of different people at different places with their family building. I know people (many who we interviewed for our film) who have teenagers via adoption or surrogacy or egg donation or IVF, who look back and hardly remember the details of the struggle to find their family. And I also know people on the polar opposite end, those just starting to figure things out or those whose plans are currently falling apart and they're standing there going, "now what?" And then there is everyone in-between, right? 

Last night I asked Noah what he thinks we would have done if Momo didn't work. I think about that sometimes as I meet more people who are getting to the end of their line of options. We were at the end and we got lucky. But what if we didn't?

 

Noah's answer was that one thing he has really learned from the whole experience is not to ask what if. He said "it is or it isn't and that's it."  Yeah. But what if it wasn't, if she wasn't? He said he can't imagine it. I can't either. But if the first embryo donation round didn't work we planned on one more. But of that didn't work.... We would probably have pursued adoption. But we don't know. There's a constant shift in perspective that happens with all this. A constant redefining of the self and of expectations and of what's important.

 

I vividly remember the day I went to the ER when I was maybe three months P with Momo and I started profusely bleeding at work. I already had so many problems and bleeding and the pain I felt in the privates and the amount of gushing red blood made me feel like this was it. I walked to the ER with my very good friend (and some woman who worked at the front desk, which was super weird) and we were silent. I was praying to whoever would listen but I had an overwhelming feeling that if I was miscarrying this was it. I couldn't fathom having anything more in me to keep going. When we saw Momo dancing away with a strong heartbeat I was so relieved. I was also really emotionally exhausted. This kind of pursuit for a baby, this effort is totally exhausting, and while I told myself I would have been done, chances are I wouldn't have been. I would have found a way to put the pieces of myself back together and keep searching. But I'm so grateful every day that I didn't have to do that, yet again. And really feel for anyone in that process right now. 

 

But I also wonder if maybe that would have been the end of the line for me? Maybe I would have spent my efforts rebuilding myself and redefining my life in a way I never imagined. I guess I'll never know. I also think that how we might feel one day, when it's all so raw, might be really different the next day, and that's the beauty of feelings. They change. And the beauty of plans. They change. And the beauty of life. It changes. 

Comments

[A.]

Hello again! I've been wondering (to whomever would like to respond) - as a parent of a child who was a donated embryo, how did you decide whom to tell? This is such a complex issue.

[Stephanie]

Embryo donation is great and a pretty ideal way to fight infertility. But embryo donation is not the only fertility treatment option that is available today. Depending on various factors such as age, fallopian tube blockage, ectopic pregnancy, severe uterine anomalies, and presence of the anti sperm antibodies that could cause infertility, embryo donation can be a remedy. However some of these causes can also be treated by other ideal options such as egg donation, IVF, and gestational Surrogacy among others. Any person who faces infertility should try talking to their doctor to give them their options in case the one they are gunning for doesn’t work out! I have treated many patients with a number of options that we didn’t quite begin from in my San Diego IVF dispensary.