Wondering and Worrying along the donated embryo trail

In the past week, a few people have asked me about when we are, if we are, planning on going back for that second embryo. Remember Momo was one of two embryos donated by a couple-- she was created by the husband of that couple and an egg donor. So there is one more full genetic match in a freezer in Seattle.

So Noah and I are no where near ready to saddle up and try this again. We aren't ready to to be pregnant or to have a newborn, and we aren't ready to find out that our one shot at a genetic sib didn't work. Those are the only two options in the given scenario.  But the inquiries I got this past week made me think about contacting the clinic to make sure the embryo is still there. Not that it would have walked away, but...

After we found out the transfer worked, I immediately asked that the clinic hold the sibling embryo for us. I asked if they needed anything and the response was that our name would be on it! Great! But I guess having no contact with the clinic for over a year made me start to worry a bit, so I wrote an email to to donor coordinator today and for some reason getting an email back from her made my anxiety spike. I've spent the better part of today feeling uneasy and I've been trying to figure out why.

I think one of the first things that made my chest suddenly feel tight is that when I asked her how many genetic siblings and half siblings Momo has her response was two genetic siblings. (I know the egg donor had kids too so there are a handful of half sibs too). At the time of our transfer we were told there was one boy. My heart started to race. Did the original couple come back for their embryo? Is it their embryo still? Is it ours? Why does the fact that I didn't know there were two genetic sibs suddenly make me feel so...vulnerable? Excited at the possibility of Momo knowing these people one day? Sad? Confused as to why we didn't know? I looked up the one page of info we have on the sperm provider and under children it says one male child, in good health. So does that mean someone else also used one of their donated embryos? The feeling I had was really strange and I keep coming back to the fact that I don't know what I have the right to know or ask. This whole situation is  anonymous. Not my preference, but the way it is. And I've always felt afraid that if I ask too many questions or piss someone off at the clinic that they can deny me my potential child. But I also want to know these things and feel like Momo has the right to know. This is now her story and I feel like it's my obligation or my duty to inform her of her... I don't know the word I'm looking for here, her heritage? Her...background? And the fact that it feels confusing makes me uneasy. I never want Momo to feel confused. 

So finding out there are actually two sibs threw me off and so did the clinic saying they now wanted us to pay for storage for the embryos. They never asked for that before but suddenly they are? Perhaps that guarantees our name is on it. But it felt kinda yucky. 

And I think the third piece of all of this is maybe a little bit of being thrown back into the trauma of the whole experience.  Seeing the fertility clinic in my email header, having a nurse then call me to tell me what I'm required to do (updated blood tests, an x-ray of my uterus, some other fun stuff) for the next transfer. And the thought of gearing up, of doing progesterone shots, of flying to Seattle with Momo in tow-- I think I felt overwhelmed. Perhaps a little sadness. Sometimes it just doesn't feel good when other people, strangers, nurses, coordinators, whoever, are telling you what you are required to do to get "clearance" to try and have a baby. I bet that is really what people who adopt might feel like. 

Perhaps a fourth aspect of my day of anxious spinning is seeing my child, knowing my baby and not knowing how she will feel about her very unique origin story. I'm determined to help her feel nothing but proud and special and amazing-- that's how Noah and I feel, but she might have other thoughts and feelings and that's okay. At the end of the day she will know and feel the most important things--that she is loved and she truly is my soulmate. I will have to walk this line with her one day at a time. 

For now, I've been working on trying to make a book for her. I've been working on it since she was a 10 week old fetus (I really don't like that word). It's harder than I thought to break it all down in a simplistic and clear way that would be appropriate for a toddler to read, but I'm trying, and I'll get there. And the end will reiterate something Noah always says-- that this baby is so loved and so wanted that other people came together to help her come to be. That's what matters, to us at least. And perhaps how many siblings or where they are or will we ever find them won't ever matter. We will just have to wait and see.

 

Comments

[Grace]

Hey! I'm not sure which clinic you are using in Seattle (I used one there) and it is the law in Washington state that a child conceived through egg donor/sperm donor/donor embryo has the right to their genetic information when they turn 18. This means that she will have access to know both genetic father and egg donor identities. Just FYI. I'm not sure if it's been tested yet, but I know my clinic is keeping the information and informing all egg donors that they will not be 100% anonymous and they have to be ok with that.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for all your comments friends-- I do have some of those books you recommended Beth and honestly am not a fan but you're right in that that is kind of all that's out there. There needs to be better stories out there for kids...I'm going to work on something for Momo when I have a hot minute! D, let's see if I can answer your questions, you're right, it's one embryo. That was my typo. I wanted to know how many children share Momo's genetics, because I just do even though it kind of doesn't really matter I suppose. The clinic was fuzzy about it but clarified that Momo has one sibling created from the same batch of embryos(full) and that couple had a child before and did not use an egg donor (half) and the clinic wouldn't say anything about other half sibs as it is (unfortunately) all anonymous. Paying for storage, par for the course. Thanks for all the love y'all and know I'm always sending it right back.

[D]

That all sounds really hard. I can see how just getting back in touch with the clinic to make sure you're in good shape to be able to try again with that second embryo can be re-traumatizing as it puts you back into the position of a patient, someone who has to take tests, pay money, and worry about bureaucracy while others just have to worry about timing to making a baby. The thought that the clinic might not have held your embryo is terrifying, even though you're not ready to do anything with him/her/it yet. I'm so glad that they did reserve it.

It's a very confusing situation, and I'm a little confused about the details… not that it really matters, since you convey the emotions involved very clearly and the details aren't any of my business. But since I'm following your story closely, as a fellow DORer, I'm curious. You write:

"when I asked her how many genetic siblings and half siblings Momo has her response was two genetic siblings."

Does the full genetic siblings mean children that are already born, and/or are there more full genetic embryos beyond the one(s) you've reserved at the clinic? And did the coordinator answer your question about how many half siblings there are?

The second thing I'm confused about is that you write:

"So finding out there are actually two sibs threw me off and so did the clinic saying they now wanted us to pay for storage for the embryos."

Why embryos plural? I thought there was only one embryo at the clinic with your name on it. But are there more than one?

It does sound like a really tricky situation, and one that's very confusing. You write, "I don't know what I have the right to know or ask." I am really getting a sense of the vulnerability and confusion you feel.

Although it's a shame that you now have to pay to reserve the embryo(s), putting some pressure on you, where having an embryo should mean there's no hurry at all (and after your traumatic birth experience with Momo, I'd think more time would be better than less, both physically and emotionally), I would say that it would probably feel really good to pay for the embryo(s) storage in that it takes away the uncertainty about whether they're holding the embroy(s) for you.

It sounds like knowing as much as possible and then deciding how much and when to tell Momo is what would make you and her feel best. The vulnerability seems to come from the not-knowing and the lack of control.

I feel for you, and am, as always, so very grateful that your eloquence and honesty allow me and others like me insight into a process that people tend not to discuss. It makes us feel less alone.

[C]

Yes, paying for the storage is common and will hopefully make things more clear at your clinic that seems to muddle things up generally! You are not the only couple wanting to know more. These clinics are probably going to have to disclose, if not now, when the children that were born come back looking for answers. I'm glad we chose open donation but there are still lots of questions around that, lots of uncertainty. Embryo adoption is not easy, open or closed. I do feel more like my embryo donation baby is adopted; it feels like he was waiting for me, whereas with my daughter it was that we created her (natural). Adoption is a very special feeling. I find myself singing to him, "you were meant for me..." That old Jewel song! Would never have sung that to my daughter. And yet it's really I who created him, from an embryo! It's incredible. We don't tell people though- they don't usually make the effort to understand. Sometimes I wish I were on Facebook to find and embryo adoption support group....your feelings are all to be accepted with such an incredible and new process

[yasmara]

I think paying for embryo storage is really, really common. We had to do that before a FET. I don't know if that helps or not. For us, once we used all of our stored embryos, neither of us had the mental or physical capacity to go back into the fertility treatment world - it was just too hard.

[Beth]

In February we discovered, after 5.5 years of infertility, that I had now crossed over the threshold from unexplained infertility to diminished ovarian reserve. We went back and forth between donor egg and embryo adoption/donation for about two months before deciding on donor egg for which we will cycle at the end of July.

Your story and your gift for storytelling has been a blessing to us during this time for which I am forever grateful.

There are several children's titles already on the market that helps young children begin to understand embryo adoption/donation that you may be able to use as a inspiration for your own story for Momo:

The Pea that was Me
A Very Special Lady
Hope & Will Have a Baby
Before You Were Born...Our Wish for a Baby

[Jojo]

So many complex emotions to navigate I imagine. But- I think you are right in saying that how wanted and loved your little Momo is will far exceed any other factor. She is going to be so proud of her Mom and Dad and so happy you brought her to this world and to your family. Xo