Constructing our reality about the IF journey and donor conception

I've been thinking a lot about how each of us constructs our own reality and then lives as if our reality is the truth. We all do it, that's how we make sense of the world. We have our views of right and wrong and our beliefs and values and while yes, there are some basic rules and realities that apply across the human race, a lot of what we think and believe to be true is our own creation. 

I've been reminding myself of this concept lately when I come across people who have such fundamentally different ideas about donor conception. I understand struggling with certain things and having to process certain ideas, but sometimes I just don't get where other people might be coming from and then I have to remind myself that they are believing their reality just as I am. I think it's really hard when the reality of our life situation conflicts with rigid ideas about family and conception. It's a hard thing to reconcile internally and externally. 

I feel lucky that my parents are very open minded and most of the people in my life were super supportive of us moving towards donor conception. I never felt bad (I mean, I felt bad, like, a lot bad in general but never bad about using a donor) or ashamed and I never felt that using a donor wasn't "right." The thought just didn't cross my mind and that's probably because that wasn't my reality. 

Momo is now at an age where she is starting to understand books more. She likes that book Little Gorilla, and gets super excited at the part where Little Gorilla starts to "grow and grow and GROW" and becomes big, and everyone still loves him. She also is starting to really understand that she is a person. I'm not saying that right, I mean she can recognize herself and her name. She can find herself in a picture and knows she looks smashing in her pajamas and tutu with a box on her head. She just does, it's in her attitude. Noticing these changes in her has made me think it is really time for me to make her a book about her very special origin story, and it's making me think about how I am going to construct her reality until she starts creating her own. This is my job as her mama but it's also forcing me to really think about how to share her story in an age appropriate way, throughout her life really.

I remember my friend Lisa, I think it was Lisa, who has one adopted kid and one child through egg donation and surrogacy, who said something like, "you never want your kid to remember the moment you told them about being donor conceived." That stood out to me and the more I looked into best practices of disclosure, the more it seemed to make sense that a the story might be best played out if it's just always been a part of their life. But every family has individual feelings about this and about what will work best for them. I've been so public about Momo, she will always know her story, but sometimes I have doubts about that too. I also don't think disclosure is a one time thing but an evolving process that might shift and change over time and with her age and development. And while part of me wants to just see how this all plays out, I recognize I have a a pivotal role in how it actually does. 

And I guess that brings me back full circle with my reality. It's simple if I just break down the facts that make sense to me. My husband and I tried to make a baby the way we knew how and found out I had medical issues that prevented me from doing so. I sought the help of doctors and began a search to find the baby that was meant to be mine. And eventually I did. And she's amazing and I wouldn't have any of it any other way. 

We each have our own reality and the power to adjust it as needed. This can be very empowering if we let it be. It's about opening our hearts and minds, as always.

Comments

[Betsey]

While we were in the NICU with our premature boy, (he's 5 mo. now and doing amazing) we bought a Dr. Suess collection to read to him. Horton Hatches the egg happened to be one of the stories. Love it. Guess it's a good start!
I appreciate your point of view yasmara, I'm feeling torn these days. I am usually an open book, but it felt different once he was born. We live in a very small town, so I guess I am concerned for his privacy..
Maya, if you read old comments, yes please to the ED/EA group! I think it would be so helpful in the years to come. Good luck everyone

[Pamela Olson]

I always imagine a story about rescuing the princess (or prince) from a dark, cold cave. But is that to existential / scary?

[yasmara]

We did something similar - we always talked about how the doctors helped us make them & that Younger Son was stored in a special freezer when he was just 8 cells. They grew up knowing that we used technology to help have them (in our case, IVF & FET) and it was never a surprise or swept under the rug. What's interesting is that whenever I refer to our infertility, I find other stories come out of the woodwork. We just found out that Older Son's BFF was a donor egg conception and a soccer teammate of Younger Son was a FET. The more we talk openly, the better.