I have two friends-- one a close friend, one a friend I've never actually met but know through the blog--who got the rug swept out from under them this week. Two very different situations but both made my eyes swell and my heart sink, and made me just feel pissed off and sad for them.
My one friend, who I know and love who has been my IVF soul sister, got a BFP after her first round of IVF. OK. Not her first first round, her first round for kid #2. She has been through many rounds and the last wonky embryo of her last crazy cycle resulted in her son. Because of her age and all the unknowns, she jumped right back into IVF for #2, and lo and behold she got a positive pee test "on the first try." She called me and said she couldn't actually believe it and that she felt like one of those people who get pregnant naturally on the first try. She almost seemed to feel a little guilty. I had to remind her that she did IVF and didn't get knocked up after a glass of wine and wild night. Eh hem. She went to the doctor to take her blood test the next day and beta #1 came in a little low. She had forgotten about the beta game. I reminded her that my first beta was 23 and we both crossed our fingers. Beta #2 went up but didn't double. After beta #3 the doc pulled the plug. Now she sits and awaits her first miscarriage.
My other friend, who I've never actually met, has been keeping me updated on her tortuous journey to parenthood. She's still working on #1 and has been through some seriously terrible shit. I can't even get into her saga but she's done many procedures and IVFs, she had a very late pregnancy loss and then finally got P again and had the beta game hell but then things turned around and she seemed to be sailing off the Island, yet again, and then she went in for her 14 week appointment and there was no heartbeat. She is such a nice, determined, bright person, and one of the most resilient people I've ever crossed paths with. And now she too awaits her miscarriage. No, I'm wrong. She's getting a D & C.
So here are these two incredible ladies who just want to make their family, and they keep getting teased and taunted. I don't know why this happens. It isn't fair and it isn't right, but it is the story of so many people. Multiple attempts, endless procedures, losses and confusion and sadness and frustration. Both of them, though, are getting right back up after being knocked down. But how do you find hope when you've been through this stuff? How do you endure the process over and over again knowing the same end result could happen? You just do. Partly because, perhaps, you don't know what else to do, but partly because in your heart you believe you'll find your family. You'll find your baby and somehow all of this...crap will be worth it.
It's hard not to be waiting for the other shoe to drop when it has so many times before. I get that. I've felt that. But I guess the shoe may drop regardless of what we think or believe so we might as well just believe things will be different, that things will go right. And often times they do, because eventually somethings gotta give, right? I hope so. For my two friends and for everyone else out there struggling so hard.
Sending love.
It's funny how the infertility struggle tricks you. We struggled for many years with IVF and miscarriages before finally welcoming our beautiful baby 14 months ago. When we went to do IVF again this spring, we were thrilled to get two PGD normal embryos right away. It had taken us years to get just ONE --surely luck was now on our side. I got pregnant and miscarried a few weeks ago. It was such a slap in the face. Like your friend, we are determined to push forward and keep trying for #2. But I am reminded of how bad infertility feels, and I applaud those who keep trying, but I also applaud those who say, "enough. I don't want to spend a decade of my adult life going through this." It is not easy.
Posted by: Kerry | August 27, 2016 at 05:30 AM
Hey, I just had the rug pulled out from under me, too. Transferred our last two embryos, which looked great at the early blast stage, and had strong pregnancy symptoms all week. Still, it was a negative. Just bam, like a cage door slamming down again.
I don't think we can go through IVF again. Three (plus two FETs) is enough.
I don't know what we will do next, other than lick our wounds for a while. We are pretty wrecked.
Posted by: Pamela | July 27, 2016 at 01:59 PM
I have also pretty much come to the end of the journey. After a few attempts at IVF and not succeeding as well as the gov't funding of IVF being cut, my husband and I have chosen to just enjoy our lives. We are taking trips, being a great aunt & uncle to our nephews, and are very active in yoga. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow and accept things as they are. :)
Posted by: Mel. B. | July 25, 2016 at 12:36 PM
After 4 ivf's and 2 iuis I'm sitting here with my BFP at 6 weeks. I had a scare early this week when I rushed to my ER because I woke up and discovered that I had bled all over my bed. Maya, your blog entries about your trials and tribulations with momo help get me through the last few days as has your recommendation of Pema Chodron's Comfortable with uncertainty. That book powered me through my last round when I had all but given up.
I think your post today is particularly timely for me. It will be 9 months of uncertainty and I should just lean into the experience no matter what happens.
Posted by: cyndiK | July 23, 2016 at 04:03 PM
I think we are an incredibly strong & resilient group of women (& men) to go through all this fertility stuff&experience so many roadblocks,diversions including contemplating a child free life etc as you have articulated Maya & Springtime 10. Although i havent yet been pregnant i feel like i am already a parent...i feel so much love for my babies that have yet to be conceived (or were conceived via ivf & didnt turn into a pregnancy)& all the negotiation with my husband re donor egg,telling the child etc etc...as painful as all this is, i know i will be a much more attuned & sensitive parent when it does happen...we have our 3rd ivf transfer next friday & im enjoying the excitement of this stage...please god our raft off the island is coming!!!xxx
Posted by: Yvomme | July 23, 2016 at 06:26 AM
And sometimes you are just done. Life is full of regrets and not getting what you wish for and sometimes the only way to survive is to move on and be done. When you have tried every possible path and nothing works (and why it doesn't work can't be explained.) Working to accept that this is it - end of the road.
Posted by: Springtime10 | July 22, 2016 at 08:53 AM