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September 16, 2016


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Don't Count Your Eggs

Thanks so much for sharing! I think it's helpful to hear what others do. Jojo-- as always, you're my hero!


I agree with Heather, this is a good question. I would say my primary coping tools are praying and writing (journaling, blogging). They are not sure fire, but they did/do help whenI am consistent in using them.


My coping mecanisms were lots of crying on the closet floor, gardening, playing endless solitaire games, writing songs (unrelated to infertility,) interval training, and most importantly my infertility support group and private therapist. I cannot stress enough how much having a group of women to talk to (in the same room!) who were going through the same procedures and having the same horrible feelings helped to get me through the hardest times.


A therapist would have been a good idea in retrospect. Journaling, yoga and gardening helped. I turned toward my Catholic faith and found much support there even if there are those in the church who would like to shut out people who seek IVF. I won't let them define the Catholic Church! My priest says the church needs to get out of the bedroom and back in the living room and I heartily agree. If only more priests were like him.


By far the hardest part for me in all this is that, because I donated eggs when I was younger, I had started reading up on all this ART stuff and was hip to the lingo (and the odds, and the pitfalls), while my husband was completely blindsided. I'd also always just assumed I'd adopt if having a bio-kid was hard, while he comes from a traditional country (Turkey) where family is everything and adoption almost unheard-of. (Plus his parents died young, so it would mean a lot to him to see his parents in our kids.)

He's a really open-minded guy, does half the housework, just an overall mensch. But as we all know, reproductive issues can hit any of us quite hard. And I completely empathize with his wish to see his baby growing inside the woman he loves. Especially since he's pretty isolated from his culture and family, being in the States. Having a kid connected to him would mean a lot, and the kid and I could learn Turkish at the same time. (Would it even make sense to teach Turkish to a kid who wasn't biologically from Turkey? Either way we probably wouldn't end up doing it...)

All that is to say, this has hit my husband even harder than it has hit me, and that absolutely kills me, more than anything.

How do I cope? Not very well sometimes. But I try to remember that I can't carry anyone else's burden for them. I can only help them carry theirs. And I can do that better if I'm as strong and healthy and happy as I can be. It's not betraying him to relax and think about other things sometimes. Things only get better when I stop trying to imagine I have some magical influence over his state of mind other than being as grounded and strong as I can and being there for him.

Mel B.

Here is what I think about when things are not working out the way I had hoped they would. I remember sitting in the fertility clinic with my husband and the promise we made to each other that day. That whatever the outcome, we will be okay NO MATTER WHAT it is. I feel this promise is just as important as the vows we took on the day we got married. This is what helps me cope on IF island.


This is a good question - and I'm looking forward to hearing from others too. Coping for me has included seeing a therapist to talk about it, taking time to NOT think about it and enjoy life, keeping positive and believing it all will work out as it should, diving into work - a place I actually feel successful (and acknowledging I need the distraction), and talking about it with my husband, friends and family. Running has been super helpful - as has singing loudly to favorite songs!


Oh man this is true. My coping methods have been 1. Always have a next plan or next step so if the current plan or path fails you still feel like there is hope and another plan 2. After a failure excercise like mad, drink lots of wine, love on my husband and get ready to fight again 3. Always remind myself that life is about living and making the most of what you have and what reality is, not wishing life was different 4. Always tell myself this phase is fleeting, it will be over one day and I will be left with how I handled and coped and I want to be proud of that person. Thank you for making me reflect and list these out. Xo

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