Going with the Flow

I write a lot about unintended positive consequences of spending years living on IF Island, because I think that's one of the only ways we can actively try to turn lemons into lemonade. Patience, persistence, learning to advocate for yourself...all results of having no choice but to do so on the infamous "journey to parenthood." But one thing I've been thinking more about these days, as I try to navigate the world with a rambunctious 18 month old in tow, is the idea of going with the flow.

I had a hard time with going with the flow during much of our infertility treatments, because I desperately wanted to control the outcome and have some structure, some sense of what was going to happen when. What I came up against time and time again was the reminder that I have no control. That my body was going to do whatever it did, that it would respond to meds in different ways than expected, and that I would literally have to cross out all the appointments and instructions on my carefully constructed calendar because I was literally having to go with my flow. 

This drove me bananas. I like to know what the next day will bring. I like to know when I have an appointment. I like to be able to plan a little. I helps me feel sane. But infertility often comes with it's own version of insanity, whether it be free floating in the waters of the unknown, or doing the same thing over and over again trying to get a different result, it's all basically insanity.  Until of course something works, then all is forgiven I suppose. 

Pushing against the unpredictable nature of it all is the one thing that will actually make many of us feel even more insane. Because then we are also super disappointed and even more emotionally exhausted. 

There's a mindfulness practice I started doing way late in the infertility game, but it's helped me get over trying to ever have plans or much of a schedule now with Momo. I just remind myself to pay attention to what I know now, in this moment, and know that what comes next might be totally different than my expectation. I tell myself that I will try my best and just be present and grateful for whatever is happening. The more grounded we can try to feel and the less attached to our schedules, perhaps the easier it is to be flexible. This was never a strength of mine, but over time and with practice and necessity, I've gotten better. 

How do other people help themselves go with the flow? Who's got a good mantra? I good tip? A helpful perspective? (Jojo, I know you do girl!)

Comments

[Pamela O]

I needed this right now, because after our failed FET this summer, I can't help but feel like I'm on this crazy highwire and I can't rest and I can't go backwards and I can't see the other side, and I'm just walking and walking and trying not to fall, but I feel constantly terrified nothing is going to work and I'll be stuck on this wire forever.

It's not logical, and it's not who I am usually. But it's who I am right now.

Considering egg donation in Mexico next. With my age (almost 37) and endometriosis and ovaries that have both been cut on by a surgeon, my IVF chances just aren't that great, and I can't put myself through another likely failure. Here's a post about my thought process:

https://ladypartadventures.wordpress.com/2016/10/18/next-stop-mexico

But it'll be the end of our savings to try (even in Mexico), which means we might get to zero and still have nothing, and that thought makes it hard to breathe, and how can I do this right, how can I stop being a basketcase, when I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of a cliff and kinda PTSD from my miscarriage followed by a failed FET?

How does anyone do this?

Trying to breathe. Trying.

[C]

Heather, I hope and pray this transfer gives you your baby!
I am trying to be present. To be with my baby who grows up so fast. Put down phone, stop the past or future oriented thinking, get in my senses. Enjoy, rather, be present, with my baby, because my to do list is not going anywhere.
I was so bummed to get my period back when my baby was only five months. (I breastfeed exclusively but know full well my body has a mind of its own, after years of failed IVF) I had a very high Venus week then weeks of bad pms. I miss the calm me. The contrast is stark!So now I am also trying to go with that flow again, saving challenges for the good part of the month, taking care of myself during the bad part.

[Heather]

This is a perfect post right now as I prepare for the third round of donated embryo transfer. As the nurse reminded me, it is my "final" round - no pressure - and it follows two miscarriages this year. I'll be honest, I don't exactly know how to go with the flow. There is a part of me that almost feels like hope isn't helping - it sets up expectations that have not been met during this journey. So, letting go means focusing on what I can do today, who I can positively effect, and bringing more love and gratitude for the people and experiences in my life that are feeding my soul. I appreciate the previous posts as well - very heartfelt and helpful.

[Marisa H.]

Hi there! The short of your film was sent to me by a mutual friend, Meredith Marshall who said she used to work with your husband and was at the film premiere. (By the way, how do I see the whole film?) Just 2 days ago, I had my first IVF transfer after about a year long journey to get to this point. So I'm in the 2-ish week wait to see if I'm pregnant. I have really struggled with, but am incredibly grateful for the opportunity, to truly go with the flow. Not say it, as we often do when we're having a bad day at work or things aren't going our way. But truly find techniques and tricks to embody it. I've been doing it with respect to IVF of course - cancelling work meetings, cancelling trips and plans, remembering not to get too excited with good news or upset with bad news because it will all change next week or month - but it's helped me with all aspects of my life too. Not letting work dominant my emotional and mental state. Being present with friends and family, particularly my husband. Being available for others who need help and are going through their own dramatic journey - kid not getting into the right private school, a break-up, a pet passing away - without judgement relative to my own experience.

In a nutshell, I think the forced opportunity to embody going with the flow has made me a nicer and happier person! I've found that overall I'm not as cynical and less reactive and more open to new perspectives. And the hamster that's constantly running in my head - through lists, plans, to-dos, what-ifs - seems to have slowed down. Maybe it's all the estrogen I'm on! But I like to think it's something deeper.

My biggest tips are binaural beats and visualization. Type "binaural beats" into youtube for several free tracks. Listen with headphones for 20-30 minutes a day and visualize - deeply, with focus and purpose - whatever it is you need in the moment. I find longer can be too intense, but I did it up to an hour in my last retrieval cycle when things were not looking good on day 9 and 10. I ended up retrieving 14 eggs on day 13. I'm doing it now, visualizing implantation and letting my body take over...I know it knows what to do...our bodies are better at going with the flow than our minds, so there's some solace in that. I also do acupuncture with a specialist in fertility. Who knows if it's working, but I have to believe some of the changes I'm witnessing are attributable to it. Thanks for your great blog.

[Jojo]

Thanks for the shoutout :). This is one of the hardest parts of the IF battle in my opinion. For me going with the flow means I let go of timelines and comparisons in my head. I stop putting arbitrary timelines ( I need to be pregnant by my birthday or insert holiday). I also try not to compare my timeline or life to others. I used to think ' I just hope I can get pregnant before x has another baby or this friend is getting married in a few months so I only have a few more months before she starts trying to get pregnant etc. I had to totally let go of that. Other people's journey or pregnancy or lives do not make mine any better or worse. I let go of thinking there is a specific timeline and just trust if I move forward the best I can that is all I can do. I also log off of social media when I am feeling vulnerable and pretty much only follow people who post pictures of cute dogs or news stories :). Our minds are powerful so doing anything you can to protect yourself from triggers and at the same time letting go of comparing yourself to others can help a lot. Finally-- whenever I feel myself getting sad or feeling sorry for myself I try to remember that life is about living the life you have the best you can-- not wishing for a different story. We are not victims of IF but more brave warriors battling IF. Xoxo