Thinking about donor conceived families

I just had the urge to search for Momo's egg donor on the internet. Not sure why. The internet can be a fabulous place for information and connection, and at the same time it can be a dangerous place filled with obsession and misinformation. I've fallen down the rabbit hole of cyberspace many a time during my years on IF Island, but I also met a lot of great people and learned a lot of important things through my research. The internet is like anything else I suppose, good in moderation. We all have the responsibility of knowing how to monitor ourselves and knowing when we have crossed the line from research into obsession. We have to know what kind of information is going to help us and what's going to hurt us.

I've been taking this online course on infertility counseling through ARSM and I just finished the last module. I checked my email and then I went to Google and typed in "5'11 Norwegian egg donor, Seattle." Why? Why did I do that? I haven't been thinking about Momo's donor much lately, in fact I rarely think about Momo's genetics and when I do I just think about the gift we were given and how incredible our journey to her really was. I also feel just grateful now. She's an incredible little being. 

But there is curiosity, perhaps. And I am trying to understand it better. I'm trying to separate my own curiosity from the ability to be just curious about what Momo might want to do when she gets older. She might be interested in seeking her genetic link, she might not, and I don't want to influence her one way or another, but I do want to help her do whatever she feels is best for herself. But I will admit that I have a fantasy, a scenario that changes slightly with location and time but the general vibe is there. Noah, Momo and I are in Seattle, in a park or a restaurant--whatever, and we see Momo's genetic sib. He's five years older and looks just like her. He has awesome, amazing generous parents and I muster the courage to ask these strangers if they ever donated embryos. But I don't even have to ask because the mom and I lock eyes and we just know. And suddenly we have an extended family that we love and that Momo gets to have a relationship with and all is well in the world. Am I crazy? I don't think so. We built our family in such a unique way that I feel proud of and interested in, that the possibility of this happening feels really cool to me. That's a decision I've made, perhaps.  That it's cool and not strange. I guess I'm so confident that Momo knows who her Mama and Dada are that I feel no threat by any genetic link. 

But I also know that this is my fantasy and has nothing to do with Momo. And it is just that, a fantasy-- who knows what the reality might be. My job is to put my own stuff aside and follow her lead.

In my brief online search I came across a website called donorchildren.com. I tried to sign up but it seemed weird, so I don't know how legit it is, and I also don't know if it is my business too. So I'll hold off. But if anyone knows about this site or other sites that connect donor families other than the donor sibling registry, let me know. So I can store the info in the back of my mind in the file called resources for Momo, if she wants them.

Happy Friday everyone. 

Comments

[Stella]

My DH and I decided to go abroad after multiple failed fertility treatments. We chose clinic in Eastern Europe. We didn't expect to get pregnant after the first attempt. We put enough money aside. For the last we even used our credit card. At the same time I understand we couldn't afford de ivf if we'd stay here. I had a feeling it was worth it. My case was kinda complicated. Issue is tubal. The clinic uses fresh eggs. Also it has high success rates. Finally I'm pregnant with my miracle baby! The struggle is over. I'm 7 months pregnant and I feel great. By the way I'm 39.

[Betsey]

You all know more about your donors than us.. If I were to attempt a search, I would type, egg donor, 28, likes Deaf Leopard. We know less about the male.. It is so interesting to me the phases I am going through with my thoughts on this. I have always hoped that our little guy will have the option of reaching out when he's 18, but in the beggining I wanted to put them out of my head. The more I fall in love with this guy, the more I realize, they must be pretty great. Of course, also, they gave us the most unbelievable gift. We are so thrilled with the way things worked out. He fits so well with us. My only concern is that he stays a happy person, that he is glad that we brought him into this world, with us. That we can be wise with the timing and how we explain.. Again, yes to the ED support group!

[C]

Our son was born thanks to embryo donation and our donor family in turn created embryos thanks to egg donation. Our embryo donation is open and the egg donation was anonymous. However I easily found out the last name of our egg donor with an internet search. The agency she worked with noted first name, high school and dob...easy. For now my plan is to share her last name with our son when he is 18 if he is interested. I found a little bit about her online. She reminds me of one of my sisters. I don't think she has children yet although she is now over 30. I wonder if she would want to be contacted and what she would think about two families having children thanks to her donation. (Three children total...so far...there are several healthy embryos remaining.) For now I think it's best we wait til our son is 18 since she did agree to anonymous donation. Our son looks like her but she doesn't even know he exists. That's just the way it is, I guess the way it was meant to be

[Pamela O]

It's looking more and more likely this will be our path as well. A lot to think about. But more importantly (I like to think)... a child to love. Hey, the more deeply loved, wanted people on earth the better, right?

I also think sometimes about any kids that resulted from my egg donations, and I imagine meeting them some day. It's not an obsession or anything, just a cool thought. Obviously I am NOT in any way shape or form a parent to those kids. But nice to think of myself as a fond distant relative.

To be honest, the anonymity of the whole thing is strange to me. It's all just amazing, and in the interest of creating loving families out of building blocks that otherwise aren't being used anyway. Why shouldn't it just be normalized? I have a feeling in the coming years it will be much more normalized, with donors similar to spare godparents without any responsibilities -- but hey, if you run into the kid, or they have questions, or you feel like sending them some cool stickers, why not?

[Kate]

I came across a children's book titled 'Umbrella' by Taro Yashima. The main character's name is Momo. I know that's not your daughter's real name but it made me think of your little family :-) It's a sweet little Caldecott Honor book.