I just had the urge to search for Momo's egg donor on the internet. Not sure why. The internet can be a fabulous place for information and connection, and at the same time it can be a dangerous place filled with obsession and misinformation. I've fallen down the rabbit hole of cyberspace many a time during my years on IF Island, but I also met a lot of great people and learned a lot of important things through my research. The internet is like anything else I suppose, good in moderation. We all have the responsibility of knowing how to monitor ourselves and knowing when we have crossed the line from research into obsession. We have to know what kind of information is going to help us and what's going to hurt us.
I've been taking this online course on infertility counseling through ARSM and I just finished the last module. I checked my email and then I went to Google and typed in "5'11 Norwegian egg donor, Seattle." Why? Why did I do that? I haven't been thinking about Momo's donor much lately, in fact I rarely think about Momo's genetics and when I do I just think about the gift we were given and how incredible our journey to her really was. I also feel just grateful now. She's an incredible little being.
But there is curiosity, perhaps. And I am trying to understand it better. I'm trying to separate my own curiosity from the ability to be just curious about what Momo might want to do when she gets older. She might be interested in seeking her genetic link, she might not, and I don't want to influence her one way or another, but I do want to help her do whatever she feels is best for herself. But I will admit that I have a fantasy, a scenario that changes slightly with location and time but the general vibe is there. Noah, Momo and I are in Seattle, in a park or a restaurant--whatever, and we see Momo's genetic sib. He's five years older and looks just like her. He has awesome, amazing generous parents and I muster the courage to ask these strangers if they ever donated embryos. But I don't even have to ask because the mom and I lock eyes and we just know. And suddenly we have an extended family that we love and that Momo gets to have a relationship with and all is well in the world. Am I crazy? I don't think so. We built our family in such a unique way that I feel proud of and interested in, that the possibility of this happening feels really cool to me. That's a decision I've made, perhaps. That it's cool and not strange. I guess I'm so confident that Momo knows who her Mama and Dada are that I feel no threat by any genetic link.
But I also know that this is my fantasy and has nothing to do with Momo. And it is just that, a fantasy-- who knows what the reality might be. My job is to put my own stuff aside and follow her lead.
In my brief online search I came across a website called donorchildren.com. I tried to sign up but it seemed weird, so I don't know how legit it is, and I also don't know if it is my business too. So I'll hold off. But if anyone knows about this site or other sites that connect donor families other than the donor sibling registry, let me know. So I can store the info in the back of my mind in the file called resources for Momo, if she wants them.
Happy Friday everyone.