Don't Count Your Eggs

Thinking about donor conceived families

I just had the urge to search for Momo's egg donor on the internet. Not sure why. The internet can be a fabulous place for information and connection, and at the same time it can be a dangerous place filled with obsession and misinformation. I've fallen down the rabbit hole of cyberspace many a time during my years on IF Island, but I also met a lot of great people and learned a lot of important things through my research. The internet is like anything else I suppose, good in moderation. We all have the responsibility of knowing how to monitor ourselves and knowing when we have crossed the line from research into obsession. We have to know what kind of information is going to help us and what's going to hurt us.

I've been taking this online course on infertility counseling through ARSM and I just finished the last module. I checked my email and then I went to Google and typed in "5'11 Norwegian egg donor, Seattle." Why? Why did I do that? I haven't been thinking about Momo's donor much lately, in fact I rarely think about Momo's genetics and when I do I just think about the gift we were given and how incredible our journey to her really was. I also feel just grateful now. She's an incredible little being. 

But there is curiosity, perhaps. And I am trying to understand it better. I'm trying to separate my own curiosity from the ability to be just curious about what Momo might want to do when she gets older. She might be interested in seeking her genetic link, she might not, and I don't want to influence her one way or another, but I do want to help her do whatever she feels is best for herself. But I will admit that I have a fantasy, a scenario that changes slightly with location and time but the general vibe is there. Noah, Momo and I are in Seattle, in a park or a restaurant--whatever, and we see Momo's genetic sib. He's five years older and looks just like her. He has awesome, amazing generous parents and I muster the courage to ask these strangers if they ever donated embryos. But I don't even have to ask because the mom and I lock eyes and we just know. And suddenly we have an extended family that we love and that Momo gets to have a relationship with and all is well in the world. Am I crazy? I don't think so. We built our family in such a unique way that I feel proud of and interested in, that the possibility of this happening feels really cool to me. That's a decision I've made, perhaps.  That it's cool and not strange. I guess I'm so confident that Momo knows who her Mama and Dada are that I feel no threat by any genetic link. 

But I also know that this is my fantasy and has nothing to do with Momo. And it is just that, a fantasy-- who knows what the reality might be. My job is to put my own stuff aside and follow her lead.

In my brief online search I came across a website called donorchildren.com. I tried to sign up but it seemed weird, so I don't know how legit it is, and I also don't know if it is my business too. So I'll hold off. But if anyone knows about this site or other sites that connect donor families other than the donor sibling registry, let me know. So I can store the info in the back of my mind in the file called resources for Momo, if she wants them.

Happy Friday everyone. 

Going with the Flow

I write a lot about unintended positive consequences of spending years living on IF Island, because I think that's one of the only ways we can actively try to turn lemons into lemonade. Patience, persistence, learning to advocate for yourself...all results of having no choice but to do so on the infamous "journey to parenthood." But one thing I've been thinking more about these days, as I try to navigate the world with a rambunctious 18 month old in tow, is the idea of going with the flow.

I had a hard time with going with the flow during much of our infertility treatments, because I desperately wanted to control the outcome and have some structure, some sense of what was going to happen when. What I came up against time and time again was the reminder that I have no control. That my body was going to do whatever it did, that it would respond to meds in different ways than expected, and that I would literally have to cross out all the appointments and instructions on my carefully constructed calendar because I was literally having to go with my flow. 

This drove me bananas. I like to know what the next day will bring. I like to know when I have an appointment. I like to be able to plan a little. I helps me feel sane. But infertility often comes with it's own version of insanity, whether it be free floating in the waters of the unknown, or doing the same thing over and over again trying to get a different result, it's all basically insanity.  Until of course something works, then all is forgiven I suppose. 

Pushing against the unpredictable nature of it all is the one thing that will actually make many of us feel even more insane. Because then we are also super disappointed and even more emotionally exhausted. 

There's a mindfulness practice I started doing way late in the infertility game, but it's helped me get over trying to ever have plans or much of a schedule now with Momo. I just remind myself to pay attention to what I know now, in this moment, and know that what comes next might be totally different than my expectation. I tell myself that I will try my best and just be present and grateful for whatever is happening. The more grounded we can try to feel and the less attached to our schedules, perhaps the easier it is to be flexible. This was never a strength of mine, but over time and with practice and necessity, I've gotten better. 

How do other people help themselves go with the flow? Who's got a good mantra? I good tip? A helpful perspective? (Jojo, I know you do girl!)