Coping during the Holidays

It's that time of year again. And while Thanksgiving (and eventually the celebrations that December brings) are often a delicious, family focused life time-out, they can also be a bit stressful or even sad for a lot of people on IF Island. That's normal. That's understandable. And sometimes it's just hard to be home. Sometimes it's just hard to be anywhere. Sometimes holidays remind us that what we expected just isn't happening. Sometimes other people have had babies or family members wonder why you still don't and it all just feels like too much. Sometimes the end of the year signifies another year gone, another year lost, another dive into a statistic of aging ovaries. Sigh.

I often go back to this video of us on Thanksgiving day 2012. It was a major low point of my years on IF Island because it was the day we found out my follicles just weren't growing, and the day I realized just because you do IVF doesn't mean it's going to work. Duh, I know. But I didn't then. I assumed you do the meds, go to the zillion appointments, pay the money and then you get a baby. But that day even though my Doc was out of the office, I sat in his office and balled my eyes out knowing that cycle might end up in the shitter. Noah and I drove to the desert and I threw up and went to sleep and he injected more meds into my belly and we ate crappy hotel turkey and called it a day. Our lives were stuck in a holding pattern and a few weeks later everything did end up in the shitter. 

But being able to reflect on that moment, four years later, enables me to really know that nothing stays the same. It helps me remember that feelings and situations and fears and pain transform and disappear and new realities and opportunities take their place. It reminds me that all bad things (and some good) come to an end. In that moment, we didn't have to cope with trying to put on a jolly face for friends and family at some boisterous turkey dinner. We were able to just feel crappy and sad-- and so we did, then we gathered ourselves and we made a commitment to doing the best we could because that's all we could do. And I think from that point on we did do the best we could.

I've been working with infertility patients in my private practice and have been excited by how different people manage to cope with intense feelings in general but especially during the holidays. I'm actually planning on running a support group on December 4th in West LA (contact me if you're local and interested in joining!) so people can share some of their coping tools. But I want to open it up here as well. Anyone having difficulties gearing up for the holidays? Anyone have great coping tools to share? 

Wishing you all a delicious Thanksgiving, if you celebrate it, and hoping everyone can focus on the things in your life you do feel grateful for. 

Comments

[Maryann]

Thank you so much Jojo! Sometimes in the times of the heartache and struggles all we need is to feel heard and validated! Wishing you much success in your battle. Wishing everyone struggling this Holiday Season much love, much needed support and hope.

[Heather]

The group sounds wonderful ~ I wish I lived there! I am grateful for this post, as I just found out today that I am officially not pregnant after our third embryo transfer. I kept hoping for a miracle - but not this time. Our plan is a small dinner with a couple we are close to and a weekend away together at a waterfront resort near the mountains. I have only told a few women who I trust, and they have been an amazing support. Before I found out, I had an overwhelming sense that everything will be okay. That and a relaxing weekend with my husband feels like the perfect antidote. Happy holidays to all of you ladies on IF Island and those of you that are our guides off of it.

[Pamela O]

So sorry for everyone who's had or having a tough time. I understand completely. Last year I had just had a miscarriage (the only result from three miserable rounds of IVF), and I was invited to a friend's house for Thanksgiving. I had been hoping for one of those miracle pregnancies right after a miscarriage, but I got my next cycle that day. So I was cramping and bleeding and trying to smile while all the other women decided it was a good idea after dinner to share all their birth stories in great detail. (I, of course, had nothing to contribute, though I suppose I could have told them what a miscarriage was like.)

This year has been a bummer as well, with a failed FET of our last two own-egg embryos, leaving us in a pretty deep pit of despair. But we've picked ourselves up and looked at our options and are pretty stoked to be trying donor embryos in the new year. Finally we feel optimistic about something, and it feels really good. Now I see babies and feel excited instead of jealous. It's a big, big change from the past three years... And hopefully a good sign we're on the right path for us.

[Mel. B.]

I wish you were in Montreal, Quebec (Canada). My husband and I would
love to go to a infertility support group. I have looked for these type of groups here but haven't been successful. I think what you are doing...helping others get through the process of fertility treatment via your website and your counselling centre are excellent. :)

[Jojo]

That breaks my heart Maryann. Great job for getting through it. I have a really supportive and careful family and it can even be hard for me so I can only imagine how awful it is for those that don't. I also think taking care of yourself is so important. If you feel like family might not be supportive or could be full of triggers- maybe even 'coming down with the flu' and instead watching movies in bed and eating take out. I travel across the country to see my husband's family every other year and if it gets too hard I take a glass of wine to bed early and watch shows on my iPad. Self care is so important and if family doesn't understand it makes it that much harder. Wishing you all an easy and in some cases fleeting holiday. Xo

[Maryann]

Hi Maya! Very appropriate post during this time of the year! It is indeed family time and for those going through infertility, and/or treatments it can be the hardest time of the year. I remember oh too well, 2014 Christmas. It was 2 months right after I miscarried so much wanted baby, after millions of doctor appointments, monies and mountain of drugs. I forced myself and my hubby to attend family gatherings with small and newborn babies present. I remember the lack of emphaty and painful comments about lack of joy on my face and was even called bitter. Still when I write this it burns my heart. Knowing what I know today, I would have skipped the parties and try to heal in place where I could feel safe and wouldn't have to pretend. Maybe small get away with the hubby somewhere sunny, maybe just a day trip to the park or mountain place far away from reminders of infertility. Sometimes when I tried despite my pain do the right thing and be there with the family during Christmas I did it on my own expense. Sometimes coping with the heartbreak of infertility means focusing on own healing and pampering much wounded body and soul despite everyone's expectations.