Harvesting Hope

One of the hardest things to do is to feel genuinely hopeful after you've been knocked down. I get that. I've experienced that. Maybe hope isn't the right word, exactly, because hope in it's simplest definition means to want something to happen. Maybe a better word is optimism-- but I'll use them interchangeably because no one is grading my grammar. I hope. 

A question I come across more and more in my private practice is how can I honestly feel hopeful...after three failed IVFs, after six miscarriages, after ten BFNs in a row, after three years...

I wish I had a magic wand filled with hope stars that could erase the fears and traumas and shocks and heartbreaks of the past so that everyone can move forward excitedly into whatever lies ahead for them. Filled only with complete optimism and hope and expectation that things will go in their favor. For a lot of people it becomes hard to believe that something could go right. People often feel cursed or unlucky and begin to believe some evil force out there has it out for them. 

But I don't have a magic wand, and I know you can't just tell yourself to feel hopeful or optimistic. But what I do know is that our minds are very powerful tools-- so while you might not be able to convince a broken heart to feel otherwise, you can use a logical mind to explore other options.

One thing that I find helpful is making a conscious effort to let the past go. This is easier said than done, but while your heart might fear the next IVF cycle because the previous ones haven't be successful, and the body might cringe walking through the clinic doors, the mind can be the anchor, convincing the rest of the team that this time can be different.

And it can be. That doesn't mean it will be. Just that it can. And in that possibility lies hope and an optimism that can maybe be better defined as openness to good things. 

Can we be open to good things while simultaneously knowing the bad things all too intimately? Yes. We do this by staying with the facts and trying not to get too ahead of ourselves or locked into the what-ifs, and by not digging up the past for reference, because as I like to repeat over and over, the past doesn't dictate the future. What is fact in any given moment is just that. If there is opportunity then we sit in that with open arms, if there's disappointment then we sit in that too and hold ourselves tightly, reminding ourselves that whatever happens we will get through it and be ok.

Sending love and optimism and hope stars to anyone who needs it.

Comments

[Pamela O]

For the first time in years we are feeling hopeful instead of depressed this holiday season. We signed up for double-donor embryo donation at a clinic that boasts a 90% success rate with up to three tries.

It's not fun or easy giving up on both of our genetics (my husband is so sweet and handsome!), but for us we just want off this damn ride. It has just killed our joy for too. And we feel confident 2017 will be our year.

Which is not easy after thinking that year after year after year... But it's hard to argue with 90%. There's a great Facebook network of women who've had success cheering the "next generation" on, and it finally all feels really hopeful -- hopeful enough that I've been freaking myself out all day trying to figure out how we're going to afford insurance if we have twins next year!

Your blog post is wise, and so much easier to see in retrospect than to feel when you're stuck in the middle of it. But here's hoping. For all of us.

[Rese]

I am not usually into saving quotes etc, but I came across this quote this morning on my desk. It is fitting in my role as an oncology nurse but I think also fitting for an infertility journey as well.....
The way is long-let us go together
The way is difficult-let us help each other
The way is joyful-let us share it
The way is ours alone-let us go in love
The way grows before us- let us begin
-Joyce Hunter

[Bec]

Thanks Jojo :) I've just seen you have a blog too. I will have a read on the weekend. So nice to discover other people to chat about this with xx

[Jojo]

Yes and yes! I am constantly telling myself this. Ps-Bec-- I just embarked on the donor egg path and every step along the way seems filled with hope and just feels right. Just wanted to let you know that this path can be totally ok- even great. Xoxo

[Bec]

Thank you. Exactly what I needed this morning. Your story is so very similar to mine and I am on my way to blood tests this morning which will be my make or break decision point to using donor eggs. Wish me luck! Ps. I love your blog