I just got off the phone with a dear IF Island friend who has been in the process of trying for number two for over a year. Her body didn't get the memo that infertile gals are supposed to just get knocked up easily with number two, right? Anyway. She is a real trooper. She's carting around a toddler and most recently had a chemical pregnancy for IVF take 2 (or like, 5) round 1.
Today she went in for a sonohysterogram because during her second attempt, her lining didn't grow at all. Which was strange, because a stellar lining had always been the one consistent thing in her cycles. The doc squirted saline multiple times and nothing would stay in... wait, what? Now she has to have a camera explore the territory on another day... time...money...waiting...wondering... seriously?!
She was clearly upset and said, "I just don't want to be surprised anymore."
And that just sums it up completely, doesn't it.
How many of us have gone into the RE expecting one thing, one outcome, one result, one kind of experience instead to find ourselves sitting bottomless in a cold sterile exam room going, "wait, what?" Followed of course by the whys, and then the WTFs. Then we pull up our pants, pay an exorbitant bill, thank the doctor for having no answers and we book the next invasive exploration of our private parts and go home with a splitting headache. If we are lucky, we cry to our moms or a good friend. If we are alone we jump down the Google rabbit hole and indulge on ice cream.
"Wait, what?" is a terrible phrase. It usually means you are finally standing with two feet on the ground and suddenly you find your ass in the air beating yourself up for not expecting the worst, as if we are supposed to know every possible thing that can go wrong each cycle.
We can't anticipate the curveball and we can't change whatever the moments reality is. We can only feel ourselves lift into the air, totally unstable and afraid, and then try to find our feet again when we land.
Sending love to my dear friend and anyone else who has found themselves saying, "wait, what?" this week.
I am sending so many positive vibes to your friend. The one thing that keeps my hope alive IS the fact that we keep getting surprised by bad stuff. I know, I know. It's wacky. But I keep telling myself, the universe sometimes actually has GOOD surprises in store. So I've been yelling at it a lot to please surprise us in a good way (you know- you go in to an ultrasound to start IVF and they're all, "OMG we'd love to start you on your meds but you are miraculously already pregnant!")
I like to think that if we keep trying and keep an open mind to the fact that our journey might morph into other things, we could one day be eventually pleasantly surprised. That hasn't happened for us either, but I am very much hoping it does, and very much hoping it happens for your friend.
Posted by: KB | November 21, 2016 at 04:41 PM
We've about maxed out on the "Wait, what?"s. We looked around for the surest thing we could find -- a 90% success rate with a possibility of your money back if it doesn't work. For the sake of our (dwindling) savings and our mental health, three tries with created donor embryos with those kinds of stats is the only option available that makes me feel like I can breathe again.
Of course, God knows something else could pop up at any stage. But I don't feel quite so much like I'm walking an endless tightrope over an abyss.
It's a good feeling. It's been a long time. Here's (still) hoping.
https://ladypartadventures.wordpress.com/2016/10/23/another-hat-in-the-ring-california-conceptions
Posted by: Pamela | November 07, 2016 at 06:00 PM