The end of the year can be a really hard time for some people, especially those on IF Island, and it's understandable. A reminder of another year gone. A feeling of grief about thinking you'd be spending the holidays being able to share joys of expecting. Realizing the very real limitations the cost infertility has had on your life -- socially, financially, emotionally-- perhaps not being able to travel like you used to or feeling socially isolated and just not in a very spirited mood. I get it. I get all of it. But I also want to explore the flip side, because I think it's always helpful to look at opposites when we get stuck in a feeling or thinking patterns that feels crappy.
Somethings just are what they are. Money lost might just mean no vacation this year. But other things are, or can be, different with a shift in the ways we think.
Often times when one door closes, it means another open might open. It might be a door you NEVER thought you'd be standing in front of, but yet there you are, and the truth might be that behind this door is the resolution you've been after. After the door to my own ovaries was closed-- ok that is not worded well at all but you know what I mean, after we realized my eggs were probably not going to yield us the result we were after, a baby, I was devastated but also able to focus on the next possible solution. Donor eggs. When that door got slammed shut, I thought my heart was going to explode into a zillion pieces and just couldn't fathom any other options or opportunity, and then we discovered embryo donation. With each door that got shut, we had to grieve and reassess and figure some stuff out, but once we did we could see that a there was another option-- just one we didn't plan on or even think of.
With 2016 coming to an end, it's easy to get caught up in everything that didn't happen. Or regrets. Or everything that did happen that you regret. We all get caught up in these arbitrary timelines and the "shoulds" that dictate our lives that we often can't help taking stock at the end of the year. But what if instead we just decided that the year is gone, and everything that happened are the stepping stones to the new opportunities that are waiting for us in the New Year?
That feels better to me. Giving yourself a break knowing each of us does the best we can in any given moment. New beginnings. New opportunities.
Happy Friday!
I just wanted to say how inspiring your blog is. I'm about to begin donor egg treatment. It's been a long and difficult journey to get here, and we still don't know what will happen, but your blog is a real inspiration, and offers some fantastic validation that I'm not alone and my feelings are all normal. Thank you.
Posted by: Rebecca | January 11, 2017 at 09:38 AM
I just wanted to say I posted to say I"m sorry for my comment on the last post! I see how what I said sounded like I was against egg donation, which I am definitely not, and for those going through the egg donation process or who have donated eggs that sounded like a personal judgment. It was a mistake! To clarify, we chose embryo donation of embryos created thanks to egg donation. That was our path. I wish you peace during this special season and may 2017 bring you all the child you so rightly desire.
Posted by: C | December 24, 2016 at 09:43 AM
Yes to all of this! A closed door, an ending, a devastation etc always hurts and is always hard but is also forces a new path or a new door opened. The realization of this helps so much along the way. I always tell myself that each hard day or hard news or hard milestone I face during IF is one day, one devastation, one milestone closer to when I finally have my baby. When this hell is finally over. I know that those folks that aren't able or open to alternative family planning (egg or embryo donation, adoption etc) might not be able to have this perspective. My heart aches for that position. I think that type of grieving or coping is a different and tougher road to travel. But knowing that we are willing to go down any path, accrue debt to complete our family gave me hope that each day was one day closer. Even if it felt far away. Thank you for this reminder. Xo
Posted by: Jojo | December 17, 2016 at 10:49 AM