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February 23, 2017


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Hi Maya, I have been following your blog throughout our own infertility struggle in the past years. Even though I never left a comment, I have got so such strength and comfort from your blog. Reading your recent pregnancy and loss makes me feel I ought to send you a note and hugs, and want to share with you briefly our story. The last summer, we finally came out of the IF island: we had our precious baby boy via a surrogate, after 4 heart wrenching years, 4 IUIs, 2 OE IVFs, 2 DE IVFs, another 3 embryo banking mini-IVFs, 3 biochemical pregnancies, 3 clinics in 2 continents and 1 wonderful surrogate. We beat the (sometimes wrong) diagnosis of diminish ovarian reserve, poor egg quality, poor response, polyps and (suspected) blood-clotting issues. Our journey was long, complex and rather unconventional, even among the IFers. If people like us with odds stacking against can survive, the vast majority of IFers can survive if persist.

Same as you, we still have one embryo left from my three embryo banking cycles, but are yet to decide what next. My husband and I are very content with our life with our bundle of joy and we are all but certain about moving on with our lives with the only child. I really do not even want to imagine we have to go through another grueling (and super expensive) round of surrogacy, while we don't even know if the lone embryo will survive the thaw. But deep in my heart, I feel guilty towards the remaining embryo - it deserves a chance to be become a little person just like his brother, and I feel guilty towards my son, who deserves a sibling. For what you have been through, I applaud for your courage and strength for going for a sibling for Momo, and I hope the best for you and your family.


Oh Maya. I just caught up with this post and your previous one. I have been sporadically checking in to see where you were in terms of going back for Momo's sibling ... a decision I figured you'd visit at some point. To read about your unexpected and enthralling pregnancy and loss just made me ... numb, for lack of a better word. Numb as in not being able to wrap my mind around why bad things happen to good people. One of those instances that make you want to scream WTF?! I think asking all the what ifs is a natural part of your healing process, so don't begrudge yourself for that and mourning the loss of your baby while you're lucky enough to have Momo. It simply sucks. Sending you hugs from the East Coast.


I find myself checking for your next post. I want to see how you, as a therapist, are working through this loss. Almost as a way of processing my own losses once more.

I hope you're doing well, are allowing yourself to feel deep rage (might I suggest kickboxing?), and also joy and hope.


Sometimes I feel like I'm in the bargaining stage for entirely too long. The "if I only" can be debilitating...the way you worked through that stage in particular was inspiring to me. And the circle of support is so critical - let the circle take care of you for as long as you need! Sending lots of positive vibes your way.


Remember to allow yourself to grieve, and not feel guilty in doing so in the loss of your baby because you have Momo. I know what you mean, having another child to focus on and relish in her miracle, is very helpful and a distraction. But sometimes I feel us IF gals who do eventually find a way to parenthood, are the quickest to sell ourselves short in times of loss and need, because we still feel the guilt of having had a child when others we know do not yet. Or like if we grieve the death of a baby, it means we don't appreciate a live child. I think you're doing great, but just want to be sure you take good care of yourself following this great surprise, celebration, and sad loss. I'm so sorry to hear what has happened - big hugs.


I also "barf" my feelings! When we first started down the road of infertility and found out my AMH was 0.2, I threw up for three days straight. Squeeze your kiddo a little tighter, they help pull you through the process so much quicker.


Readimg about Momo yelling she is happy made me so happy. That to me is joy personified and I am glad you have her to carry you across the dark and lead you through the grief. Having my miracle toddler during my losses made the grieving much quicker. Not only do you stare at a miracle everyday but they don't give you much time to wallow. My son, too young to know what was happening when I would cry would just kiss me and say 'mommy all better' over and over until I stopped crying. Such a gorgeous gift in that pain.


I miscarriage shortly after Christmas with my last frozen embryo. It gets easier everyday. Feel your feelings and keep believing in life's miracles.

Pamela O

I've gotten pretty talented at getting through the stages of grief pretty quickly myself. (Venting on my blog helps me when I'm at the lowest. Just "barfing" it all out.) Not a club I particularly wanted to belong to, but hey. Everyone's life is different, and everyone's life involves loss or never-got. The only thing we can do is live as well as we can with that. And with all the exquisite gifts around us, which deserve notice, too.


Would it make you feel better if I suggested your RE wouldn't have seen you anyway because it wasn't an ART pregnancy?

Also, we were all barfing this weekend too thanks to a norovirous. I hope in a way it was just your feelings because if not it's highly contagious and dealing with a puking toddler is no joke!

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