Some of us will just have to WORK for our kids

Hi!

Sorry I've been MIA. I haven't been in a dark hole of despair. I swear. The opposite actually. Well, not the opposite. I have moments, but I've been feeling ok and so appreciate everyones love and support. I did a mass email to "untell" all the friends and family I told, and while I felt...sad and kind of guilty, like I was letting people down or something, for a moment it actually felt good to me that I had so many people I blabbed my mouth off to to support me in good times and bad. I thought I would dread it, but it actually felt like I was normalizing that not all pregnancies work out and it's ok and safe to talk about it. I'm not responsible for making other people feel comfortable, but if I'm comfortable sharing then others will follow my lead. 

What's been interesting to observe is my brain's tendency toward self-blame. Many of us do this, right? Something goes wrong and we try to find a reason or a cause, and with pregnancy, because it's in our bodies, we make that assumption that maybe we didn't do something we should have, or did do something we shouldn't have. I know some of us do this, not all. But I noticed over the past few weeks I find myself wondering if I lost the pregnancy because I'm out of shape. Because I'm tired and a bit worn down (Momo wakes up at 4am. Like. Every. Day). I wonder if I didn't DO enough to...I don't even know what, protect it? When I notice my mind going down this path I let it for a moment and then I just try to stop it. While I do believe it was likely a chromosome problem with my eggs, because most early miscarriages are, I also remind myself that people on crack get pregnant and carry to term. People in war zones. People under extreme stress. People who don't take prenatals or eat well, or eat much at all. Sometimes this happens and finding fault is a fruitless pursuit because in the end how does that help me? 

Well, it doesn't and maybe it does a little. The experience has helped me realize I really do want #2 and that I need to get my ass in decent shape-- not just physically, and not because I think the fact that I haven't worked out in two years or that I only eat scraps off Momo's plate and a various assortment of string cheese and carbs caused this pregnancy to end, but because I need to feel like I have done everything I can to provide the best environment to grow a baby. Because I have one shot at this with the second embryo, and I want to know I am strong, mentally, emotionally and physically to do the transfer, and deal with the aftermath which will hopefully be a pregnancy and then a newborn. 

I worked extremely hard to get and keep Momo in my belly. And birth was no walk in the park. This accidental pregnancy almost felt too easy. Easy in an amazing way-- that I will likely never really know. Soooo.... I'm committed to getting myself ready for transfer and being pregnant while having a toddler. I'll allow myself whatever space and time I need to feel bummed and disappointed, and I understand that some people just have to work really hard to create a family. I'm one of those worker bees.

So since March 1st I've changed my diet (no sugar unless it's fruit, no caffeine-- this is the killer right now, no dairy, no wheat) am am eating whole foods and lots of veggies and adding algae and other good stuff to cleanse the system. Basically I am prioritizing being a healthy eater again and when I say I desperately miss eating a box of cookies every night, I'm not exaggerating. I DESPERATELY miss it to the point where I find myself sniffing a bag of chocolate chips I have in a kitchen cabinet. It's pathetic. I'm addicted to sugar. So there's my diet and then there's the shape I'm in, or not in. I can no longer claim my workout is "chasing a toddler around all day," because it isn't making me look or feel good. Doing infertility treatments for years takes a toll. Being pregnant and on bedrest (did I mention I was almost 180 lbs when I delivered? I'm 5'4 and change) makes the body basically atrophy, so I hired a friend of mine who is a personal trainer to work with me. And the third change I've made is I'm going to take care of myself. I haven't in a long time. I preach self-care all the time but I don't practice it. So I got a massage and will get a facial this month, and on my 37th birthday, April 2nd, I will feel fucking fabulous even if it kills me! All this stuff takes time I don't have and money I don't have but for the month of March I'm just doing it and not thinking about it. I make me and my health a priority over other things and it will all find a way to get done. I will go through my gross clothes and get rid of stuff that has holes.  That's my plan for March. Noah and I are kind of documenting it as if I'm a caterpillar and suddenly in one month I'll be a beautiful butterfly, so maybe I'll throw up a video in a bit. I've had no motivation for a long time and am often just trying to get through the day, but all that's got to change. And now I have motivation. We are planning to transfer embryo #2 by August at the latest. So I have to get my shit together. Period the end. 

I really haven't felt good for a long time, in my body and in my energy. So while I'm using the embryo transfer as motivation, I'm really doing this for me. Because I know the embryo will either work or it won't and the outcome likely has nothing to do with my diet or my flabby thighs, but I want to feel good and I want to feel strong. So that's my plan. When I wrote to the clinic saying we were going to plan for a summer transfer, I got an email back about blood tests I'd need to do and costs of the procedure and while my heart sank for a moment, I just reminded myself some of us have to really work for it. I'll have to spend the cash. I'll have to drive to all the doctor appointments. I'll have to do the progesterone in oil to the buns (ugh that's the works), and I'll have to fly to another state and hold my breath and cross my fingers that the embryo thaws and that it takes and that it turns into Momo's sibling. I'm willing to work. I'm willing to fight for it. I just have to find the energy and my spirit back. So that's the game plan. 

Thanks again for all the love everyone. I might keep writing about this for a bit unless no one cares and my month of personal spring cleaning is just lame, then I'll get back to the book. But if you're on board and want to take a few weeks to activate some motivation and self-care and energy to feeling good in your body and life then join me on this! Next stop is cleaning out the closest. 

Comments

[C]

It is hard being a mom, it seems like anything that goes wrong with your child, from the embryonic stage through adulthood, could possibly be your fault - something you did or didn't do!

[Mel]

I'm with you Maya! I had my miracle baby 15 months ago and really need to get back into a healthy lifestyle.

[Azoospermia Treatment]

Infertility treatment is best possible with the help of Chinese traditional medicines

[Pamela O]

Regarding giving up sugar, it SUCKS for about ten days. The addiction is very real. Then, honest to God, sweet stuff just doesn't appeal as much anymore. You might pick up a Starbucks donut one day to be "bad" and then find it's just not that good. It's just another thing to put in your mouth, and not nearly as satisfying as an almond milk banana blackberry mango smoothie.

I got on a sugar kick after my last miscarriage (didn't even really enjoy the sugary stuff much, just did it to say "f*** you" to... the universe I guess, or to myself), so I was back to square one not long ago. It was much easier to kick it this time. Yeah, it sucked, but I knew approximately when the suck would expire.

Thanks for being you, wishing strength (which you already have) and an extra sprinkle of luck.

[Pamela O]

That's a great way to think of it -- some of us just have to work harder than others. Math comes easily to me. This doesn't. Those are just the breaks. Not everyone can be good at everything. It's not a judgment or a punishment. It just happens sometimes.

Here's to laboring toward our children in more ways than one and ending up joined forever to the perfect little beings whom we will never take for granted for a moment.

[Rese]

I too am focusing on regaining my health this year. Trying to focus on getting to a place that I recognize the person in the mirror again, both physically and emotionally. It's harder than I thought it would be to let go of 5 years of baggage, literally and figuratively! But, it is getting easier every day.

[Lindsay]

On March 17, am transferring one of two frozen embryos I've had sitting in a freezer since 2013. Those little frosties' sibling is currently a beautiful almost 2 1/2 year old and we're hopeful. I realized this was coming since last summer and worked to lose all my baby weight (mission accomplished) since that time ... I'm also trying to have a "let go and let God" mindset in terms of stressing over whether this works or not. Three years ago - I can't even believe that much time has passed - I was in the very early stages of pregnancy with my daughter and terrified of another loss. Embrace the person you are now and the change in your life since the last go-round and be committed to your health but not too hard ok yourself.

[Deb]

I found Jenny's comment really interesting. "I was desparately afraid that I would never recover." It's interesting, I felt the same way. There's something about infertility and DOR perhaps especially that makes one, or at least makes me, feel really, really old. I mean it comes at a time in your life when you are, indeed, becoming middle-aged, and when the doctors are telling you that one of your issues is just that you're trying to have kids later than we evolved to reproduce. So then you're out of shape and tired as heck if you do actually manage to get through the meds, the pregnancy, the birth, the toddler-wrangling. It is hard to feel like "health" isn't this magic elixir of youth that you're out of.

OK, that ended on a negative note. I'm really excited to see your transformation, and more so to hear some good news. I really like that telling people felt good. I was a big blabber about my infertility, and it felt good. I'm still pretty proud of myself for that. Not that you're being a blabber, but hopefully you get what I mean.

[Jenny]

There are so many things in my life that your story offers some really valuable coping strategies. I have followed your blog for years. I am a survivor of the island and was extremely lucky to have twins following IVF. My son has cerebral palsy; he was diagnosed at 9 months old. Last summer, it became obvious that if I didn't recover from the PTSD of infertility as well as four surgeries in two years that I would have no energy left and no strength to carry my son (literally and figuratively). It gets better and it gets easier every day. I am now taking my first ever fitness class and my instructor commented on my "athletic ability" today. Haha! I have never considered myself an athlete of any sort. Sorry this is so long. What I want to say is that your health and energy are not gone and they will come back to you. I'm sure you know that, but I was desperately afraid that I would never recover. It looks different now. I feel stronger now. Sending strength and courage to you and your family. Thanks for your continuing inspiration.

[Mel. B.]

I know what you mean about self-blame. The only time I was ever pregnant was through IVF. I miscarried at 5 and half weeks. That happened in 2013. I still think about if I had done something different,
I would be a parent right now. Currently, my husband and I are on a waiting list for a donor embryo. I am still hopefully we can somehow become parents one day.

[Jojo]

Please keep us along for the ride! I am inspired by your motivation and by how you push pain into action and change and inspiration. It is such a gift.