Don't Count Your Eggs

Are we supposed to keep trying?

So I've been thinking about this for the better part of the month because, well, I just have been. And what I really started to think about is what does it mean to "try?" Why or why not keep trying and how much...effort should go into it? 

So I let go of my search for the elusive one good egg a long time ago. I have Momo, I don't care about finding the one good egg, and since she was born (just over two years ago), I really haven't thought about trying.

The years of "trying" were terrible. It started with a calendar, then a thermometer, then the ovulation test strips-- ya'll know the drill. The actual act of trying becomes...just that, kind of an act, then the wait to find out if it worked is just torture. Wash rinse repeat each month. It's disappointing and just tedious to say the least. I didn't think about trying after Momo was born. The idea of being P didn't cross my mind because I was too enamored and overwhelmed by her. But when I got "accidentally" P in January, wanting number 2 went from a little storage bin in the back of my mind to a silver platter front and center. I really want Momo to have a sibling, and I believe she will, and for the longest time I assumed it would be her embryo match because that was logical and I am (was?) infertile. But the surprise pregnancy made me think maybe this is possible and is it worth it to try naturally until we are ready to do an FET of the second embryo? Or is it insane to try because trying is crazy making and having another miscarriage and D&C would set us back. And I'm anxious about my eggs. And I want Momo to have her genetic sibling. But...but if I believe that the kids that are meant to be mine will be then do I try everything and let the cards fall as they may? I'm genuinely not sure what the right answer is. 

I don't know that there is a right answer. I know that I'm not buying ovulation test strips and I'm not going to drive myself nuts thinking about timing and what ifs. I also know that I can estimate when I ovulate and feel like it's... I don't know....a waste of a chance not to try? So I think we will roll the dice and play that not trying but also not not trying game to see what the universe might bring. I feel less pressure this way and in my brain am really just gearing up for the FET. But who knows. I know much of this is way out of my hands.

Is it harder to get a donor for number two?

This is a terrible blog post title-- because who am I or anyone else to say what is harder, right? It's all relative. Getting a donor for number one is friggin' hard, and you don't have a kid yet-- but...stay with me...I have a friend who I've written about before. She got off IF Island by the skin of her teeth with the last frozen embryo from multiple cycles. She has done two more cycles since and multiple transfers for an attempt at number two and outlook is not so good. She's older and the last IVF resulted in zero embryos. Now she is trying to decide if she continues with more IVF or if she should move to a donor. She might be more ready to move on than her partner-- sometimes we forget that decisions are not ours to make alone. But she said something interesting that I've been thinking about. She said something to the extent of if she had to go the donor route with her first kid she feels like it would have been easier, but for some reason having a healthy genetic child suddenly brings more to the table with getting a donor for number two.

Why?

Fear of comparison? Fear of what the donor conceived child might think or feel? Fear of differences? It's hard to articulate and I know there are people more equipped than I am to share thoughts on this subject so please do. I'm just throwing it out there because it's not the first time I've heard someone say this, yet a donor the second time around might even be more common because everyone is a little bit older second go round. 

I can only share my own experience with the few weeks I thought we were going to have a genetic child after having Momo (via embryo donation). These thoughts about the what-ifs came up but oddly it was always something about how a genetic kid couldn't possibly be as awesome as Momo. I know that sounds terrible, I'm just being honest here. I assume most people think their kid is amazing, and maybe assume number two will be also. But when there is a definite difference, maybe comparison becomes more prevalent? My thoughts were always fleeting-- Momo is amazing and any other child will be and can be amazing in a different way. A genetic kid (and notice how I don't say "our kid" because I think that language is an important point here) of ours likely wouldn't be as tall, or as blonde perhaps, but we don't know. We never know what we are going to get with genetics or with a donor.  Each child, each person is unique and has to be seen as such.

My worry was sometimes about how each child might feel-- would Momo feel more special because of everything we did to get her, of all the people who wanted her to be? Would she suddenly feel different that her sib shared our genetics? I decided, and this was just that, a decision, that it didn't matter. That if it mattered to my kids then I would be there to process their feelings and validate them, but the only things my kids, however they come to me, should feel is loved and valued and special and appreciated for their differences and for their similarities-- because genes or not there would be both. That's how I chose to deal with it and conceptualize it. I would love any child of mine regardless if they came form my egg, my body, my sister, a stranger, the moon. I'm confident about that. But I also respect the identity building process of a child/teenager and would support my kids in whatever way seems most appropriate. I think it's good to think about these things as parents of donor kids or when thinking about alternative family building because being thoughtful is important. And making sense of it all for ourselves first is imperative to feeling confident and proud of our choices and our families.

Anyone have more interesting thoughts on this?

Back Home

Hola!

We just got back from Seattle and had an incredible time showing the film as part of The Art of Infertility Exhibit at Seattle Center. It was really great to connect to the community out there and to be a part of spreading the word about infertility and shedding some light on the real life experience of it. That's part of our mission as well as normalizing the different ways a baby can be created. It was kind of a whirlwind weekend but what I came out with more than anything is that people going through this stuff need to talk about it and connect. Being quiet and feeling isolated is the alternative, and that can be painful. Maybe talking about it isn't for everyone, but finding an outlet, a source of support, a way to be creative and generative-- the heartache has to come out somehow and the pieces in this art exhibit illustrate just that. We were so grateful to be a part of it.

On another note, I ate like shit and drank so much coffee I thought my heart was going to explode on the flight back. Why can't I just find balance? Why do I have to overdo everything? Not sure. But I over did it, and now I'm slowly getting back to...normal, whatever normal looks like. 

Tomorrow I am going to a conference called SEEDS that deals with the ethical issues surrounding egg donation and surrogacy. I'm excited to learn more about this and am so interested in how different the laws are in different parts of the country-- there's a lot of interesting stuff. I always focus on the emotional or mental health implications of third party reproduction so it will be good to learn more. Anyway. Hopefully I'll come back with some new topics on the subject of third party reproduction. 

I guess I'm just checking in today and appreciating the community I have had here through this blog so much. I have to start figuring out the next steps toward the FET of Momo's embryo match-- what's the correct language here-- the second embryo in Momo's batch? The last embryo? I know I have to get blood tests and a sonohystogram and some other fun stuff and I don't really want to do any of it. But I will, because that's just what we do right?

We are hoping for an August transfer but I'm not totally sure. Feels like a lot of pressure on this one little embie so I want to make sure my body and mind are in the right place.  Maybe that's what the next month theme can be about-- getting your mind right for the last shot!