Creating an IF friendly world

So I know that M day is this weekend and it can be a really hard day for a lot of people who are M's in waiting. I've written about the challenges of these culturally created days at different stopping points in my own journey so I won't spend much time here but I do want to send a little extra love to anyone for whom this day just sucks. 

What I do want to write about is something I have recently gotten very fired up about. That is how to change culture to create a society where being conceived through alternative means and being raised in what might be considered a "different" family dynamic can be normalized. 

My background in social work has gotten me really thinking about how to change an overall culture to make sure that my kid feels "normal" when she is at school. It might not be enough for me to be open and honest with her about her conception origins, but when she sits in sex ed class in 4th or 5th grade, she needs her teachers and classmates to also know and understand that babies can be made in different ways. I've noticed through various outlets and people in my life, that elementary school sex ed continues to teach that babies are made when a penis goes into a vagina and blah blah blah.  Kids are all giggly and freaked out and that is the simple explanation. But how does a child with two moms or two dads make sense of how they came to be? How does my kid-- who was made through donors and implanted into me five years later feel while sitting in this classroom of the future? I've always known that in order to truly normalize how different families are created we have to focus on the children. Yes, it helps us who are on IF Island feel less stigmatized if the ways in which we create our children can feel normalized. But in a way it is almost more important that our children feel proud and confident and secure and "normal" in how they were conceived.  That said, I'm now on a mission to write a slight addendum to the current school curriculum and have NO IDEA how to get it looked at or implemented, especially in today's political climate. But Momo is NOT going to come home one day from her sex ed class and ask me why they way she was made was not part of the conversation of where babies come from. 

Am I wrong here? Doesn't this seem like a no brainer and an important change that needs to be considered? That's where my head is right now. I figure I have about 7 or 8 years before this day comes for me and Momo so that seems like enough time to educate educators on being inclusive and understanding that a baby is created by the sperm from a mans body and the egg from a womans body. The rest is where things get creative...

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Interesting to read different points of views about this. Thanks to everyone for sharing. I don't have a lot of anxiety about how Momo will understand her origins but I do think it's nice to feel included in the conversation-- yes of course there is a lot more to this, it was just a thought I had that came from a story I heard that didn't feel right. That's where change usually comes from right? Anyway. Conversation and different opinions are helpful.

[J]

I'm of the mind that education and sensitivity are usually good things- especially involving young kids. But I am torn on the exact parameters for all this. My second child (I am expecting) is made from donor eggs and while I want to make sure she isn't surprised or blindsided that I needed another woman's eggs to create her, I don't have a ton of anxiety around how that conversation or what our reality is going to look like. Maybe I am naive but she was created and here because her Dad and I went and found a way to her. I think similar to donated embryos and sperm where the parents found a way to the parts a potential life and made it so. I am expecting the detail of the egg origin (of which would have never been utilized that month on that cycle without us) to not be a huge detail. Maybe I am daft here and the exact genetic link will be a huge issue for her. Perhaps infant and child adoption is an area that we should do everything we can to be inclusive and supportive and normalize. Maybe there are more triggers around that birth origin story since it is a life created that then needed to find a home?? I don't know and certainly don't want to offend any adoptive parents here. All that being said- these are great conversations to have.

[C]

I just want to point out it's not just the egg and sperm that make the baby. They make the embryo which then needs a woman to grow to a baby, God willing. So our children from IVF are just like other children who were made in their mommies' tummy (ok, uterus!). I'd emphasize similarities not differences. (Adoption and surrogate mothers are different I know.) It's admirable you want to educate others but important to be sensitive to their preferences too. I personally am not worried at all, for me if the parents are comfortable the child won't take outside influences the wrong way. I don't know, do we have to normalize what is such a special story, our quests for a baby against all odds? I'm more conservative so I don't share your thinking but I see it comes from a good place, wanting to do right by your child and to help others

[Claire]

Such great thinking. As a teacher I can say you are right on track with these next steps. Especially where I am in Canada, there is a "progressive" (read: what should be considered normal) stance on inclusion and different types of family scenarios, yet this is not reflected in health education yet. There is movement (ie. topics like consent) but it's not enough and doesn't mirror the types of clubs and support groups we have formed. Such great thinking; I don't teach kids old enough for these topics but I will definitely be mentioning this to my colleagues who will be covering this soon!

[Pamela O]

You are not remotely wrong -- and for sure it's more important for the children to feel normalized than for us adults to feel normal!

This work is so important. Please let me know if / how I can help.