And is that best for everyone, especially the children, involved in donor conception?
This was one of the topics of a lecture given by a seasoned psychotherapist at a conference I attended last month about the ethics of third party reproduction. Actually her lecture was really about how there is no such thing as anonymity in this day and age because people are easily found on the internet, and that it is not best for the child that their genetic origin is a secret. This therapist was making a call to donor agencies and professionals in the third party reproduction business to start to work towards changing the culture around anonymity.
It was a really interesting topic for me, who has a child whose origins are completely anonymous, and is also a therapist working in the fertility world as well as with some kids and families. I wish our situation wasn't anonymous, but I am also super grateful that these people decided to donate and I am somehow confident I will be able to find them-- because, well, I just am. But the question that pops up is why? Why is anonymity important? And is it still relevant?
A woman who was a donor in her twenties spoke up from the audience and said she was never given a choice by the egg donor agency to be a known donor, but if she had she would love to have had contact with any child born through her eggs and would love to even know if a child was born. That was over ten years ago for this woman and where someone's head is at 20 is very different at 30 and 40. It's different once a donor has children of her own and then while she might have interest in knowing if her eggs helped others create a family, she has no power or no ability to get information. That was this woman's complaint. On the other end, the model of open adoption speaks to the importance of children knowing their roots. Children fare better when things are open, honest and understood. Now, I can be open with Momo about how badly she was wanted and about the fact that very kind and generous people gave parts of themselves to help us create her, but that's where the train stops. I can't give her anything more than some stats and a baby picture of the egg donor. And that might be fine for her. But what would be the harm on either end if she was able to have a little more info? What could the potential relationship be with siblings and half siblings? What is my role as her mother to try and facilitate that before she is 18-- as 18 is the magic number where kids suddenly become adults and then they can search and ask questions? Seems like a missed opportunity of building relationships through childhood if you ask me, but maybe I just have a fantasy in my head that Noah, Momo and I can have some kind of extended family situation that would be awesome. I guess different people might want different things and rather than allowing those people involved to work out the details of a relationship that might be comfortable, the way adoption agencies do with birth mothers and adoptive parents, the third party world kind just says "well, better that people just don't know each other." But I think that's going to change. And I also think if donors and recipients were given more choice in whether they want to be open or anonymous (which is actually happening a little more these days), I think a fair amount of people would be ok with openness and then the kids would have fewer questions.
A lot of this is new-ish territory. What are peoples thoughts?