Don't Count Your Eggs

Is there really such a thing as being anonymous anymore?

And is that best for everyone, especially the children, involved in donor conception?

This was one of the topics of a lecture given by a seasoned psychotherapist at a conference I attended last month about the ethics of third party reproduction. Actually her lecture was really about how there is no such thing as anonymity in this day and age because people are easily found on the internet, and that it is not best for the child that their genetic origin is a secret. This therapist was making a call to donor agencies and professionals in the third party reproduction business to start to work towards changing the culture around anonymity. 

It was a really interesting topic for me, who has a child whose origins are completely anonymous, and is also a therapist working in the fertility world as well as with some kids and families. I wish our situation wasn't anonymous, but I am also super grateful that these people decided to donate and I am somehow confident I will be able to find them-- because, well, I just am. But the question that pops up is why? Why is anonymity important? And is it still relevant? 

A woman who was a donor in her twenties spoke up from the audience and said she was never given a choice by the egg donor agency to be a known donor, but if she had she would love to have had contact with any child born through her eggs and would love to even know if a child was born. That was over ten years ago for this woman and where someone's head is at 20 is very different at 30 and 40. It's different once a donor has children of her own and then while she might have interest in knowing if her eggs helped others create a family, she has no power or no ability to get information. That was this woman's complaint. On the other end, the model of open adoption speaks to the importance of children knowing their roots. Children fare better when things are open, honest and understood. Now, I can be open with Momo about how badly she was wanted and about the fact that very kind and generous people gave parts of themselves to help us create her, but that's where the train stops. I can't give her anything more than some stats and a baby picture of the egg donor. And that might be fine for her. But what would be the harm on either end if she was able to have a little more info? What could the potential relationship be with siblings and half siblings? What is my role as her mother to try and facilitate that before she is 18-- as 18 is the magic number where kids suddenly become adults and then they can search and ask questions? Seems like a missed opportunity of building relationships through childhood if you ask me, but maybe I just have a fantasy in my head that Noah, Momo and I can have some kind of extended family situation that would be awesome.  I guess different people might want different things and rather than allowing those people involved to work out the details of a relationship that might be comfortable, the way adoption agencies do with birth mothers and adoptive parents, the third party world kind just says "well, better that people just don't know each other." But I think that's going to change. And I also think if donors and recipients were given more choice in whether they want to be open or anonymous (which is actually happening a little more these days), I think a fair amount of people would be ok with openness and then the kids would have fewer questions. 

A lot of this is new-ish territory. What are peoples thoughts?

Creating an IF friendly world

So I know that M day is this weekend and it can be a really hard day for a lot of people who are M's in waiting. I've written about the challenges of these culturally created days at different stopping points in my own journey so I won't spend much time here but I do want to send a little extra love to anyone for whom this day just sucks. 

What I do want to write about is something I have recently gotten very fired up about. That is how to change culture to create a society where being conceived through alternative means and being raised in what might be considered a "different" family dynamic can be normalized. 

My background in social work has gotten me really thinking about how to change an overall culture to make sure that my kid feels "normal" when she is at school. It might not be enough for me to be open and honest with her about her conception origins, but when she sits in sex ed class in 4th or 5th grade, she needs her teachers and classmates to also know and understand that babies can be made in different ways. I've noticed through various outlets and people in my life, that elementary school sex ed continues to teach that babies are made when a penis goes into a vagina and blah blah blah.  Kids are all giggly and freaked out and that is the simple explanation. But how does a child with two moms or two dads make sense of how they came to be? How does my kid-- who was made through donors and implanted into me five years later feel while sitting in this classroom of the future? I've always known that in order to truly normalize how different families are created we have to focus on the children. Yes, it helps us who are on IF Island feel less stigmatized if the ways in which we create our children can feel normalized. But in a way it is almost more important that our children feel proud and confident and secure and "normal" in how they were conceived.  That said, I'm now on a mission to write a slight addendum to the current school curriculum and have NO IDEA how to get it looked at or implemented, especially in today's political climate. But Momo is NOT going to come home one day from her sex ed class and ask me why they way she was made was not part of the conversation of where babies come from. 

Am I wrong here? Doesn't this seem like a no brainer and an important change that needs to be considered? That's where my head is right now. I figure I have about 7 or 8 years before this day comes for me and Momo so that seems like enough time to educate educators on being inclusive and understanding that a baby is created by the sperm from a mans body and the egg from a womans body. The rest is where things get creative...

Reframing the fantasy (or why do I want a second child)

There was a recent comment question about why I want a sibling for Momo (aka a second child for us aka another human in the world, but interesting how we often think of #2 as a gift for #1), and while I can only speak to my own experience and feelings here, I think some people might share my views or have more intelligent things to say about the whole thing, so please don't hesitate to share your thoughts.

I think when it comes to family composition or size, many of us either want to replicate what we had growing up because we had a positive experience, or we want something different or opposite because we longed for something different or didn't have the best experience. I have one sister. She is an incredible human (see 2013 entires on her donating eggs to me and really any other entry about her). We are three years apart and grew up very close. Much of my identity and personality seems to be formed around being a big sister and save for a few times I tried to strangle her, we had a great childhood together and I couldn't imagine my life without her. Noah also has one younger brother and they grew up playing baseball and beating each other up and shoving each other into sleeping bags then tossing each other down a flight of stairs. Bottom line, having a sibling worked for us and both of us just assumed we would grow up and have two kids with the idea that our children's relationship with each other would somehow naturally replicate what we had with our siblings. It wasn't really thought about, it was kind of inherent. This is what we knew of family. 

I have a friend who is an only child. She never felt very close to her parents and is absolutely determined to have at last three kids. I have another friend who grew up the only girl in a family of five and always dreamed of being an only child, so she set out to have one and only and is very happy with her choice. I know another person who has two sisters and always felt three was a bad number so wanted an even number of kids.  I guess what I'm trying to say is many of us aren't always fully conscious of why we want a certain number of kids or a certain family dynamic or composition, but we just kind of do, while others know exactly what they want and why, and that's fine too. I think the added external factor in all this is the pressure of our culture or society to have more than one child. The second you get married people want to know when you're having a baby. The second you have a baby people want to know when you're having a second. What is that all about?

It feels like many people are made to feel like they are being  selfish if they don't give their first child a sibling. (Not all of us can, and not all of us want to!). There's some false assumption that somehow an only child will grow up lonely and depressed and will be alone in the world when they have to change their parents diapers and make funeral arrangements. While I do feel grateful that when someone has to change my parents diapers it will likely be my sister, because she is a doctor and simply more qualified, I don't think only children are destined for solitude and loneliness. In fact, only children often have great lives because there are more resources and time a parent has to give. To every situation there are pros and cons, it's really personal how each person thinks about it and makes sense of their situation. 

What's challenging for many of us who struggle to build a family is that we are forced to really think about these things and make decisions about what we are going to do. Which then pushes us to explore why. Many of us have to reframe the fantasy of what we thought our family was going to look like and accept our own reality and limitations of our situation. There are of course some people who decide to live childfree after thinking they would have children. There are people who thought they wanted one child but then felt incomplete so they had to look into other options for a second-- each situation is so very unique. For us, we assumed we would have two kids. When shit hit the fan, we were just so grateful that we had Momo. We do want Momo to be able to share diaper changing duties with a sibling, and the fact that she has a genetic embryo match is a no brainer for us. But if it doesn't work Noah and I will need to consider where we are in our lives (financially, relationally, and honestly age wise-- I thought I'd be a lot younger when going through all of this). Then we can decide how we want to move forward. I don't think we would get an egg donor because honestly our marriage and our lives have been usurped by fertility related endeavors for a long time and I don't know if we have it in us, but we might very well change our minds. I do think I would try really hard to get P naturally, which would open up a whole other kind of insanity--so I just don't know what will end up happening and just hope the second embryo will work. What I do know, is no matter what we will be ok. And more importantly Momo will be ok. As an only child she will get to go to more expensive summer camps and vacations and will always have her own room. And hopefully by the time our diapers need to be changed she will either be married to someone who can help her with that or rich enough to hire someone to do the deed.