Reframing the fantasy (or why do I want a second child)

There was a recent comment question about why I want a sibling for Momo (aka a second child for us aka another human in the world, but interesting how we often think of #2 as a gift for #1), and while I can only speak to my own experience and feelings here, I think some people might share my views or have more intelligent things to say about the whole thing, so please don't hesitate to share your thoughts.

I think when it comes to family composition or size, many of us either want to replicate what we had growing up because we had a positive experience, or we want something different or opposite because we longed for something different or didn't have the best experience. I have one sister. She is an incredible human (see 2013 entires on her donating eggs to me and really any other entry about her). We are three years apart and grew up very close. Much of my identity and personality seems to be formed around being a big sister and save for a few times I tried to strangle her, we had a great childhood together and I couldn't imagine my life without her. Noah also has one younger brother and they grew up playing baseball and beating each other up and shoving each other into sleeping bags then tossing each other down a flight of stairs. Bottom line, having a sibling worked for us and both of us just assumed we would grow up and have two kids with the idea that our children's relationship with each other would somehow naturally replicate what we had with our siblings. It wasn't really thought about, it was kind of inherent. This is what we knew of family. 

I have a friend who is an only child. She never felt very close to her parents and is absolutely determined to have at last three kids. I have another friend who grew up the only girl in a family of five and always dreamed of being an only child, so she set out to have one and only and is very happy with her choice. I know another person who has two sisters and always felt three was a bad number so wanted an even number of kids.  I guess what I'm trying to say is many of us aren't always fully conscious of why we want a certain number of kids or a certain family dynamic or composition, but we just kind of do, while others know exactly what they want and why, and that's fine too. I think the added external factor in all this is the pressure of our culture or society to have more than one child. The second you get married people want to know when you're having a baby. The second you have a baby people want to know when you're having a second. What is that all about?

It feels like many people are made to feel like they are being  selfish if they don't give their first child a sibling. (Not all of us can, and not all of us want to!). There's some false assumption that somehow an only child will grow up lonely and depressed and will be alone in the world when they have to change their parents diapers and make funeral arrangements. While I do feel grateful that when someone has to change my parents diapers it will likely be my sister, because she is a doctor and simply more qualified, I don't think only children are destined for solitude and loneliness. In fact, only children often have great lives because there are more resources and time a parent has to give. To every situation there are pros and cons, it's really personal how each person thinks about it and makes sense of their situation. 

What's challenging for many of us who struggle to build a family is that we are forced to really think about these things and make decisions about what we are going to do. Which then pushes us to explore why. Many of us have to reframe the fantasy of what we thought our family was going to look like and accept our own reality and limitations of our situation. There are of course some people who decide to live childfree after thinking they would have children. There are people who thought they wanted one child but then felt incomplete so they had to look into other options for a second-- each situation is so very unique. For us, we assumed we would have two kids. When shit hit the fan, we were just so grateful that we had Momo. We do want Momo to be able to share diaper changing duties with a sibling, and the fact that she has a genetic embryo match is a no brainer for us. But if it doesn't work Noah and I will need to consider where we are in our lives (financially, relationally, and honestly age wise-- I thought I'd be a lot younger when going through all of this). Then we can decide how we want to move forward. I don't think we would get an egg donor because honestly our marriage and our lives have been usurped by fertility related endeavors for a long time and I don't know if we have it in us, but we might very well change our minds. I do think I would try really hard to get P naturally, which would open up a whole other kind of insanity--so I just don't know what will end up happening and just hope the second embryo will work. What I do know, is no matter what we will be ok. And more importantly Momo will be ok. As an only child she will get to go to more expensive summer camps and vacations and will always have her own room. And hopefully by the time our diapers need to be changed she will either be married to someone who can help her with that or rich enough to hire someone to do the deed. 

Comments

[Pamela]

I think we want 2 because it's a nice, round number -- it replaces us, but doesn't add to the population on balance. I grew up with two siblings, so 3 kids seems like a "natural" number to me. But it also seems like a lot to keep up with.

In the end we'll be lucky to even have one, but I imagine even if we have twins via donor embryos, we might keep "trying naturally" after just to see what happens. If we don't have twins, well... I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. But it seems like a nice thing to have a sibling.

Then again, I know a guy who's in college now whose parents tried for a decade to have kids after him, and finally when he was 12 they had twins. Then another one. Then another one. Then another one.

So this guy's whole teenagerhood was spent babysitting. In his frank moments, he kind of wishes he'd just stayed an only child! Her certainly got a lot of attention (as the only grandchild, too!) until the twins came along.

I'm sure it's all good either way. But I'm hoping for 2, too.

[Anna]

Nice post..

[Lindsay]

Also, I wanted to add that on this most recent try, I did kind of have a "let go and let God" mentality. That is, if it worked, we'd be thrilled; if it didn't, our daughter would have a beautiful life. Much like your attitude, Maya, about your Momo and that no matter what, she'll be OK.

[Lindsay]

I remember when we were lucky enough to get pregnant with our daughter (back in 2014) I told my husband that if we had one healthy child, I would be happy. And we were. We ARE happy. But about a year after she was born, when I had a full night's sleep back and was adjusting to motherhood, I started to get this nagging feeling about the other 2 embryos we had just waiting for us in a freezer in Maryland. I started feeling very strongly that I wanted my daughter to have a sibling to go through life's experiences with, as I was lucky enough to be one of four girls and have a very close relationship with my sisters. So I kinda told my husband (who is older than me, and was completely content with just one) that I thought I maybe wanted to try for the second. At first, he wasn't exactly on board - he loved our life with our baby girl and almost didn't want to mess with such a good thing - but eventually after a few months he ended up saying OK. Now, the last time I went through this rigmarole it took three times to work (1 failed transfer, a miscarriage and then we got P with our daughter). Plus, these embryos were day 6 and a little bit past their prime (close to day 7) so I wasn't convinced it would even work. Needless to say, we transferred on March 17 (luck of the Irish) and it took. I'm nearly 11 weeks P with my second baby - just like that. One try. I almost still can't believe it.
So ... what about the third one? Of course that's a question for another day. It's still there in the terrible event that something bad happens in my current pregnancy - we'll have another shot. But I'll be 36 in a few weeks - no spring chicken LOL - so I just feel fortunate to be in this position at all. That's my story. :)

[Mel. B.]

I think there is something rather magical about being an only child but I am not sure why I feel this way. I have a great relationship with my brother now but growing up we were always fighting! I would love to have a child but I have accepted (to a certain degree) that it may not be in the cards for my husband and I. We are currently on a waiting list for an embryo adoption. Either way, you and your family will be complete...as just the three of you or as a family of four. I wish you the best of luck.

[Deb]

Thanks for this thoughtful post. So much to consider. It really strikes me that wanting a child (first or second) can be subject to reasoned inquiry, but ultimately is about irrational or emotional desires.

[C]

I really hope the second embryo works and you have all your questions thus answered! Why not hope, why not believe with all your might it will work and not even worry about the what ifs. If it doesn't work you'll deal with that and decide what to do when the time comes